Monday, December 29, 2014

every woman

I rifle through my thoughts, collecting some to share with you on this space here. Christmas was amazing... and awful. Which part do I write about? I wonder. Both, I reply. Because that is truth and there's only room for truth here. But it's hard for me to share some feelings. Not because I felt them- but because I am a mighty prideful stubborn sort of girl. I don't want you to tsk tsk and awwww you with pity. I also don't want you to think it was all bad or be left with any sort of impression of ungrateful. But all of that is bullshit. Wondering how YOU are going to feel about what I write isn't real. It's something stupid my mind is creating to censor myself. I'm blaming YOU for being afraid of my truth. It doesn't ever matter how people respond- it just matters that you say it.

Our broken is not something we must hide. Sometimes it's the realest part of us and that's what makes it beautiful.

I mean aren't we ALL just white balls of contradiction sometimes? We are often everything all at once. Whitney Houston knew that when she sang, "I'm every woman- it's all in me".

I want to be younger yet I love the perspective age and time have given me. Sometimes I know exactly who I am and what I want --and the next I'm lost, confused, searching.  I'm totally laid back and relaxed, and I'm so tightly wound that I can't believe I don't pop and unravel at times. I love being a stay at home Mom and it drives me insane.


We can be many, many things all at once.
Great things.
Hard things.
Fluid, changing things.
Empty. Full. And everything in between.
Things that seem to be opposite human traits that somehow still all fit under the same roof.

I'm every woman.


Christmas morning was so SO good.

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I saw THIS joy on his face and my heart literally shook. He's never had a reaction on Christmas morning before.

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Parker is my little life enthusiast. He was so happy and it was completely amazing.

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For the first time they both even unwrapped a gift. Pinch me.


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It felt like a dream. A good dream where for once, parenting felt exactly like I'd always hoped and imagined.

It was simple. Easy. Effortless. So good.

And Christmas was lonely. It was just us all day long. My family lives a thousand miles away and we don't have the hootzpah or money to make the trek anytime soon. It's been so long since I've spent any real time in Missouri that it doesn't feel like home in my mind any more. Like my roots are gone. I'm jealous of everyone I know surrounded by family. Big family. Kind, supportive, loving, right around the corner family. Cousins and in laws and love and help and understanding. That does not exist for us. You can't build that if it simply isn't there. Sometimes it's so hard. I think back to big moments and it is always just us. The birth of my boys. Every move. Both autism diagnosis. Holidays. The flu. Little and big things. I started to cry to Michael last night. I need to not feel this lonely on Christmas. I need a community. I want my boys to have a community.



And today we put a toe back into normalcy and routine. 

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Both boys had Speech Therapy.

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And life felt like life again. We are so quick to label a situation. Good or Bad. Right or Wrong. Black or White. When in actuality nothing is usually one single thing. In doing so we limit the spectrum of feelings we are entitled to feel and to share. 

I'm off to watch Reality TV and also think deep thoughts about living truthfully in the moment. Different. Same. Life.

XOXO

Chrissy



16 comments:

  1. Merry Christmas, Chrissy. A very big ginormous ditto from MI. Word for word for word. Every. Single. Beat.
    (((((((Hugs)))))))
    Mary

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  2. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE this post! Girl - Thank you - especially for this "But all of that is bullshit. Wondering how YOU are going to feel about what I write isn't real. It's something stupid my mind is creating to censor myself. I'm blaming YOU for being afraid of my truth. It doesn't ever matter how people respond- it just matters that you say it." Wowzers! You amaze me. Simply amaze me with your strength - because you Mama is strong - I see your pictures and see YOU - and what I see is some straight up LOVE - love to those boys and that man! Thank you so much for sharing your perspective and life with us!! You're one cool Mama! Yep - just called you cool! I'll pray pray pray for that community for you - that God orchestrates some straight up community for you! Keep your eyes and heart open for some community!

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    1. Beautifully written Tish!! :-D Add my prayers to yours! :-)

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    2. I'm adding my prayers to Tish and Bay's for an awesome new home that abounds in a community that surrounds your family and overwhelms you with love, acceptance, and lots of "family" feelings. I will also pray that your new community will deep understanding of "super powers"!

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  3. I'm glad you got a little bit of Christmas magic, Chrissy! And I'm sorry to hear that the lonelies got you. Mean ol' lonelies! Must be related to the Grinch. :-P

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  4. Chrissy, for what it's worth you're not the only woman feeling all of this. The only difference is you're braver than I to be honest with yourself. I hope, with time, you realize you're building a community in this corner of the internet. While we may not know each other on a first name bases per say, I can reaffirm your words are resonating with many. For example, days prior to Christmas I started to feel off. I couldn't put my finger on it. Then out of no where I started to cry. The truth, which I knew but reluctantly wanted to acknowledge, was that I have a mother who suffers from depression. She lives within 15 miles from my home yet I know she won't be inviting us over or celebrate Christmas with us. Holidays are especially harder for her. Despite my large family we don't get together nearly as often as we should. While other friends gripe about having to travel from one home to another to share the holidays all I could think was, "If only my mother would invite my family over." We celebrated it alone. It was fine, but as my toddlers grow I'd like for them to have a sense of community. It's hard when it's just not existent. Therefore, I made a promise to myself for 2015. I need to be braver. Invite people into my home. Invite them to be a part of my life. More so than just the occasional Facebook correspondence. While I am beyond scared to do so I know if I don't create it then it just won't exist. I encourage you to do the same thing. Whether here on this blog or where you live. Lots of hugs from another California Gal.

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  5. Excellent post! Thank-you for your honesty - the good, the sad, - all of it.

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  6. Yup, totally understand. Even with family close being at home feels very lonely and hard and frustrating and exciting all at once. It makes me so happy the boys were excited about Christmas, that makes for beautiful memories. The grouch in me is glad it's all over and the house is back to normal, the sensory overload up in here was enough to make a blind man twitch. I crave normal. To 2015, with more love and growth than before.

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  7. Love this...I know what you are saying about the loneliness....and I'll send you big hugs all the way from Jersey. And your simple Christmas looked amazing....the look on Greyson's face Christmas morning was priceless!
    -Colleen

    -Colleen

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  8. Merry Merry Happy Everything to your beautiful family!!!
    I am very concerned… Is Frank moving with you?!?!?!
    -J

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    1. Unfortunately we will no longer be on his route- however- he goes to a block away. He will still stop by to see us each week- just on a different day!

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  9. My hope, prayers and wish for you and your family this year is to find friends ( who become family ) for you to share life's joys and trials with. Everyone needs that. I wish we lived close. I'd so make you my adopted daughter and those sweet boys my adopted grand babies. Family doesn't have to be blood.

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  10. I am praying that in your new home, you find true friends who can share the special and not so special times with you. I love the smiles on the boys' faces, they are happy despite the problems they face each day and that is the biggest accomplishment a mom can do....great job! And I'm so glad they will still have Frank!

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  11. Chrissy, I'm sending good vibes, prayers and most importantly, love. I'm hoping that your new neighborhood provides lots of friendly encounters. Try to be brave and vulnerable, but the gifts you receive might outweigh all of your fears. The holidays bring so many emotions for me as well, and I don't have children yet, but I had a good cry on Christmas Eve and it was good to just feel all the feelings. At the time it was painful and frustrating, but I know it was exactly what I needed RIGHT when I needed it. It reminded me to breathe and enjoy the good times when they come, they make the bad times a little less bad. I love Parker's dancing feet on Christmas morning and yours and Greyson's smiles. Cherish all the feelings :)

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