Tuesday, June 11, 2019

life is good

I am a little lost. 

And when I am lost, I often hide. Writing is a way to help me figure things out, to help me be found. My internal GPS. So, I hide from writing too. I don't realize it, until I realize it. So here I am. 

I have no plan now, but to unwind with words. To pull out the things I have been stuffing down. 

Transitions. They jolt me completely.  Way before autism was part of our family DNA. I hate it when people blame their own shit on their kid’s autism. Nope- you were uptight way before autism, Susan, let's be honest.  

Even good transitions, like crashing into summer. What will we do? Not in a bucket list sort of way, (I hate those by the way. I don’t need another list, or another reason to feel inadequate.) I mean what will we do on a Thursday at 11am when the week feels like it’s lasting forever and Parker has already lit something on fire and found all the knives and the one hidden sharpie and I just don’t know how I can fill the emptiness of the next 40 years.

The good news is, it just takes us all a week of dipping our toe into the new schedule before it doesn't feel so scary.

So, my dad is still dead. A fact that still shocks me most days. If I refuse to believe it to be true, perhaps it won’t be? I hate that it still genuinely surprises me when I allow my mind to linger there. I will hate when it doesn’t shock me anymore, because that will mean it's real. 

2019 has not been my friend. Jack my dog died. And Belle 5 days later. And then my dad, after a horrible extended stay at a horrible place. There was negligence, there is a lawsuit. I ask God- how do I process this information? Where do I put it? Why are elders and special needs children targets for some people who just don’t care? I remind myself that there are also people in these fields that are angels and making magic too. But right now- the ghosts of the evil ones linger because of what I have seen. That kind of evil is hard to process.

Parker is so so happy to be "all done school", and I am too. We need to detox from that joint for a couple of months. Grey will probably be going back to school with Parker in August. Even the transition into making that happen has been difficult. I try to put that worry in a box, and wait until August to open it. It shouldn't be this hard, I find myself thinking on a loop, over and over again.

I bring my mind back to the now. The boys are in Behavior Therapy. Oliver, one of our two new beautiful babies is sleeping by my side. 

I never officially introduced them here. 


 This is Oliver. 



And this is Lucy. 

It's scary to love this much. But love is always worth it. Always.

My current television obsession, "How to Get Away with Murder" is on Netflix in the background. Today is good. Life is good. Thank you for reminding me of that.

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