Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Die to the past

Monday I asked Teacher Amy, "Have you ever taught a kiddo that was like Greyson and now he just totally talks? Like talk-talks? Like "Mom! I'm home!" talks?" She said "Yes, absolutely" and went back to what she does best- speech therapying....and I interuppted her session again and I said, "It just takes a reallllyyyy long time-huh?" and she smiled and said "yes."


I know we communicate without words- me and the G-man. I know he knows I love him, and I know he loves me. He has made so many amazing strides in the past 6 months (we started Early Intervention 8 months ago- but the first 2 months weren't very "strideful" so to speak)....and every time he surprises me with new words or being more aware of his surroundings--it just makes me want more. I know I am one of the lucky ones. Based on G's current abilities- I've been told he will talk. I try to remain patient and believe. It's just that I want to talk to him! Ask him what's going on up there in that sweet little brain of his.

I rarely rarely allow myself to go there, but every so often I do....I know I shouldn't do it....but there's no use in telling me that....Sometimes I imagine him talking to me....talking to me in that cute and adorable way that 2-3 years olds do. He would say such funny things to me- I just know he would. I imagine him bursting into my room too early in the morning yelling, "Mom! Wake up! Can we have pancakes?"...and I would be so annoyed because I am not a morning person. At night we would talk about our favorite part of the day. He would tell me how crazy it was that we saw a horse on the trail at Woodward, and I would have forgotten all about it until he mentioned it. I would read him a book, and he would actually sit still and he would listen to my every word and watch my eyes with delight. He would tell me "I love you, Mom" and I would tuck him in and I would turn out the light.

I will have that...I don't believe it all the time...but for today at least, I must believe.

Man, yesterday kicked me in the ass. Not gonna lie.

Mama said there'll be days like this...there'll be be days like this Mama said.

It was the perfect storm of single parenting (those of you that are a single parent full time- I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT!!!!), the end of Spring Break and being a "normal" Momma who didn't have to rush from thing to thing and work so hard, a lack of sleep- (since Bitty P's teeth have been coming in he has been waking 2-3 sometimes 4 times a night for the past couple of weeks...I usually get him and soothe him- and when I don't get him, I might as well because I just end up glued to the monitor, watching him feeling horrible and guilty!) and BOOM. So stinking sad. I wanted a rent a grandma to come over and make me bread or a Manhattan or something.

I heard from many of you- you too have days like this. Thank you for telling me that!

Greyson says, 'You think you had a bad day, Mom. I'm the one who had to do ABA therapy all day. Get over yourself woman!"

I almost feel bad that I am glad that you feel bad and have bad days too! You have bad days too! Why is that so hard for me to remember that? DUH. At these times I seriously think that I am the only one...The only one who feels like they just can't cut it. I don't think--Oh, I having a bad day today. I think, My life is so hard and so horrible!!! I think that I am a sucky Mom...and an unhappy person who can't get anything right... I let that thinking spiral.

Know why I always write- Whatever you are looking for, you will find...Look for good stuff? Because I know- When you look for bad stuff- YOU WILL FIND THAT TOO! So don't look for it, just STOP it! (I'm not yelling at you, I'm yelling at me- unless you need to hear it too!)

But now I have stepped away from my bad day. I am even smiling at it. (It's actually a smirk, but it will have to do.) The Book, "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle says, "Die to the past every moment. You don't need it. Only refer to it when it is absolutely relevant to the present. Feel the power of this moment and the fullness of Being. Feel your presence." And so I will do that. (For the record, it's only an OK book in my part-ahhhh- I really like how that sounds in my soul - and one part- Smoke another one dude).

He is not at all caught up in the past....his car doesn't even have rear-view mirrors.

Here he was 2 years ago in that very same car. He got pulled over for speeding on the Pier in Hermosa Beach.

Yesterday is over, it has died away. I'm going to focus on being in the present all day long today.
Let's both make it a good day, friend.


  1. Oh, how I needed to hear that, friend! It has been a ROUGH couple of days and this morning brought more that was pulling me down the spiral. Thank you. I want to leave it behind and move on to a happier rest of the day.

  2. I second that April! This has been a tough week...and it's only Wednesday! Chrissy...I dream of Gavin's voice as well. I imagine all the funny things he would say. I admit...I sometimes get jealous when I see the ease some parents have with their kids. I hear some complain that their kid did this or that and I think...HEY! ATLEAST YOUR KID CAN TALK TO YOU!! It's such a tough thing to keep the faith sometimes. Just know you are NOT alone! I pray for you daily as I know first hand that the road you are walking is not an easy one. Hugs to you!!

    1. Thank you so much -both of you for writing! It's so funny- today someone wrote to me- "I'm so glad you are having a better day today". and I thought- It's better, but it is still a CRAPPY day:-) (The smiley face makes it better- right?) April- when you are used to focusing on the positive and happy- it almost feels like you aren't "allowed" to also be crabby and angry and sad.
      WE'VE EARNED our SAD/Mad/angry etc days. I don't want to have them- but when I am- I need to allow myself to feel... you too!!!
      Bridget- Of course you are human and it's only natural to see how "easy" it is for some parents. I'm sure if I had it "easy" I would still think it was so tough!!! We just know extra tough!!! I am here for you too friend. I will remember you when I feel alone. Thank you both so much for writing!