Thursday, July 12, 2018

what makes you

I don’t care about the weather, or how Kylie Jenner is a billionaire or that The Bieber got engaged. I want to know what makes you feel alive? What are you passionate about? 

What keeps you awake at night? What do you struggle with most?

How do you take your coffee? What's your favorite cereal? Non chocolate candy?

What brings you joy? Real, filterless joy. The kind that makes you lose track of time and your phone? For me, it's the Ocean. We went to Hermosa Beach last weekend for one night, and as always, it was magical. Hermosa is a beachfront city in Los Angeles, and the place Michael, Greyson and I lived before we moved to the Central Valley of California.

I go to the Ocean to reset. To feel the pull of the tide at my feet. To remember what and who matters most to me in the world. Three hours passes in ten minutes here. I think I could stay forever.*

(* that is a lie that sounds good. I need to go get a shower and get the sand out of my parts every once in awhile too.)

When was the last time you laughed? Like hold your stomach, don’t make a sound laugh? Mine was April 16. I know because the date is on the video from my phone.

My boys LOVE going to my friend Wynema's house. Like LOVE LOVE. The week after we spent Easter day with her and her family, Parker asked to go every day. One morning he asked on the way to school. "Let's go to Meema's house", he said. "Neema is at school." I told him (she is a Teacher.) For weeks Parker repeated that conversation over and over and over. And every single time it made me laugh. But when we did it with snap chat filters I lost it. I was sitting on the ground with Parker, literally hunched over in pain I was laughing so hard. Man, I love laughing like that. It's so happy, that it almost makes me cry that it doesn't happen more often

When was the last time you really felt hopeless and cried? Mine was for this girl, Belle.

Belle is 10- wait- maybe 11 years old. And a few weeks ago she had a little lump on her neck. A few days later the little lump turned big. The Vet thought it was an infected salivary gland. After a week of antibiotics, it was only a little smaller. So we had it surgically removed- you can see her gnarly scar in the picture. Doc said there were no mast cells present when she did a needle aspiration so we weren't concerned. The labs came back that it was Mast Cell Cancer. Michael and I were a wreck. We laid on the floor with Belle and pet her while we sobbed. Her little baby life flashed before my eyes. 

She's been here. Always. Before we had human kids.

Bitty Grey, Belle and Jack. 

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The Vet said that the tumor had clean margins, and they think they got it all. For right now, time will tell. I can't imagine a world without Belle in it, so I don't. 
What do you dream about doing? Are you doing it? Toe by toe or inch by inch?

Sometimes life can feel so shallow end of the pool and my brain can feel like the depths of the deepest part of the ocean. What we think about is also what makes us. Makes us happy, or passionate, or follow or dreams or love others or be alive. 

I'm all for talking about Amazon Prime or my favorite color of nail polish (Orly- Light as a Feather!) But sometimes, I just want to connect to another's soul.

(The End)



  1. Hi.

    I want to know what makes you feel alive? A beautiful day, with a bright blue sky and shining sun always makes me feel alive (I am thankful to live in Austin where we have quite a few of those days).

    What are you passionate about? I am passionate about my empathy for people. (I yearn to turn that empathy into something more tangible. One day).

    What keeps you awake at night? Worry and fear (usually about death/disease/dying) keep me awake. It's such a waste - but it is true. And lately, MONEY.

    What do you struggle with most? These days, I struggle with my mid-life crisis.

    How do you take your coffee? No coffee, just green tea, plain.

    What's your favorite cereal? I'm not a huge cereal person, but I like Kashi cinnammon hearts.

    Non chocolate candy? Oh, now you're talking. I endured/enjoyed a lifelong sugar addiction, mostly to non-chocolate candy, until I developed a terrible rheumatoid arthritis flare. Some of my favorites? Giant Smarties, Sweet Tarts, Sprees, Spearmint Leaves (I am dating myself with that one, LOL).

    What brings you joy? Real, filterless joy. Stability, tranquility, and any kind of good news!

    And the last time I laughed until I cried was a few months ago. There was a short video that was floating around Facebook. That 2 minute video provided me with WEEKS of belly-aching laughter and eyes filled with tears. It shouldn't have, really, but for whatever reason, it was the funniest thing in the world to me (especially after reading people's comments).

    I'm so sorry about your Belle. I can totally relate. I had my first adult-owned dog (named Peace) for 15 1/2 years. 2 years ago we finally got another dog and I think my entire family would die if something happens to Bear. I am claiming many more years for Belle, many more!


  2. You and I are kindred spirits, I think. I tread deeply too. I have no time for surface stuff. It bores me and more often than not, it makes me angry. Thank you for sharing your depth. I feel less alone!

    I want to know what makes you feel alive? The beach. Being in love.
    What are you passionate about? Learning about myself. Learning about others. What makes us all tick. How to improve myself. Becoming the woman I am meant to be.
    What keeps you awake at night? My 5 mo old! :)
    What do you struggle with most? Loneliness, fear
    How do you take your coffee? With a dash of caramel almond milk creamer
    What's your favorite cereal? corn flakes, no sugar added
    Non chocolate candy? Nerds
    What brings you joy? Real, filterless joy. It's hard to remember today... but my daughters. Being in nature, especially near water.
    When was the last time you laughed? Like hold your stomach, don’t make a sound laugh? This morning. I had used the bathroom and was crawling back into bed, when my 6 y/o appeared behind me out of nowhere and scared me so bad I screamed and fell on the bed. I have never sounded like such an old lady before! We laughed so hard we cried.
    When was the last time you really felt hopeless and cried? Last night. Mourning the loss of the love of my life. We ended our relationship last week even though I still very much love him. It's time to move on. When love is still present, it's hard to know how. It's hard to imagine my life without him, and I don't want to... but, he's ready to move on.
    What do you dream about doing? Are you doing it? I dream about being brave enough to live the life I dream of. No, I'm not living the life I dream, not by a long shot. But the dream is there...

  3. Prayers for your sweet Belle!