Thursday, January 3, 2019

Jack


I hate writing this post. If I write it, it’s real and Jack not being here can’t be real. It must be a bad dream that I will wake up from soon. 

The contractions were coming closer and closer as the pain increased in intensity. I desperately needed to think about something else as I waited for my epidural. “Tell me the story about the day we got Jack”, I asked Michael. It was the best day, and it was exactly what I needed to take my mind somewhere far away. He is my person, Jack the dog. One of the few who made me feel understood. The smell of his fur is an instant decrease in my blood pressure. 

But now he is gone.



We brought him home to our new condo in Hermosa Beach, California almost 12 years ago. I insisted we crate train him, that is, until I heard him cry in the middle of that first night. From that moment on, he was in our bed and in our hearts. He slept curled against me at night. He knew I was pregnant with Greyson before I did. Suddenly he followed me everywhere- even scratching on the bathroom door when I was inside. What is up with Jack? I wondered. One positive pregnancy test later and it all made sense. 

Through moves and the birth of two little boys, he’s been there all along as my husband and I grew up. Jack always knew he was my first born baby born.

Yesterday we had to say goodbye to Jack. And I’m terrified to live in a world without him. My chest physically hurts with each breath in, after watching him take his last. He had a severe bacterial infection in his blood called Sepsis. They couldn't find the infection's origin and would have needed invasive surgery to even attempt to find it. Surgery that they didn't think this sweet old boy could survive.  One day he seemed fine, and the next he was throwing up, had a slight tremor and was unusually warm to the touch. It was so hard for him to breathe and he was in so much pain. Michael called me from the vet with the news.

WHAT?! NO! 

I was in disbelief. He was supposed to go to the Vet, get medicine and come back home. That’s what always happens and this time should be no different. But Jack was never coming home. 

I loaded the boys in the car and we drove to the vet to say our very last goodbye. We walked into the small sterile room. Jack was on heavy pain medication and wasn’t very responsive. His eyes were open, so I got down to talk to him. I climbed onto the small metal table and placed him in between my legs as I stroked his fur and told him what a good dog he is.  I told him how special he is, and how sorry I am that he is in pain. I thanked him for loving our family. I thanked him for loving me. What a gift it was.

Baby Grey, Jack and me. Jack slept by my side. Sometimes there was a newborn baby between us. 




When we would go to the dog park, he would run so fast in circles around the park as soon as we got there. It always looked like he was smiling.








He put up with all my antics.

He loved to find a sunny patch and just lie down for awhile.


The Vet asked us to let her know when we were ready. Are you ever ready to put poison in your dog and hold them as they die? 

“They want to know if we want his paw print and his ashes,” Michael told me. “NO!” I whispered angrily. “I don’t want those things, I want my dog.” I cried. I just want my dog...

Each breath of Jack’s took so much energy. It was time. The vet poked her head back in and I solemnly nodded. She came back with syringes to use on the port he already had in his paw. The vet explained that they would first give Jack a sedative. And the last syringe was the end. I held Jack's head and he body was cradled in between my legs. Michael and I held hands. I wanted to start screaming and never stop. The Vet used her stethoscope to check his heart, and then tried to close his eyes. I knew he was gone. 

Those 12 years were over so fast. 

The boys said goodbye to Jack. They are more intuitive than we could ever imagine, but life and death are very complicated, not-concrete terms, and I don’t really know how much they understand. I’m in my 40’s and I still don’t understand. 

A video Parker made a few weeks ago.


JACK!!! JACK!!! JACK!!!.... I went outside this morning and yelled his name over and over again in agony. I sat down on the frosty sidewalk and welcomed the numbness of the cold. I just want him back. I can’t sleep without him. How will I advocate without him? Every rough meeting ended with me snuggling with Jack at home. How will I homeschool without him? He laid at our feet. He was my home. He is my heart.

Everything good in life has a cost, and the cost of love is intense pain and loss. We must still love though. Jack's love was always without conditions. In many ways, he taught us how to love, simply by the way he loved us. So for now I will figure out how to live with a Jack shaped hole in my life and remember that this pain is so big because our love was even more grande.

32 comments:

  1. I wish we were close enough that I could hug you and cry with you. Know that he KNEW you loved him and he loved you in return. Hugs to you Chrissy and family.

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  2. So sorry about your beloved Jack. This poem helped me when I lost my wonderful dog. A Pet's Peace- "I have left you now, but please don't be sad. You gave me all the love you had..."

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  3. Jack was such a character! What a personality. So sorry for your loss. He was truly loved.

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    Make Haste To Call or WhatsApp Dr Obodubu Monday +2349058774809. Or Mail Him to
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    Get Solution To All Your Predicament.
    Email: babadoctorobodubuspiritualhome@gmail.com

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  17. HOW I GOT CURED FROM CANCER,I was diagnosed of Cancer and i have tried all i can to get cured but all to no avail,until i saw a post in a health forum about a herbalist man who prepare herbal medication to cure all kind of diseases including Cancer, at first i doubted if it is real but i decided to give it a try,when i contacted DR Goodwin and he prepared a cancer herbal cure and sent it to me via Ups delivery company service,when i received this herbal medicine,he directed me on how to take the medicine,after taking it the way he instructed me to,i was totally cured of the deadly disease called cancer,all thanks to DR Goodwin, please you can get him contacted on his whatsapp or call on +2348054615060 OR email drgodwinsolutionhome@gmail.com He can also cure following virus (1).Herpes (2).Cancer (3).Hepatitis (4).Hiv/aids (5).Pcos (6).Fibroid (7).Hpv (8).Diabetes https://www.facebook.com/105850224453613/posts/157679189270716/?app=fbl https://drgodwinsolutionho.wixsite.com/drgod

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  18. I Want To Appreciate Dr.godwin for hs great deeds, I Was Diagnosed With type 2 Herpes Virus Last year,And Was Look For Solution To Be Cured Luckily I Saw Testimonies On How Dr.godwin Cure Herpes Virus I Decided To Contact Dr.godwin I Contacted Him He Prepared A Herbal Medicine Portion And Sent It To Me,I Started The Herbal Medicine For My Health.He Gave Me Step By Step Instructions On How To Apply It, When I Applied It As Instructed, I Was Cured Of This Deadly Herpes Within 2 weeks, I Am Now Herpes Negative.My Brother And Sister I No That There Are So Many People That Have There Same Herpes Virus Please contact Dr Goodwin To Help You Too,And Help Me To Thank Dr. GODWIN For Cure Me, I’m Cured By Dr. Godwin Herbal Medicine,His Contact Email: drgodwinsolutionhome@gmail.comOr Cell Whatsapp Number +2348054615060 thank you .....https://drgodwinsolutionho.wixsite.com/drgodwinsolutionhome

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  19. Greetings to you all, am so much appreciating God almighty for using Dr Ajayi the herbal medication Doctor to cured me from 4 years herpes, while this may sound discouraging and people may not believe that herpes have a cure, i have been to so many places for help including hospitals wasted money and times hoping that i was going to get cured but nor was able, until God use someone to cure me from this virus, true the help of a man called Dr Ajayi, with his herbal medicine which I took. Well I don’t have much to say, I am so much happy for his good work in my life because I never thought I would have good health again, thank you so much Dr Ajayi. You can also contact Dr Ajayi for help via email ajayiherbalhome@gmail.com you can also call or add him on whatsapp through his mobile number +2348154724883. He also has the cure to the following diseases and many more...HIV/Aids cure,Hepatitis B cure,Brainstorm cure.Cancer cure,Lupus cure,he also have powers to bring your Ex back with a spell carter,

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  20. My health was horrible before I decided to try the Protocol Of taking Dr
    Omola herbal mixture. I felt there was no hope for my health and I was to
    try the Protocol thinking it wouldn’t work because I have visited so many
    hospitals but had the same result. However, I was convinced by my friend to
    try the herbal medicine because I wanted to get rid of Herpes. The herbal
    mixture that was given to me was really quick and easy to take, and since I
    have been taking it for less than 5 days I have less of an outbreak. But
    within 2 week i was fully cured from Herpes. The herbal medicine really
    work and I will like to share this great herb doctor contact with you all
    email him dr.omolaherbalhome@gmail.com or
    Whats App +2348118116254

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  21. Dr Ishiaku herbal medicine is mighty and genuine,I use to use Mellisa oil and Lavender Healing herbs but result were just still the same.But using Doctor Ishiaku herbal medicine cured my herpes final and I have being living for 2 years now No Sores.My herpes is truely gone.Contact him if you interested of his herbal medicine too Dr Ishiaku can as well cure the following....HIV...HERPES,,COPD..FIBROID..ASTHMA..DIABETES..SICKLE CELL...ALS..EPILEPSY,,HEPATTITIS...CANCER...LOVE SPELL ...ishiakuherbalcure@gmail.com Or Whats-app Number On +2348180828544  

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  22. Happiness is all i see now I never thought that I will be cured from HERPES virus again. I have been suffering from a deadly disease (HERPES) for the past 3 years now, I had spent a lot of money going from one places to another, from churches to churches, hospitals have been my home every day residence. Constant checks up have been my hobby not until this faithful day, I was searching through the internet, I saw a testimony on how DR agaba helped someone in curing his HERPES disease, quickly I copied his email which is Dragabasolutionhome@gmail.com just to give him a test I spoke to him, he asked me to do some certain things which I did, he told me that he is going to provide the herbal cure to me, which he did, then he asked me to go for medical checkup after some days after using the herbal cure, behold I was free from the deadly disease, he only asked me to post the testimony through the whole world, faithfully am doing it now, please brothers and sisters, he is great, I owe him in return. if you are having a similar problem just email him on : Dragabasolutionhome@gmail.com or WhatApp: +2349074536486  

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