The world has felt so loud and mean and harsh lately. I feel like some people think as long as they are behind the wheel of a car or behind the name anonymous on their computer that gives them permission to be a total asshole. When I write at night it has always felt like I was sharing with a dear friend...but I know it's bigger than that. Not everyone who reads loves me or all of my choices- and you let me know. And sometimes that's hard and weird. You know- because I'm already amazing at judging and second guessing myself. Because one thing I know is that I'm trying my best every damn day. And lately- I'll be honest- for the past couple of weeks or so- my best sucks.
When I first started writing three years ago I felt so self-conscience with every single post I shared. I felt stupid for feeling so much- and then sharing it. My face would burn after I hit post and I would quickly slam my computer shut so I didn't have to think about it for one second longer. Why is there so much shame with brutal (always kind)honesty? Why is there so much shame in saying I don't have it all together. Or I hurt. Or marriage is really stinking hard. And sometimes I feel like the only person who gets me is my dog Jack. But he actually is kind of a dodo bird and doesn't get me. But he stays by me when I need him to. He spoons with me at night. He wags his nubbin tail when I walk in the door.
The more I wrote, the more that shame from sharing went away. And then it only showed its head here and there. Like when I wrote about the day I started to accept that Parker has autism. Then again when I wrote about going to marriage counseling with Michael. And tonight- nothing sounded worse than writing. Almost as if there are demons I don't have the energy to fight. Sometimes writing just opens a box of crap and it explodes out and I don't know how to put everything back again. Sometimes it's so hard for me to be sad, and even harder to admit it.
And the funny thing is- my sad isn't autism. Or money. Or moving. Or finding a school for the boys. Or a lack of health. I kick ass when there's something big on the table. But then sometimes I think I save up my sad- and then BOOM. I'm just going about my life and the sad hits me. It happened the other night when I was getting a super unfancy table massage. As the therapist was digging into the knots on my shoulders my eyes just started to cry. It's happened a couple of times before- like during yoga or a massage. Like my muscles are holding onto beautiful sadness and suddenly it starts leaking out. The unexplainable sad. And sometimes we don't need good reasons to be sad. We just are.
So I am here, showing up, writing. I met a remarkable woman who lost both of her parents to cancer at a young age. At times she felt completely anonymous and alone. And do you know what she did? She became a hospice counselor. I started to cry when I said to her- "How do you do it? The thing that took so much from you. How do you just run into the fear like that? Some people can't even go in a hospital after such loss- and here you are- running into a burning building and rescuing others."
I run from it, friends. I shop from it. I eat from it. I ignore it. But tonight- in my own tiny way, I am running towards it instead of away.
I am sad. I've been in a funk for a week. (I'm ready to be me again).
Some things that make me smile today...
This gut wrenching post from Oren Miller- an incredible dad that lost his life to lung cancer. His words allow me to touch and remember the profound joy in my life. Because we can be sad and happy, all swirled into one.
He says "It was only on the drive back that I realized I had been experiencing the biggest tragedy of human existence: I was having the time of my life, and I didn't even know it." Read the full post HERE. And may God rest your gorgeous soul.
And some pictures from the weekend... They really help me see happy.
How sweet is this green machine? It's getting all done up now with some new skin. But as soon as I saw it outside I said- I must take her picture. Her name is Roberta I just decided- because that was my grandma's name. If you love vintage and reloved items follow New Vision's Reloved on Facebook .
And over the weekend we stopped and strolled through the almond orchards. They are this close to being fully in bloom.
Spring is coming cold weather friends. I promise.
The thinker...like his momma.
Petals fall down like snow- and the boys go wild. It's the greatest.
I love Doodle because sometimes when he is happy- he holds his mouth open wild and smiles. Almost as if he's trying to capture all the happy he can. I never ever put it together - you know- where he got that from until I saw this picture.
Many of you ask- Who takes the pictures when you are in them? I hire a photographer to follow us around daily. Like the president. Just kidding- I set the camera based on lighting and hand it to Michael.
Sad and having the time of my life- all at once. It is possible.
Wait- do you hear that?!!! SILENCE. It's 9:16 and the moming day is finally done. Well done you- you made it through the day too. I'm off to enjoy the quiet.
Thank YOU for always sharing your life. I am in awe of your strength and perspectiveReplyDelete
Ugh! I'm working, and sometimes when I'm at a facility, their internet connection doesn't allow me to see your beautiful pictures. And this post is sooooo picture-centric! I have to wait until I get back to the hotel tonight! And I didn't get to see yesterday either, and then when I got back to the hotel, I grabbed a bite and fell into bed. Tonight....double post! But, thank you for the words, even if I can't see the pictures. I, and many many others love your writing, your bravery, your honesty. You help even those of us who don't have super powers or children with super powers. I hope your funk ends, and your happiness returns. Life is good and every day above ground is a good day, even when that day seems like it's never going to end and the sun is hiding from you personally. Love you!ReplyDelete
Love to you from one of your "cold weather friends." We have an ice storm, there is an inch of pure ice from my doorstep to forever it seems. And it makes me sad because I'm not jumping around and excited for a cozy stay at home day. Truth is.... Today I don't know if I have what it takes to entertain two special little boys inside all day long. But I will. I will do this. And spring? It's just days away. On Friday it's supposed to be a whopping 40*. I keep telling myself to hold on, I can do this. Just a few more days.ReplyDelete
I totally understand this post. Somedays just feel so lonely. Like no one can possibly understand all that love and hurt that goes on, all at the same time, inside my heart. I love my boys so much but sometimes it hurts because they're not like other boys. Sometimes people say "oh but you wouldn't change a thing about them!!" And you know what? That's just not true. I want my boys to walk. I want to hear what their voices sound like. And if I could I would change it.
My sweet little girl died 5 years ago and some days that sad hits me so hard that I can't breathe. But it is through this experience, this utter sadness, that I have learned that great joy and great sadness can live in my heart at the same time.
Keep pressing on, my friend, you're not alone. We all get in a funk sometimes. Some people just don't have enough courage to admit it. Thanks for helping me feel not so terribly alone this morning, I needed it
as said above, "thank you for sharing your life, i am in awe of your strength and perspective" - i look forward to your new posts because they are so thoughtful about the hard and mundane stuff of life, loving the kids, struggling with the marriage, getting through the day... thank you for writing, thank you for sharing, i love the gorgeous pictures of your gorgeous boys and your gorgeous self and am sending hugs to all of you!ReplyDelete
So I poke my head in over here just about every day to see what you're up to. I love that you're honest and real, but mostly I love to hear your take on life. My daughter just turned 5 and has been a flappy kid since she could flap. And we've not paid it too much heed 'cept when it scares us to death (she's pretty verbal, and socially, it's been easy so far because she's young and her circle has been small - kindergarden next year, no doubt there will be new challenges). Then this past summer we took her to an amazing aquarium (she loves fish), and she happened to stand in front of a huge tank, next to a little boy about the same age. And they both flapped so hard they nearly took flight! And it broke my heart because she finally ran into another kid with exactly the same flappy - and it was beautiful until I realized that neither of them noticed that they were two flappy kids together. She was still completely alone. And we came home from vacation with new fears of her being so alone all her life, and I stumbled on your blog a short while later. Your love of your boys and your perspective makes this a little lighter. So thank you. For being honest and hitting "post" even when it scares you.ReplyDelete
I sent Oren's post over to my husband. We get caught up in the day to day and where we think we should be. None of that should matter. We are having the time of our life right now with two beautiful boys. They are our pot of gold! Thank you for writing.ReplyDelete
Your posts help me feel less stress and more joy. You make me find the happy! Keep posting! We need you.ReplyDelete
Earlier this week my cousin posed a question on Facebook asking if you could only read one blog for the year what would it be. Hands down I choose yours. Every time you hit post it helps keep my perspective on the positive and what is truly important in life. Thank you so much for your honesty.ReplyDelete
I have been reading your blog for over a year now, and though I always mean to comment and offer your my support and thanks, I never have. Today that changes. I first came across your blog through Autism Speaks' website. The first post of yours that I read was about coming to terms with Parker's likely diagnosis. At the time, I was still deep in the days of those endless Google searches that every parent of a child on the spectrum partakes in. I wanted answers. I wanted a crystal ball. I wanted an answer other than autism. Then I saw your beautiful boys, and your words spelled out exactly what I had been feeling but could not express. I think that for many of your readers, you take the words right out of our mouths and with that you ease so much guilt and stress and anxiety. We all have bad mom days (or weeks) and your willingness to share makes me feel less alone. Thank you for sharing your boys and your experiences. My son will start Kindergarten in September, and reading your post about Greyson's first day was surreal. I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach as though I was right there with you, but the worrying was a waste because he did awesome, and I know my son will too. They are resourceful little creatures that prove our worries wrong time and again.ReplyDelete
I just heart you, Chrissy. Thanks for showing up and for being you.ReplyDelete
xoxo, Sara from Write: Doe Bay :)
Oh goodness, I really needed to read this. Thank you for pushing forward and writing. We are traveling through a difficult patch with a child, yet again. It's hard, heavy stuff and I just push through as well. And you are so right, I hadn't realized that all the pushing has left me storing up my sadness. Tears come in very unexpected places, and I'm caught off guard. My heart cries and at the same time I want to throw an adult sized tantrum and curl up in a ball and sob my eyes out for a few years. Life is messy, and my disillusion of what I thought it would be like is hard to reconcile sometimes.ReplyDelete