I take inventory of my current state. Dirty, crazy, rained on my head all day hair curlyish straight hair. Pajama top -and still daytime pants- on. Contacts out, glasses on. We were out this evening and got home later than Parker's bed time. I am a lot tired and a little frazzled.
But this is everything I wanted and I didn't even know. How great is that?
I remember vividly sitting wide awake in the middle of the night, pregnant with Greyson. A boy I only knew by name and by kicks. Not like I know him now, by his sly, up to no good smile. Not by his thick wavy-I would pay for those highlights-hair. Not by his incredible strength to try and try again.
I tried so hard to picture what Moming would be life after he arrived. I could dreamily picture going home from the hospital, birthday parties, trips to the zoo and nighttime rituals. However, I couldn't at all picture how it was going to be on a regular old Tuesday. What will life look like then? What kind of mom will I be? Will I be strict? Will I know what I'm doing? Will I be a completely different person all together? Will I be fun? (YES! I must make sure to be fun.) Will I be that frazzled, super not put together Mom? WILL I WEAR MOM JEANS?
The answer is yes, to all of those things (except the jeans). It was so clear while rocking Parker. Yes, I am all of that and much much more. It's impossible to claim one mothering style, described by just a few adjectives for any of us. We are simply, all of it- at different times. Frazzled, calm. Scattered, collected. Crazy, sane. Happy, sad. Everything bagels, mixed with blueberries and chocolate chips. (But more delicious than that sounds.)
I've been MIA, and I've missed you. I blame it on this- sounded like a good idea at the time, 10 day cleanse I'm doing. It's online and run by a health and fitness expert. Today is day 9, and I'm certain the next 24 hours will CRAWL. It's called an anti-candida cleanse. You'll have to google Candida, it's super sciency and I'm too malnourished to explain. But the diet basically consists of NO COFFEE!!!!, sorry I'm yelling, but I haven't had coffee for nine days now and Michael left at 4:45 am this morning and kissed the two bitty boys tucked under my arms, which woke them up, which means I was left with two wide awake (one crying) kids before 5am. And that was the longest run on sentence in America.
Oh yes, the cleanse- NO COFFEE, all meals are 80% veggies, 20% starchy vegetables, a protein or a grain (We can have quinoa, millet, amaranth and one other thing I've never heard of and can't remember.) No cheese. No dairy. No nuts, except for raw and sprouted almonds. No rice. NO COFFEE.
And I don't like quinoa because- COME ON ALREADY. It's too tiny to really chew properly so I feel like I'm eating warm, soft bird seed. Half the cleansers quit over the weekend, and the other half are going on about how they have never felt more energy and more productive in their lives. I don't know how we are on the same cleanse. And when discussing side effects, everything is attributed to the detoxing process.
"Hey guys, my butt turned inside out and my eyes are leaking blood,"
"Oh yes, that is how your body detoxes sugar. That's great news actually, you are really getting clean in there!"
Despite all of this chaos, I'm so glad I am doing it. (I can't believe I just wrote that. I also can't believe it's true.) I mean, how often do we get to choose to do something uncomfortable for growth? Mostly never, because most of us
But then LIFE happens and we have to find a way out of discomfort and into a new kind of normal. And it's so so hard, because we feel so lonely, so lost, so alone and so hopeless and drowning in quick sand. We are so out of practice when it comes to surviving that middle, awful, endless part of pain. Pain cannot be denied, ignored or side stepped. You gotta walk right down the middle of its awfulness.
So in a way, I think of this cleanse as discomfort practice. And it's a proven fact I just made up to prove my point, that people who can get to the other side of hard stuff- are happiest. Are the most authentic. Are simply put- AWESOME. The cleanse was unbearable the first two days due to caffeine withdrawal. Then it slooooowly got better each day, but no cray cray energy or leaking bloody eyeballs. And I've wanted to quit 3,456. TODAY ALONE. But I will do it to prove to myself that I can. I will do it because I don't need another thing to feel like a failure over. I will do it because that was my goal and the only thing bigger than the pain of discomfort- is the JOY of making it to the other end of that something hard.
And I've gotten a handful of takeaways from the cleanse.
- Nutritional yeast (this nutrient, and protein rich, seasoning powdery stuff that is supposed to taste like cheese) smells like sweaty balls. Like the inside of a filthy men's locker room. Luckily it tastes better than I assume that smells, but I can not confirm or deny that. I would have to hold my nose with one hand and shake with the other. The last time I shook it on something I smelled it by mistake and gagged, so I don't think I'll be revisiting that seasoning anytime in this life.
- Vegetables. I need to eat way more.
- Sugar- I need to eat less. I don't need little doses of it throughout the day every day. With a fruit snack here and a sugary latte there, and marshmallows and hot chocolate in my afternoon coffee. I will never give up my weekend ice cream binges. THEY COMPLETE ME. In fact, I will continue my method of healthy Sunday-Thursday and whatever the heck I want on the weekends. I'll just be a little smarter about what "healthy" looks like.
- I am a better mom when caffeinated. TRUE STORY. But I don't need to drink it all day long. A little tea can help crave those urges when they come along in the afternoon.
This past week I couldn't eat and I just didn't know what to do with myself. So we painted our playroom and finally finished Grey's room. So -more productive? Yes. Happier- HELL TO THE NO WAY JOSE.
Toy car storage DIY tutorial found HERE.
And we did have fun with friends. That is a must. (Fun + Friends are my favorite F words).
SENSORY HEAVEN. A gymnastics place with free play- YES PLEASE. (For my local friends, It's called Gymnastics Beat and I plan on being there lots this Summer.
And there you have it my precious friend. So now if you do not want to- you do not have to do a cleanse. I did one for us. You are welcome.
Time for bed.
PS- COFFEE FIRST THING THURSDAY MORNING. IT'S A DATE.