Some scenes from Summer...
Evening family walks always sound like a bad idea until we go. And then I'm amazed by the world, the hot evening breeze and the buzz of street lights. I looped Jack the dog's leash around Greyson's waist and it is a memory I hope I see again when I die. Greyson giggling and running and Jack practically smiling. Pinch me good.
I'm teaching Parker all my best pole moves.
The fact that Summer is over and school is starting up again has paved every thought of mine this week. I'm anxious. I'm not ready for the whole new Teacher, new classroom thing. Change is so hard. Beginnings are hard.
And that got me thinking- middles are pretty hard too. Yep, in fact- it's often the time in between that I struggle with the most. They take forever. Much longer than we would like or expected to wait. And heck- you know what?- endings are hard too. All of life is hard. Which is actually kind of freeing because it takes some of the pressure off beginnings.
Because life is easy. And then hard again. And then easy and hard. Again and again. And I'm pretty sure that's exactly what life is supposed to be. We fret the hard. Curse it. Beg it to end. And when it's easy-often we don't even get a chance to enjoy the easy, because we either don't notice it - or we are nervously waiting for the other shoe to drop. We know the hard is right around the corner.
Why do we spend so much time fearing the hard of the future, hating the hard of the present, and obsessing over the hard of the past? Why do we protect ourselves from the cascading joy of easy?
If you are like me- you are afraid to enjoy the easy. I hunger for happiness but don't want to need it as much as I sometimes do. I don't want its absence to scare me. I'm afraid I will be wading in easy's beauty - and then BAM. It all goes to shit. I think part of that is how I'm wired- it's just me. But part of it is because of autism. Many people go through post traumatic stress when life's huge stresses threaten to break you. Whether it's a diagnosis, loss or a major life event. And you are forever changed after it- there's no going back. Ever. And you never want to feel that unguarded, unprepared and traumatized again. So you prepare for bad instead of embracing good and you work to control and plan everything.
And change scares me more than scary movies in the dark. Because when something is totally brand-spanking, top to bottom new- it's impossible to plan for each and every possible life scenario. I am at life's mercy again- just like I was with autism. And that scares me.
My rational mind knows that a change in Teacher or job or home is NOTHING like a diagnosis of autism. Running out of fruit snacks or our grocery store no longer carrying our favorite brand of gluten free bread isn't autism. But sometimes my mind doesn't like to be rational. If it smells like change I will run if I can. And if I can't? I will be freaking out inside. Many of our fears aren't rational- but we don't know that until we talk them out. Until we place them under the light. And then sometimes when we do that, change is no longer a scary movie. It's like a Disney movie, complete with catchy soundtrack.
Change has a bad rap with control folk freaks like me. So I'm working on it sister. Change is clearly a thread throughout all of our lives. How much easier would all of life be if we learned to befriend change, instead of fear it?
What if we came up with a plan. A plan to recognize the easy and walk right into the hard. Talk/write our feelings out and remember that no matter the circumstances- we can all relate to each others feelings.
We each have been given this special story to live. And if we don't like our story- CONGRATULATIONS. We have the skills to make CHANGE. And maybe for once, change can be a good, good thing. Admitting we can't control much but our thoughts and choices. NOT THE WHOLE WORLD. The opposite of change isn't staying the same- it's dead. We can't be alive and stay the same.
We are constantly growing, changing and evolving.
So happy to be alive with you,
" You go through post traumatic stress when life's huge stresses threaten to break you. Whether it's a diagnosis or a major life event. And you are forever changed after it- there's no going back. Ever. And you never want to feel that unguarded, unprepared and traumatized again. So you prepare for bad instead of embracing good.ReplyDelete
And change scares you more than scary movies in the dark. Because when something is totally brand-spanking, top to bottom new- it's impossible to plan for each and every possible scenario. I am at life's mercy again. Like I was with autism. And that scares me. "
Those lines...they got me because that's me. A major life event like being sexually abused and you never want to be that vulnerable again so I will make dam sure I've got a plan, always. So when life throws me a curve ball and I get a child with special needs and I can't plan I panic. I always expect the worst, plan for it, panic over it. Trying to embrace change, trying to take life as it comes and enjoy the moment. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail and that's ok too. Thanks for sharing this, thanks for speaking to my heart.
Beautiful Corrie. So beautiful and true. That trauma - it bleeds into you. It makes you want to control it all. And we can't. We can't but we try. And I create this mind prison while I do it. And I want to be free. You want to be free too. I feel it. We are working on it sister. That is more than good enough. Working to break free. XoDelete
Love the photos of your precious boys and your words. Thanks for writing and sharing them. Quick question. Is Jack a therapy dog? If so, how old was Grayson when you got him? Thanks.ReplyDelete
Thanks for sharing your life with all of us!ReplyDelete
Thanks you for putting hard feelings and thoughts into words. I love coming here to this space to think about life with you. I had a thought recently that I'm trying to figure out how to use to help me with "hard". Still working on that but here's the gist of it. People seem to be really into hard physical challenges these days - marathons, half marathons, triathlons, biking, hiking, etc. People actually go seeking this "hard" and not avoiding it. I want to help myself look at other hard things in life as a challenge that I can celebrate after I've done it just like someone might celebrate a race. I know we might not get a medal but if we can change our way of looking at the hard, maybe we can feel more like someone at the beginning of one of those physical challenges - with a plan to finish/get through/give it our best effort. As I said, right now it is just a thought - I haven't quite figured out how to put it in practice in my mind yet but I think it could really help me and perhaps others too. I guess a big difference is the races are things people sign up for and the life stuff just comes at us sometimes. But still I think we can work with that in our minds. Maybe we can even make ourselves medals :-)
Much love to you and your family - it is privilege to come along on life's journey with you.
It's so weird, because in many areas of my life I crave change, need it even! But when it comes to my kids, change freaks me out and I long to have complete control again. -your sister control freakReplyDelete