Tuesday, February 10, 2015

letting go

Thirty minutes of pushing and his red and wet little wrinkled body was placed into my arms. He was the most magical of wands that turned me into a Mom. I couldn't believe the whole wide world could fit inside of 7lbs.

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And now he is five. 

SNAP. Just like that. And I don't know how people do it- give their child to the world. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. First, when I went back to work from the time he was 4 months old until he was a year. Then when he was three and he started preschool. And now tears drop onto my keyboard as I write, on the eve of his first day of kindergarten. It goes so fast that we are left with whip lash, mommas. But we let go. And we pray we have done enough to help them make the right choices. And survive. And even create their own flavor of happy. We pray the people around them not only treat them kindly- but celebrate their gifts as we do. 

And I'm not good at it at all. Taking my most prized gift and sharing it. I don't even like to share my nachos.

His short life flashes before my eyes. His blue eyes. The moments he looks into my eyes and I'm certain clocks everywhere stop ticking.
I'm so lucky.
I'm so sad.
I'm so blessed.

I will miss the greatest little adventure God has given me. Every day I will say goodbye and wait patiently for our hello. (And maybe workout shop a bit in between.)

I squash the additional fears that I can't deny special needs brings to my mind. Will others be kind to him? Will he get hurt? The preschool we took him out of left him with two bite marks and a black eye. Will he regress? Will the teachers know how to work it so he pays attention and learns? Or will they give up and just check the boxes? Will he be okay- because he can't tell me in words if he isn't. Will he learn what he needs to to survive when I die? There are no typical report cards by which he is measured. There is no science and math and history. They are trying to teach him a million ways to simply understand and exist in this world.

I take my foot and smash them all deep into the trash can of "shitty thoughts that benefit no one." Because they don't. They don't help Grey or me. In fact- they have they ability to hold him back and to suffocate me. 

Today is over, and we soaked up every last drop. 

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We had a cherished visit with Frank.

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I hugged him for me and for all of you that tell me you wish you could. 

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And he got to be a little boy. 

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Sometimes when I get a massage I ruin it by thinking "Man, this feels so good. I needed this. I wonder how much time has gone by. I bet it's going to be over soon. I'm going to be so sad when it's over. I wonder how much time I have left now?" I don't want to do that with Moming and with life. I will stop thinking about how fast it's going by and I will just relax and enjoy.

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I look to Grey to show me how it's done. Getting dirty and being cool with it. Letting go. Trying things that feel impossible. Trying my best every damn day. Showing up and letting God control the rest. So okay, God. As you know his umbilical chord was never cut- it's just stretched. 
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Here he is- my gift. You know what you are doing. Please take extra special care of him while I send him out into the world.

So much love it hurts sometimes,



  1. Thinking of you today Chrissy and sending love. I hope that you remember to breathe while Grey is at school, that you enjoy some fun with Doodle, that Grey has a wonderful first day and you have stories to share! Today is hard, letting go is hard, love is hard, trust is hard and yet we do it all ... Sometimes not all at once but we CAN do these things. Sending a great big hug your way ❤️

  2. You are probably (hopefully) still asleep as I write this, as it's 7am in New Jersey. But know that you will have lots of people sending you good energy and thinking about you and Grey today. Here's to a wonderful new beginning! May it be all that you could hope for and more!

  3. Ahh! So freaking good I can't take it! You nail it every.single.day. It's so comforting that I am not the only one who has these feelings. I wish I was this talented and could write them so beautifully but the next best thing is this blog:). This was one of my favorites!

  4. He is going to learn and grow so beautifully. My comfort comes from knowing that God places us in situations and with people that we need for a given time, and I have lots of faith on teachers. He's got you all to come home to, his world is full. It'll be okay momma. Hugs. (miss seeing your smile at the preschool)

  5. I hurt with you as we are moving and will have to change our son's school. Another new person? Another classroom of kids? Will they be nice to him? Ahhh, I don't like the unknown.

  6. Thinking of you and your brave, big, bold, opening mama heart today. Sending love.

  7. It's hard - I just put my little guy on the big yellow school bus to Kindergarten this past fall. I bet he will amaze you even more with what he can do. Sending hugs. And so glad you got to give Frank a hug for all of us.

  8. Prayers for you and Grey. As a Grandma, I have the same worries about my tenderhearted little first grader!

  9. every day is a gift! I will pray for Grey tomorrow and I will pray for your heart to be at peace. Life is indeed hard and yet so good. I am a grandmother and I have such a heart for these little ones. I know I might not ever have the joy of meeting you but you have touched places in my heart that have been made more tender. Thank you. Renee