Monday, June 11, 2018

let's go to beach

Acceptance is a process, not a single ending point. Like the tide, it sometimes goes back and forth. It sucks us pushes us out. It's unpredictable. Permanent but feels fleeting. So real you can almost hold it in your hands. Time is a school in which we learn these things. A crack into reality spilling out. Welcome to your life, in all its glory, it all its pain. Isn't it grand?

Feelings are my greatest friend. My deepest pain. Most days, I wouldn't have it any other way. We all deserved to be loved exactly the way we are. Especially by ourselves. That's what I work on. To love me-- big feelings and all.

I think when a baby leaves our body, something else immediately replaces it. A strength that can hurt and ache and appear empty or missing- but it's there. When called to, we push through pain and we gather that strength and we hold out against the crashing of the waves. It's remarkable what the human spirit can withstand. You are amazing.

Over the weekend we went to the place we used to call home- Hermosa Beach. Grey was only a year old when we moved from Southern California to the Central Valley- about four hours away. I needed a deliberate break from regular life to mark the end of the shortest longest school year in the history of life.

As soon as my eyes met the water, they filled with tears. THIS. This is what is real, I reminded myself. Sometimes I get stuck in a thinking bubble that feels so small, so everything in the world. This is everything. Compared to the ocean, my problems are so small.

The waves are so loud, you don't even have to think. You just get to feel. The constant calming sensory input is medicinal. 

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And each wave that comes in creates squeals of joy, and an inhale that fills me up.

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Doesn't Parker look like Gary Sinise here? I am so confused.

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And then the waves are called back home. The water pulls at your feet and takes with it- all that hurts inside your head. EXHALE.

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Eating sand is hilarious. Clearly.

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This is my therapist, Wendy who lives in Hermosa. Ok, so she's actually my dearest friend, whom I sometimes treat as my therapist. There's been several times in my life when I have called her, and after she says "hello?" all I can do in reply is cry and squeak back. She always knows exactly who it is. (Ok, fine- that's also because of Caller ID, but even if she didn't have that she would know). She listens like a world class listener, and then she reminds me who I am when I forget. Luckily she doesn't forget like I do. I love you Wendy- bigger than this here Ocean.

And photo cred goes to Parker! Over the weekend he suddenly realized what this gadget that I have carrying around since his birth does. And now it's the first thing he wants to do when he wakes up. "I want camera", he tells me.  I'll share some more of his pictures soon. He took a million. I am crazy about them and can't tell you how much I adore watching Parker find something that makes him so observant of the world around him and so happy.

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Taking pictures makes me come alive too. My pictures remind me how beautiful life is, because sometimes I forget.

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The boys like the hotel as much as they like the beach.

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Probably because they can jump on the bed and going swimming in their pool.

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Going back to Hermosa Beach again is pretty much the only thing on my Summer Bucket List. Since we've been back, Parker has told me, "Let's go to beach," one million four thousand and twenty two times.

What makes you happy? This Summer- go do it. 

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