I've always envied those gals that have a bad day and can toss back a glass of wine that night and just relax --take the edge off. If I have a bad day and drink a glass of wine...Whoa...stand back...I would then think- I feel GREAT! I am so much better with a glass of wine in me! Why don't I do this more often? And THEN I would start to think, I will be even better with TWO glasses of wine! And the next thing you know I'm crying, cutting bangs on Jack the dog, and prank calling the local Home Depot in my kitchen. And not to MENTION- the two small people that live in my house don't care to sleep in or be quiet the next morning because puffy faced Mommy needs to "rest her eyes" a little longer.
Where was I? Somewhere far out on a tangant apparently... Earlier tonight I was thinking- I don't have anything I want to write about tonight, and this past week it's been tough to find the right- oh- what do you calls those things? Little letters stuck together...WORDS! Yes, words. My funk has me in what feels like creative funk.... so I was going to give myself permission to not write... (I usually write about 4-5 posts a week and take the weekends off. I don't have a contract or anything--yes, that's a joke- but I am OCD, and once I start doing something a certain way, I don't often deviate. )
It was so hard to leave the kids with a sitter tonight, but man did I need it. (For those of you who just joined this little episode- my husband frequently travels for work and when he does I try to book a sitter for a couple of hours each night he is gone. I HIGHLY recommend it!)
It took me an hour to even leave the house- so I didn't have too much alone time but it was just enough time to help (random note; why do I clean for the sitter? It's like cleaning for the cleaning lady, but even more odd). I always convince myself the whole house will shut down and explode if I'm not there. It hasn't yet. Tonight, I went to the woods to live deliberately like Thoreau- the great American philosopher. He wanted to immerse himself in nature in order to gain a more objective understanding of society through personal introspection. I wanted to do something similar, but a little less fancy. I wanted to quiet down the clutter in my mind. I wanted to connect with the outside.
I went to Woodward Park.
It was practically deserted except for flying and scurrying animals, rain drops, and a couple of other runners. I went and sat on my thinking rock. I've never sat there before, but as I approached it I decided that it looked like a thinking rock I would have if I had a thinking rock.
I poured my soul into my thoughts tonight... I wanted to remember what is most important to me in the World. Of course it is love and my family and my babies....but I wanted to feel that and mean it and remember it. I thought about every one of you that have been there for us in the flesh, or has written me sweet words...I thought about every one of you that has prayed for us...I swear I could practically see you surrounding the perimeter of the water. I felt gratitude. In this crazy World of Facebook and Twitter and Pinterest..competing timelines, status updates..sometimes it is hard to remember what is real..what is important...it is hard to focus on just one thing. It is hard to always carry through with your intentions, to cut yourself some slack. To love the person in the mirror. Some days I wish I didn't think so damned much, but tonight, I didn't mind.
Have you heard the saying, "The best gift a man can give his children is to love their Mother?"
Well, I say...
"The best gift a Mother (or Father) can give her children is to love herself."
Man oh man oh man- some days that's hard. Let's work on loving ourselves-- every day...and not just saying it, but meaning it. Show people the real you. It's not easy to say, "Here is the real me. I hope you still love the flawed and real me".
Treat yourself the way you want the World to treat your babies, with a kind and open, forgiving heart.
Today while I sat on my thinking rock, I thought about the day. One of Grey's programs during his daily behavior therapy is working to help him put on his shirt. We do it 3 times in a row a couple of times a day. We are working towards him doing independently (without any assistance from me). He is almost there but not quite. In order to keep him motivated, I reinforce him with a toy, or if I really want him to work- Dairy-fee chocolate. At the end of the 3rd try, he gets his prize.
Here he was on his first try this morning. His shirt got stuck on his head in this awesome ET phone home look...and I so wanted to help him, but I can't because I want him to make it to independent...and while I was on the floor laughing, he slowly slid over to the chocolate, and grabbed it. I didn't have the heart to make him do 2 more before eating his prize- he earned it. He teaches me to "keep your eyes on the prize, even when you're stuck."
I thought about this...
My boys at lunch. Like many Spectrum kids, Greyson is more interested in objects than he is in people. He doesn't interact much with Parker. Lately though, he has been awakening in little ways to his precious baby brother... hugging him, grabbing his feet...noticing his fuzzy blond hair, and that makes me so happy. One day they will be best friends, I tell myself.
I don't mind sharing details of my imperfect life with you. I'd rather have real and honest relationships... or none at all.
Check out this room...do you have a place like this in your home?
It started out, "I'm going to put this in here for just a little bit until I can figure out where it should go permanantly"... it started out with Parker's mini crib...then our 2U stuff (preschool at our house), some of my photography equipment...and then just more and more crap.
That's why I didn't mind writing tonight...putting together these cute little letters to form these words. I had clutter that needed to find a permanant home inside my brain....I didn't want it to accumulate...
I think it's important that we all make time to clean out the clutter in our mind.
Thank you for reading this blog, and thank you for sharing my words. You make me remember how much I love to write...how much I love people that are good and kind and caring. You are helping me change the way the World views different and that is the best part of it all.