The reason? Little aspects of life getting me down....same stuff, different week. Details, not important. Same stuff everyone goes through...some combination of happy, sad, family, relationships, money, stress, mom'ing, attitude, people, life, bills... Most days I feel strong and can handle any combination of those things.
But not every day.
Dad had to go again. That makes it tough.
I need to find my inner Bitch.
Sorry, I don't usually curse on here... but I had to today. No other word would have cut it. I couldn't use Diva. When I hear Diva I think of Patty LaBelle, and I can't sing worth a damn, so I know I don't need to find my inner Patty LaBelle.
I need to find my inner Bitch. The girl who can handle it all, the one who doesn't let petty stuff get her down. The one who doesn't feel sorry for herself.
Belle has absolutely no problem finding her inner Bitch. Ever.
I remind myself I am here on Earth to learn. I don't have all the answers and that is OK. I am not in charge and in control of everything-- even when it feels like I have to be. I must be open to the lessons of life. Sometimes they hurt. I still must be open to them.
Sometimes it's best to just let go-resist nothing, I whisper.
This picture has nothing to do with anything right now, but I like it. It makes me smile. I call it Grey's carwash hair. Shake shake shake.
I hate conflict. I want to make people happy. I wish reason and niceness worked for every situation and every person- but it doesn't. Some people don't operate on nice. Some people aren't real and raw. I am learning to be tough in those situations.
Sometimes I think I feel too much. I get my feelings hurt too easily. That makes me feel weak-not just feeling that way, but putting it into words and putting it out here. But not saying it feels like a lie, and so I type the words I hate to read. I'd love to say, "I really don't give a crap what people think of me." But that wouldn't be true. And that is why I am searching for my inner Bitch- I know she will help me.
Here are some fun pictures from our Spring Break...
We found a construction lot right by our house and it was Grey's idea of Disney Land...
Afternoon baths for no reason, except we could.
Playing with Parker On purpose. Sometimes I feel like Parker gets lost in the shuffle. I "plug him in"... Into the TV, into his jumpy, on the ground while I do other things. We played together on purpose and man did that make me happy. My heart.
Just for today...I don't want to be the adult. I want someone else to tell me what to do, what to wear, what to eat and how to feel. I'll be the Mom again tomorrow.
So I am done with this monologue. And soon, hopefully sometime today, I will be done feeling blah blah blah rah grrr.
Happy 11th Birthday to my beautiful and amazing nephew, Turtle head. I love you!
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