I was so proud of myself today for taking a shower this morning. Low expectations was clearly on my to do list today. I highly recommend days when you offer yourself a hefty portion of grace.
By the time I'm in it-I love taking a shower. As I stand under the hot water cascading down my back I feel at ease. It's really the pre and post that kills me. Before hand a shower always sounds like the worst thing ever in the world. I'd rather sleep (or write, or watch tv, or read, or eat or mostly anything but shower. Or clean). Showering is just so boring. And it's the same every single time. Nothing new or unexpected has ever happened to me in the shower. Not once. And you aren't allowed to eat peanut butter in there. But then I get in and it's quiet and warm and kind and I love it. If I could drink coffee and shower at the same time I probably would still be in there.
But then after. Back to so incredibly boring. And don't even get me started on doing my hair. It feels like a big fat waste. Because the next day- poof- all that hard work is undone and you are supposed to do it all over again. All that arm raising and moving and hot air is gone. Hair and makeup is something I've had to talk myself into lately. It's the same reason I hate eating at expensive fancy restaurants- after you eat what do you have to show for it? NOTHING. I'd much rather have a new pair of shoes than a fancy meal.
This week is flying and crawling...somehow all at the same time. We are smack dab in the midst of regular old life. I haven't written or taken many pictures lately.
We've been making our space feel more like home.
Doodle is fighting a wicked cold. And he learned he can turn the bath water on and get in. All on his own. With his clothes on.
We are in the middle of having our front yard dug up. We found our plumbing problem--a septic tank no one has known about for years. Weird. Gross. We are doing the paper work to get Greyson into school full time, starting some time in February. We took a tour of the classroom with him and he didn't want to leave. That was the very best sign there is--that and the fact that my gut wasn't screaming at me like it did at his previous school. I know it is right for us and I am so happy. Finding the right school was worth the move. Worth the plumbing. Worth it all. But February is like 5 minutes away. I miss Grey already, despite that he is still with me. I can see myself already, twenty years down the road at the grocery store. Looking at the frazzled momma with littles coming out of her cart like a clown car- longing for the time when mine were that young. That dependent. That squishy. I will bite my tongue and stop myself from telling her to "enjoy every moment". I won't tell her how fast it goes by. Part of her already knows it, and the other part of her doesn't care because she just needs a nap or a shower- TODAY. She will figure all of that out on her own. I'm totally the type that has to figure it out on my own too.
I was the world's worst tired, distracted (yet showered) mom in the world today. I played recorded shows for the kids all day long. I didn't play once. We didn't go outside. But I'm not allowing the guilt to get me. Oh well, we all have off days. Tomorrow is a do-over. (Wow, this grace thing really is amazing.)
It's amazing how the world changes when you remember to take care of yourself. Therapy can look like a great many things. Tonight's therapy came in the form of blaring and singing Culture Club's Do You Really Want To Hurt Me -and solo time at Target. In the midst of life and chaos, today I chose grace. I chose alone time. And I didn't feel an ounce of guilty.
Because my job is important. My happiness is important. Finding out what refuels you- and then doing it is important. 30% off boyfriend cardigans are important too. And I know, I know sister. You feel guilty when it's all about you. You can find a million reasons not to offer yourself that grace.
There's a million things you should be doing.
A million things you should spend your money on instead.
This is time you should be spending with your husband, wife, dog, grandma, kids.
There's a helluva lotsa shouldas we should ourselves with every damn day. But if we aren't happy- aint no one else gonna be happy around us either. I think we need to should less and grace more.
The only downside of my Target trip- all the swimsuits hanging up. Yes, I said SWIMSUITS. Target says it's swimsuit season and my ass says it's JANUARY -which in any thesaurus says, "The opposite of swim suit season." Seriously- last weekend I split right up the butt of my jeans when I bent down. And I STILL had to go to another store. And every time I bent down- MORE split. So while at the grocery store I could only buy things on shelves stomach level and higher. When I got home I saw that there were rips in both the left and right butt cheek. Clearly my entire butt can't even be contained. Screw off swimsuit season- let's chat in April.
We all say we hate perfect. That we want our kids to simply try their best. And then we say something totally different with our actions. We feel guilty for not balancing moming/dading/work/marriage/home/life just right. So we feel guilt when we do-- and angry, overwhelmed, fed up and unappreciated when we don't.
Stop. Just stop. I give you (and me) to focus today on you. Guilt free. Shoulda free. Amazing grace. Happyfull.
Much love AND grace,