Tuesday, October 13, 2015

letting go of prefection

I am what you think of me. 

No, not you as a reader of these here words. You- as a people. As a society. As the person in front of me at the grocery store. The person who wouldn't let me into traffic. The writer of the crappy rejection letter when I submitted one of my blog posts. You know, the one about letting go of expectation. You see, that was a piece of my heart, and your callous robotic "We'll pass, but submit another story soon" was even more assaulting. Like eat a half a bag of funions in my car insulting. 

I am the dinner that burned and the broccoli that turned to mush. 

I am the package I forgot to mail, when I did everything else in the universe on the list of to do.

I am the awful zit that deserves its own zip code.

I am the loudest yell, after I've lost my patience with the boys at 7:30 at night and I feel so guilty.

I am five minutes late to the appointment.

I am how my kids behave.

I am judge and jury to myself and I am not fair at all. But I don't want to be what I think you think of me. I don't want to be what I think of me when I am not perfect. Which is always. 

I hate perfect, yet I chase her daily. And she always runs faster than me. Knows more than me. Is prettier and nicer and a better dresser and cook than me. She is everything more than me. And she isn't even real. There are consequences to chasing perfect- and that's never being happy for longer than a minute. Perfection often stops me from getting what I really want. What I deserve. Because I talk myself out of so many things. You know- because I can do them but I don't because I can't do them perfectly.

But today I remember letting her go, is much more important than chasing her. Perfect, it's not you, it's me. And I like me more than you so you are going to need to go. I'm looking for someone more along the lines of content. 

I am not what I do. I am not what I think you think of me. That's heresay anyway- right? I am not my big and tiny mistakes. I am not even my greatest successes. I am a girl, waking up every day and doing the best she can. I will work on being imperfect and content. I will work on making more mistakes, failing more. I am ready to be me.

“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” ~Anna Quindlen

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