Wednesday, November 19, 2014

lovers gonna love


Why is the Lifetime Movie Network already playing Christmas movies? Ewww.

Better question: WHY am I watching the (second in a row) aforementioned Christmas movie in the first place?!!! 

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But speaking of Christmas - How adorable is this cutie?! I am officially retired from photography for now, but if you are my friend and you come over to hang out and you have the world's cutest baby like Matthew, I WILL take their picture whether you like it or not.

Why do I go into the kitchen for ONE single thing, repeating the thing I am getting the whole time so I don't forget: pen, pen, pen...and then stand in the kitchen...pause...and can't remember what I came in for. So then I grab something from the pantry that I don't need like a mini Kit Kat (WHY ARE THEY SO FRICKING DELICIOUS?!) And then I go ALLLLLL the way back upstairs and then BAM- remember the pen. I blame forgetfulness for obesity in America. It's just people going into the kitchen too often and grabbing Kit Kats instead of pens.

Also- Why do I always let me phone and computer get to 1% battery before I run around like an INSANE person on fire looking for the charger? Why, why, why?!!! 

Are you like me too? 

I feel the solid weight of Parker in my arms while rocking him goodnight. 

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I will rock him until he's forty if he lets me. I place my nose at the top of his head and I breathe so deep I can feel it in my toes. He always smells just like Parker, one of my favorite scents on earth. Sometimes he smells clean like the bath and light like hope. Sometimes he smells like dirt and rosemary-- he plays IN a rosemary bush we have outside and it smells awful to me now. Like old man and B.O. But still- it's my Parker so it's just perfect. But I will NEVER order rosemary ANYTHING at a restaurant. Oh man, it's my favorite part of the day and lucky, lucky, lucky runs on a loop in my mind. Not because he's finally going to bed and I get alone time (but me-oh-my thank gosh for that). But it's the part of the day where time slows down like I often beg it to- a time where chaos and calm collide and explode and the calm is all that survives. Life seems to make the most sense then. 

All we can do is keep breathing. Hard, easy, hard, easy. Life.

In therapy I was talking about a situation in which my feelings were hurt and I was left feeling shamed with others around. A situation in which I felt put down and then felt sad and then felt angry. What did I do in the moment? I shut down. I didn't retaliate. I stayed quiet. I took deep breaths. I'm a lover not a fighter and conflict is never my first choice. 

Cause the players gonna play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate
Baby I'm just gonna shake, shake, shake

Shake it off

And where did all that shame and anger go? The therapist asked. And with no warning I started to sob. I grabbed tight to the scarf I was wearing and burrowed into it like a little girl with her woobie while my shoulders and my heart shook. I didn't understand why I was crying so hard and then I did. Because it's all in there still. The pain. The fear. The anger. Shame. Inadequacy. Sadness. Life. There's a vast room of it hidden deep inside the basement of me and I don't know how to get to it to get it out. I stay far away from there so I don't get lost down there and get stuck inside that room forever. I always feel like I am dealing and letting go- and then BOOM. A moment like that happens and I feel the weight of that pent up room. 

I used to eat it out. Get fast food or go to the grocery store and buy all the things I deprived myself of and eat. And eat and eat. And all those feelings grew too big for my skin and I couldn't rip it off so I would throw it up. And those bad feelings got flushed down the toilet. But that is no way to deal with feelings. So immediately after I graduated college I started therapy for an eating disorder. Then I would run my feelings out because I couldn't throw them up. And with each pounding of the pavement those awful feelings would release. Out. Out. Out. All the anger and fear and inadequacy of life. There were days I don't think I would have survived without a run. And then a year and a half ago my knee blew out. The cartilage is gone. And with twice yearly injections the pain is gone but running is out of the question.

Which leads me to now on a therapists couch. Sobbing. I guess writing is my new running. But it isn't enough. I need to learn how to speak what is on my mind in the moment without stuffing it down. And it's easy to yell at someone who is awful. Or turn the other cheek if someone is just ignorant or not worth my time or I know won't change. But it's hard to speak up when my feelings are hurt in my own personal relationships. When I am disappointed. When I really need someone to be there for me. I get disappointed and let down and I stuff that inside too. I have no problem sharing when I am sad or happy. Why is it so hard to be honest when there is conflict? Can't lovers ALSO be truth telllers as opposed to fighters? Even if the truth isn't sparkly and shiny? And when we do get our feelings hurt and don't say anything- where do all those unhappy feelings go? 

How do you release them?

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Time with Friends always fills me up. Parker brought a book outside with him and he gave it to Frank to read.

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Do you know how sometimes we are in a tough moment and we think our whole life is awful- not just that moment? Maybe that room inside me isn't nearly as big as I think it is. At least that how I feel now that you and I are here chatting. Maybe writing is the new running.

(or maybe not and I'm just as screwed up as I initially thought. Everything doesn't always have to have a happy ending to be okay.) 


One last thing! What was it. I can't remember. Why did I come back here again?
OH YES!!! I want to share this piece I wrote for Autism Speaks on 5 Ways to Take Care of You! The tips work are even good for Moms (and Dads) who aren't affected by autism).


  1. These photos of your sweet boys with the trash truck driver are just the best, love love LOVE! You know that he looks forward to seeing them, and as much as it blesses your boys, it also blesses him. This relationship is a life changer for all parties involved. Thank you for sharing. :-)

  2. I'm so like you... I bottle up & shut down. I hate conflict more than about anything.

    Until I explode, then it's a big ol' mess. I hate to get to the exploding. It's only happened a few times & doesn't really help. Sometimes even if I try to not bottle up & actually try to explain how I feel & all of that 'supposed to' stuff it doesn't help, because the other person is all blamey, and I still feel wrong even if I'm not wrong. :-(

    Have been struggling with a lot of things lately. Not a fan. Am making an effort to love me. Put me more first than I usually do. :-)

  3. How on earth do you share how you are feeling? How do you share when your sad or hurt or angry? 31 years old and I can't figure out how to do it.

  4. Can't believe how extraordinary the photos are with Frank and your sweet boys. This is just amazing. Loved your post...I'm a feeling hard to face conflict, ask for help without feeling resentful, but I am learning much from your writing. Please keep writing....maybe it is your new running and you can help us along the way.

  5. I am dealing with the same thing now. Smart of you to deal with it now. Don't wait till you're 50 and it makes your chest hurt. I think that it must come out. I always kept the hurt in because I didn't want to do back to someone what they had just done to me. I realize now that I must take up for myself and others must know that there are boundaries if, in fact, they are trying to embarrass me, make fun of me, ridicule me, etc. When I do take up for myself now, I have found that others back down and are more respectful. Even with my husband, I would keep a lot in. Now, I am practicing revealing more of myself. And I am working on communicating with less passion and more calmness.

  6. Adding to my last comment... The less passion and more calmness comes from not keeping it in. You are actually helping the other person when you stop them or don't allow them to hurt you.

  7. All I have to do is look at those pictures of Frank and your boys to know there is good in the world. (all over again).
    Love them!

  8. Yes. Yes, I can so relate and I have no idea how to deal with it. Someone yelled (wrongly) at me last week and I was so upset. My husband was like "why don't you talk to her about it?" and I had no answer, but I couldn't and I didn't. And now it would be ridiculous to.

    Why can't I just SPEAK? I can always tell my kids exactly what they should do or say.. but I can't do it myself.

  9. I don't know if Frank reads your blog but please tell him what an awesome man he is to share time with your two little boys. It warms my heart! We never know what affect our time will have on their lives.

  10. Yes! I'm so like you too (forget what I need and then just grab another sugary or chocolately something from my secret mama stash / battery life and I am definitely an emotional eater too)! Talking / relating with friends (when I make the time) and reading a very select few fav blogs are what help me the most.