Wednesday, March 25, 2015

beautiful horrible life

I'm not okay.

I'm working on saying that and owning it. I don't know what happened to me growing up that made me think I always had to have it all together. I don't know what me think that not being okay is synonymous with weak. But it's there- woven throughout every part of me so deeply that sometimes I don't even know I'm not okay at first. I notice my jaw clenched so tight that I have a headache. I chew gum like it's my job to murder the little rubbery blob. That big vein on my forehead throbs in anger. 

Life is hard. It just is. Sometimes it's hard but we are able to do it pretty easily. Sometimes it's hard and it feels impossible. Every time it's hard and feels impossible it shocks me. I instantly look to see what I am doing wrong. Am I not being strong enough? Open enough? Flexible enough? Grateful enough? I just pile crap on top of more crap. I hate people who play the victim and blame life for every little thing that goes wrong- so I do the opposite. I blame ME. For it ALL. And it's exhausting to be the cause of EVERY SINGLE THING BAD in the world. (And PS- I had NOTHING to do with Obama care.)
And then I search for a way to medicate despite the fact I know those fixes are short term. When life is really drowning me- nothing really works. I don't have a glass of wine to unwind because if I'm sad booze makes me more sad. SHORT TERM GOOD- NEXT DAY BAD.  I don't take drugs like xanex. I can't ask for a prescription because I would like it much much too much. Then I would need it and mask whatever it is that is going on that I really need to dip into. I can't run anymore- my knees think I am 90 years old. Sometimes a Target trip or a new tank top from Gap is medicine enough. But lately, nothing can touch this ache.

Nothing but honesty. A readiness to say- MAN, this life ride is SUPER HARD sometimes. And I just want to GET OFF but it won't stop and it's making me dizzy. So here I am world. Having a hard time. And in the midst of the crap I am remembering the following lessons. 

Life is hard. And easy and hard and easy and hard. That's something we can depend on. We must stay fluid and be ready for the swing of the pendulum. The good always comes back around.

You are not to blame for EVERYTHING. Neither is your ex-husband or neighbor or mother in law. No one can or should have that power. Why are we so desperate to find a cause anyway? It's not a disease- it's life. Just throw out the blame.

Sometimes it's important to tell the voice in your head to STFU. Michael has been traveling for almost two weeks straight. And each day it feels like another boulder is being placed on my shoulders. This past weekend I lost it. A month ago I got my hair highlighted and it was awful. I was a mix between a zebra and a cheetah. So after feeling incredibly ugly and awful I decided I needed to take care of me and fix it on Friday. I went to someone new. And instead of getting fixed it is worse. It's not me. I left feeling scared and sick and ugly and angry and overwhelmed and completely misunderstood. I couldn't stop crying. Like heaving tears- like my hair was a loved one that died. (Now I am a skunk. Clearly my hair is intent on being an animal). Everything has felt ten times harder since then. Even tonight I was unloading the dish washer and I stopped to pay attention to my horrible inner monologue. I hate unloading the dishwasher. Why doesn't it dry the top rack like it's supposed to?! I hate drying dishes. The sucky thing is I'm going to have to do all of this over again tomorrow.  I kindly told myself to shut up and keep things in perspective. Keeping Parker on the potty for about three hours today- hard. Drying a few wet cups and bowls- not so hard. 

Those repeated lessons in our lives means we probably haven't learned what we are supposed to learn yet. This one is HUGE for me. And what I still need to learn is how to have patience during the in between. I also need to learn how to be fine not being fine. And this is me practicing it right now.

One thing I like to do is take pictures. I realize that when I am taking pictures I am also simultaneously feeling some sort of good feeling about life. And when life is too overwhelming I notice I don't grab my camera nearly as much. Today I put the horse before the chicken or whatever the heck it's called and I took pictures all day long of every day life. It helped me see how much beauty this (sometimes) hard life contains.  

Every day life...

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Greyson- it's time to get out of bed.

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It's so hard when he yells- NOOOOO. BED! I want to say- Great idea son! Let's skip school today.

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My wingman

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He HATES teeth and hair brushing

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His feeties resting on mine because they don't reach the stool. I look at this picture and suddenly I love life.

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Jack enjoys sunshine better than any human I know

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Dogs and kids are the greatest at living in the moment

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Greyson and I

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When you are five even the grocery store can be a blast

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I gave him a verbal list. Go get bananas. Go get two bags of chips. He loves responsibility. And running into my (now) bruised heals with this bad boy.

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After nap time goodness.

What do you do when you get in a funk? How do you take care of you?


  1. I walk/ run. I've realized when everything starts spinning I need to sweat. Then I need a bath, literally and to relax. But the biggest thing I've allowed myself to say, is that I only have two hands. They will get done the things that need to be done right now, and for everything else there is tomorrow. Once I allowed imperfection things started to just work. Hugs momma.

  2. "I also need to learn how to be fine not being fine." Thank you for this post! That`s how I need to take care of me, to say: it`s ok. You are tired and some day there will be enough sleep. Today: breathe. Read Crissys blog. Feel better.

  3. Lisa from TennesseeMarch 26, 2015 at 7:52 AM

    Grey looks so big in that first picture! Wow, the time is flying. And the pic of him in bed grinning from ear to ear is priceless! And can I say I love love LOVE the picture of Parker's feet on yours! I understand your comment about loving life when you look at it.
    When life gets to be too much for me, there are a few things I do. I read, for one. I escape into someone else's life for a while. The other thing I do, although not often enough, is meditate. I actually have a tattoo on my arm that represents my "happy place." It's where I picture in my head when I meditate and sometimes it feels like I'm actually there, and that helps so much.
    I hope today is better for you!

  4. I, literally, could have written this about my life! And the letting of the BLAME! I'm trying so hard to focus on that...

    I think you're onto something with picking up the camera anyway...

    Right here with you! Thank you for putting it in words today.

  5. I, literally, could have written this about my life! And the letting of the BLAME! I'm trying so hard to focus on that...

    I think you're onto something with picking up the camera anyway...

    Right here with you! Thank you for putting it in words today.

  6. I have been in this funk many times before (and I HATE that the cups on my top rack are still wet!). It sill happens but I can snap back much quicker now thanks to a lot of reading/listening/work I have done. Not sure if you like to read (it's where I turn when I'm losing it) but I would highly recommend Loving What Is by Byron Katie. The first time I read it, I didn't think that much. But, I just read it again for some training I am doing and wow... this time it was life changing! If you don't have time or the desire to read - just listen to Brooke Castillo's Life Coach podcast - Episode #10 Byron Katie Lessons. She does a fantastic job of summing it up in a really effective way. Love her too. I love your writing and your pictures so just keep swimming... another one of my favorites!

  7. YES, lady - it's amazing how admitting that you aren't fine can feel like weakness, but what you're showing to us (and to your kiddos, I'm sure of it) is pure STRENGTH. xoxo

  8. I'm currently in that funk, and find myself there often. I spend most of it trying to talk myself out of it, saying I shouldn't be feeling this because Im so blessed. I don't know what to do to get out of it. Right now I'm just trying to accept that it's ok to feel what I feel. As I've often said, I wish that we were friends in real life and we could be in a funk together.

  9. Chrissy,
    I'm sorry stuff has felt so hard lately but it makes sense based on what you have described.
    I'm too tired tonight to really write much of value and this is going to seem very little but I just wanted to share this: I have found that the plastic stuff in the dishwasher doesn't dry like the other stuff does. We put that stuff in a drying rack on the counter and let it air dry. This drying rack lives on our counter and it pretty much always has something in it. So some people probably would not like that look but it works for us and I almost never dry anything with a towel. Love to you and all your fans too :-)


  11. So sorry you are not okay. I felt that way today too. Thanks for being brave enough to share it. Your photos always make me smile, even though I'm not okay either, but you made it a little more okay. xo

  12. To help my dunks I go outside, when I can... it is cold where I live in MI so some days are too cold to take my infant daughter out in, but if we can, we take a hike. Cooking/baking new recipes or napping are 2 others for me. Praying helps but sometimes feels hard to get into the right mindset. Hugs mama.