I Want Happy

I'm pretty skilled at understanding Greyson talk. I actually think it's pretty easy to understand- and I didn't even think twice about it...until we did an Autism assessment at the school district level (they needed to get an idea of what his capabilities were so they knew best how to place him in a classroom appropriate for his needs).

The speech portion of the report stated..
Greyson's speech intelligibility was understood with moderate to severe difficulty....
And when citing specific instances of his communication said things like, Greyson gave a verbal approximation of 'I want door open'...
Verbal approximation? Are you kidding me? I clearly heard the actual words, I. WANT. DOOR. OPEN....Isn't that what everyone else hears?

Apparently not...

And one day a few weeks ago as I was listening to Greyson during Speech I realized...I am fluent in Greyson...and if you haven't taken courses in it- you probably can't understand what he is saying...only Michael and I can...and Teacher Amy...and some of the teachers who come to the house daily and have been schooled in Greyson speak.

Greyson's speech Goddess-Teacher Amy said it's still too soon to tell...But Greyson could have dyspraxia of speech, which is a developmental disability characterized by difficulty in muscle control, specifically of the muscles involved in producing speech- which can be common in Spectrum Kids. We are not sure if the brain isn't talking to the mouth muscles correctly- telling them what they need to do...or maybe the mouth muscles hear the message coming from the brain- but don't know how to put that into action.

Do you know how some people slur their speech after a stroke? Although the why is different- (stroke VS Autism), the what is similar (hard to understand speech. Poor articulation). And right now as I was looking through the speech portion of the report- thinking that I'm just writing and it's all business in my brain...suddenly I start to cry...tears on my cheeks and on my keyboard... because sometimes when you read a 24 page report of your son's uphill battle it feels like too much..Too much for him...too big of a To Do list for a 3 year old...And I want to stay up all night for as many nights as it takes and do it for him. I want to do his Science Project...his Book Report.... I wish I could do it all for him.
I am a Momma and it is my job to make his life extraordinary...and sometimes...since I can't always make it easier...I feel like a big fat failure...like I am letting him down.

Despite Grey's articulation issues, for the past week he has been saying a sentence with absolute clarity...

I want happy...

Michael said to me- What is happy? What does he want?

And though I usually translate...I am at a loss.

So each day when he tells me - I want happy...a few times throughout the day....I try to figure out what Greyson's happy is... And I don't know, so I ask him questions he might be able to answer...

Greyson, what color is happy?

Greyson, Can you point to happy?

Greyson, Where is happy? Show me. Take me to happy.




And so far I haven't gotten any answers and I haven't been able to figure it out. And it got me thinking...how many of us are also looking for our happy...Trying to figure out what it looks like...sounds like... feels like as we swish it around in our soul.





My diapering which frequently includes an unintentional one cheek wedgie makes me happy...


Coffee delivery from a friend today made me very happy! You know who you are!


And lunch from a new friend I am proud to call friend and her itty bitties made me so happy. Thank you Amy!

Some people like to drink their happy... (look hard-it's there!)

Searching for happy...Such a Typical thing...

My poor Parker...he doesn't know what he did to deserve this pain associated with teething.





I wore Parker this morning because he wouldn't stop crying unless I was holding him.

I felt so bad for him...I held him, cuddled him...Tried to soothe him as best as I could...

When I would put him down he would search me out and chase me down.


By the end of the night I was trying to hide... avoiding eye contact with Parker. Yelling at Michael, Don't let him see me!!! Help me! Mommy needs a break! 


__________________________________

I lived in Santa Monica for about 5 years after I moved to California.
I wanted to take a friend out for a very special birthday to a restaurant I heard about through word of mouth called The Buffalo Club. 

I drove by where I heard it was, and saw nothing...I called information.. nothing.... Their shtick was no advertising... exclusivity...At the time there was not even a sign out front...I finally got their number from a write up in a food magazine and made a reservation... and when I got there...they were packed...


 They are a little more mainstream now...

So, until our Life with Greyson stickers get a little more branding..They are like The Buffalo Club was many years ago...Exclusive...Mysterious...beckoning people to come inside... And I think that's kind of cool.

I'm still thinking of a tag line. I don't want it to be anything to do with Autism- because I want all sorts of people to read it...not just folks affected by Autism....and if I didn't have a child with Autism I wouldn't think I had any need for a blog that I assumed was only about Autism....not knowing it was actually a blog trying to change the World...



Will you please help me share Awareness for Autism by sharing these stickers. I'd love to send you some. I can't do Grey's Book Report or sciene project, - but I can change the World for him....with your help...

Have a wonderful weekend. 

A Day in the Life

This morning I set out to enjoy the small things...because words like enjoy and morning do not play together well in my brain...It takes me many milligrams of caffeine to get my wheels greased.

I don't do well with a diet of restriction...removing "bad" like caffeine is not in the cards for me...but I don't mind adding a little bit of goodness to counteract the bad.


Grey HATES vegetables, but he loves this morning smoothie. Today I made one for myself too, {because I'm awesome}. I am not a crunchy granola gal, but this I absolutely LOVE.



I don't know how, but you can't even taste the spinach at all.



This morning I washed the same load of the boys laundry...


For the 3rd time in a row...because I kept forgetting to put it in the dryer...first overnight - then hours at a time... and I didn't want it to have that funky towel smell...that it now has... oops.

The more times I visit Spectrumville, the more I realize just how vast the Spectrum is.

Autism is a "spectrum disorder," meaning you can be a little bit autistic or very autistic. The diagnoses within the autism spectrum aren't clearly named, nor are the symptoms always the same even within the same diagnosis.  Terms like "severe autism," "mild autism" and "high functioning autism" aren't true diagnoses -- just informal, descriptive terms used to better understand a child's status on the autism spectrum. Spectrum kids can be quiet or chatty, affectionate or cold...rigid in routine or flexible...Confusing- right? (If you want to know specifics of an Autism diagnosis, go to the Autism Resources tab at the top).

Savantism is a rare condition in which people with developmental delays of the brain demonstrate profound capabilities or abilities in a given field. (Like Rain Man). Not all Spectrum kids have those kinds of special talents- in fact it's pretty rare. Statistics show that 10% of individuals on the Autism Spectrum also have savant-like skills. Greyson does not have Savantism. Michael and I get asked if Grey has any "special talents" every so often... We are still trying to come up with the funnest possible answer at the time of this publication. (Getting asked this doesn't bother me at all. The movie Rain Man gave many people the impression that it was common.)

Today was Trash Wednesday. In case you are new to this blog- If Greyson hears the trash truck driving up and down our street and can tell me or his Behavior Teacher here at the time (without us prompting him) - I want truck  or  Open Door- We drop everything and run like mad to catch the truck. If he cries/whines or points to the door- it's no good, even though it breaks my heart a little.
I need spontaneous words.


Today he heard/processed and asked for it, not once but twice. It was a good day.

We worked on Greyson putting his shirt on independently. We have been doing this for months and every week or so we get a step closer. Man does ABA (Grey's therapy Applied Behavior Analysis) teach me some much cherished patience.

We also brushed his teeth. He has to turn on the water and squeeze the paste out on his own. I still have to help with the brushing for now.


While Parker was napping and Grey was running programs with his Teacher...I took 17 heavenly minutes to just lay back down in bed. I knew I had that much time before I needed to shower during my short window of alone time.




Someone woke up before I could shower.



I let Parker catch up on the blog while I took the fastest shower ever.


And came out to find this going on...


Bed-headed baby goodness is my favorite.

This evening we enjoyed Oranges so ripe and orangey that juice runs down your arms...


And we watched a little of this...


Something about watching these kids swim puts a feel good lump in my throat. I'm so proud to be an American watching the Olympic Hopefuls. I love their stories. I admire how hard they work...how much they give up... Reminds me of a little guy I know...




Hey, while you're here... Can you help me spread Autism Awareness where you live?  Send me an email asking for some stickers to kellyc43@gmail.com. It means more to me than these little letters stuck together can convey. And if you've already asked for stickers...Wow...and thank you.

Have a great day.
Love,
Chrissy

Because I'm Awesome

So often we find excuses to belittle ourselves...to apologize...
Sorry I didn't {write}{call}{text} sooner...
Sorry I'm running late. Sorry I couldn't make it to your party. Sorry I didn't clean before you got here. Sorry I didn't get a chance to go to the store. Sorry I look like such a wreck.
Sorry,
Sorry,
Sorry,
Sorry...

I think we need to practice saying something else with equal frequency...

Awesome...

More specifically..Because I'm awesome...

Slap it at the end of a sentence or make it its own sentence...Put it where it makes sense and even where it doesn't...use it when you hear a compliment that you usually deflect.

        Your hair looks great! Did you do something different?
        Yes, I washed it...and I brushed it...on the same day... Because I'm awesome.

        Mom- what's for dinner tonight?
        Leftovers...Because I'm awesome...

I'm running late...because I couldn't get my shit together...Because I'm awesome.

That's a much better script to be running through your head than I'm sorry.

--------------------------------------------------

Today I decided...if I must worry...I will worry about today... I'm tired of worrying about stuff in the future. It's getting too much air time on the radio in my head.

I can worry about today.
NOT the past...
NOT the future...
Only today.
And guess what?
Today is perfect... So I guess I don't have much to worry about.
Crazy...that's gonna free up a lot of time for other things...
And man oh man is that hard for me...but I'm gonna try...
Because I'm awesome.



Tonight as I rocked with Greyson before bed he told me,

I want bed...I want Mom...I want stars...

Which meant he wanted to lay in his bed with me and look at the stars projected onto his ceiling...How could I deny such a request? I grabbed his sweet face and gave him a kiss... His words never fail to bring me bliss...I could have laid there for hours... it was so relaxing...the lights and stars subtly changing colors...fading and reappearing...my mind got lost in not thinking...and just watching...

Last time Michael was out of town I had Greyson sleep in my bed. I was so excited to snuggle with him (and by snuggle I apparently meant getting kicked in the head, stomach and face by the sideways lying boy on my bed)... I learned the hard way I need sleep more than those kind of snuggles...but I'm glad I tried...



Saw these funny yahoos on TV this morning...

Do they seriously get paid real cash money to sit around and talk?...and drink booze? and eat? in the morning? Wow...sign me up. I'm pretty sure I'm less intolerable than they are too.


I decided I would try it out at about noon today... (no actual beer bottles were opened though.)


I was thrilled today to open the front door to find this...

More stickers!!! Finally!!! I needed a little shot of ummmpffffff in my day and they did the trick.

Tonight Greyson and I did an activity that I hope becomes a nightly ritual... I wish it so badly it hurts.


We walked Life with Greyson stickers to the mail box...to you awesome & incredible reader friends that have asked for them.
(Thank you to one of my favorite readers Lani for making this shell collecting bag (perfect for carrying letters too!) for the boys and for sharing this blog every day.)

As much as I hope it becomes a ritual, it's actually up to you... because it's something that this control freak can't do on her own... If you are willing to share some Life with Greyson stickers with your friends and your town, send me an email saying, I want stickers to: kellyc43@gmail.com






He loves putting them in the outgoing box.





Afterwards we played in the dirt.




Will you please paint your Town Grey with me?

Because YOU are awesome...

Love,
Chrissy

Help Me

Oh Monday.....

I tried so hard to hold a grudge against you, but I couldn't... I'm shocked...

You were just so darn adorable I couldn't help myself. I might go so far as to say I actually liked you.

We got an email from the assistant to the CEO at Native Shoes...saying they were touched by our story about how much we love these shoes...and they want to outfit our whole family with some new Natives of our choice...and even said to pick out a "few pairs" for Greyson to grow into. Wow... I mean Wow... I didn't have to look hard at all today...There was good all over.





Every day we work with Greyson to say the words, help me instead of crying out in frustration when he is in need or something isn't going his way...

It's funny because I am teaching him to ask for help...something that is very hard for me to do in the first place. Partly because I'm a control freak, and it's just easier to do things my way- exactly how I want them. As life comes continues, I am realizing that there are certain things I just can't do on my own. I am practicing saying, help me...when I need it. Just like Grey.

Like with these stickers...

Will you help me share them with the World? Even if you just take a few to keep in your wallet. You'll know when the right time to pull one out comes up.

Don't be afraid to tell the people in your life when you need help.
Asking for help doesn't mean you are weak. It may even mean you are strong...


In order to keep Greyson motivated during his daily therapy (Applied Behavior Analysis - for those of you just joining us) the therapists use Positive Reinforcers. A primary reinforcer is an object given following a wanted behavior that will increase the liklihood that he will repeat that same behavior in the future. It's my job to replace the reinfocers (special toys, food or candy) to make the Behavior Analysts job easier. The better the reinforcers, the more Grey is willing to work.

Today, I felt like getting a little creative, so I put little different reinforcers into the rooms of this house. A special key unlocks each little room.


ABA therapy is based on some pretty common sense stuff...and it works. We all work for Reinforcements.... money, cars, stuff, nice words... So does Grey and many Autistic kids.

This house is kind of like life...we all have different choices to make and we don't know what lies inside... We have to just go for it and open up the door, hoping something good is inside. I wish I could open up every door first...take a look inside...compare and weigh my options- then pick.
I was thinking if I wanted Greyson to get a realistic idea of life I should put dog poop or mean people in one of the doors...but then I thought not...I'll stick to things like Skittles...



And clothes pin dolls and army parachute guys with large machine guns...opps, that's not very PC... I guess that's why they were at the Dollar Store...I wonder what the two of them had to talk about behind Door #1.

I'll let life teach Greyson about the dog-poopy parts of life, and I'll try and just teach him about the good....and try and be there for him with support when the dog-poopy parts come up.

Greyson also got to make more fun choices today at speech...


White or Chocolate?








Keeping track of him during speech is part of my daily work out. He thinks we go there just so he can play.


It's always nice when you send me a note letting me know you understand how I feel...that you relate to me.... It's nice for all of us to know we are not alone. Today I got some truly awesome emails...they always seem to come when I need them most. Thank you!


Thank you to my 3 new Members who signed up today too! Seriously- you made my Monday even better. (I can't believe I just wrote that sentence.)

Have a great Day my Friend.

Love,
Chrissy

Water Your Happy

I accept my boys for who they are.



I love them with every fiber of my being.


I am a Mom--that's what Moms do.



I focus on the good...
When I get sad, I find places to put it--the sad that hides behind the corners. I know myself well enough to know I absolutely must actively get it out. I can't just sweep it under the bed to deal with later. When I don't get it out, I get head aches, my jaw hurts at night from clenching and it finds its own way to escape.

I can't afford to be sad, so I run it out, I talk it out, I write it out, I think it out, I shop it out, I laugh it out and I cry it out.

As I type these words, I am not sad, so it's OK with me if I write about sad. If I were sad, writing about it would give it more air time in my mind, it would then become bigger than it is. I would then be watering the sad in my garden and that would make it grow.

Don't water your sad.

I am going to write about sad, because I am real...and I want people to know just how real my real goes. I also want other Spectrum Moms to know they aren't alone- so they don't think- How does this woman have it all wrapped up pretty and never feel sad...am I doing it wrong?

Things that you would expect make me sad. It's hard for me to write about them and say them out loud  because then I feel like I am saying I am disappointed in my son, and I am not. I also hesitate to write them out because I don't want someone to judge me- or to comment on how I shouldn't be sad about this stuff..or to tell me that God has a plan for me or something... I know there are people in much worse situations than me.

I know God has a plan...sometimes I just wish he would show me a copy in advance. He could just stamp "DRAFT" on it or something.... Just a thought God, let me know...

But I have sad that needs to get out, so please just let me open this door and let a little out.

I am sad for Greyson's struggles, and for mine- if I am being honest. If you are a Typical Mom you can guess what these things are and you would be right. Things like seeing Greyson with other kids his age...having conversations with other 3 year olds and seeing them evolve and unfold... Feeling like I don't understand my son makes me sad,  hearing other parents talk about development- their kids talking and learning things so easily, hearing Mom's complain about their life -a life that I think sounds so easy makes me sad ...I am sad when Greyson is sad. And I am sad when he is happy doing something that I wish didn't make him happy....like being alone.

Unexpected things make me sad, things you wouldn't guess... Seeing Parker in most of Greyson's old clothes makes me very sad... At first because they were the clothes that Greyson wore before I knew... Now we are wearing the something might have been going on- but it was too soon to tell clothes.. Soon we will be wearing the clothes Greyson wore when we knew for sure something was wrong and I was scared as hell...and then The clothes Greyson wore when I realized he was Autistic...
I feel like then I won't be sad about the clothes going forward after that...

I was looking for envelopes to mail stickers the other evening and I saw this guy and unexpected sadness washed over me....

I ordered these Thank You cards for my baby shower for Greyson... On them I had printed the name of a boy I loved, yet had never met... I loved him in my belly but I needed to see his eyes and I needed time in order to feel that true and deep bonding thing that people talked about... Thinking about the baby shower me...and everything in her future leading up to an Autism diagnosis...that makes me sad.

Feeling a sickness in the pit of my stomach as I call Parker's name way too many times each day makes me sad...checking to see how long of a response time he has...feeling a fear I can taste when he is engrossed in the TV or with a toy and doesn't look up. Constantly assessing.
Siblings of an Autistic child are 100 times more likely to be Autistic...That makes me sad.

I can handle the physical part...but the sad part...oh the sad part is dark and hollow, causing deep pressure in my chest, a knot in my stomach, a tightness in my jaw and thumping pain in my heart.

It's the small things that can tip me over into sad...
And it's always the small things that make me feel real joy...
My life often boils down to small things...
So I guess these small things aren't so small after all.


This weekend we watered the Happy plants in our Garden and we made that grow.


The sky looked like this all weekend.


Remember a little while ago I told you I wanted this Summer to contain kid-friendly happy hours, Navy blue and Pinot Grigio? This past Friday night I got all of those things..


Friday night from 4-7, I hosted a Kid-friendly Mom Happy Hour with White Sangria. I wish you would have been here.  We decided we should start doing this every single day.

I meant to get more pictures, but I was pretty busy living in the moment. I will have to certainly recreate the scene and take pictures then. I highly suggest you have one where you live.

This weekend was good. We spent some time at the bookstore, a few different parks the pool and did some shopping...A few of my favorite things.


Parker is starting to think about walking....He doesn't seem to be in a hurry but he has a mean surfer stance.

This weekend was the 1st time I looked at Parker and felt like he had grown over night. Thank goodness he's still all sorts of little though.

On June 24th, 2006 it was a cool and Grey day in Hermosa Beach California. It was the day that I went from a Chrissy Pratt to a Chrissy Kelly.







And tonight on June 24th, 2012 Michael and I celebrated 6 years of marriage.

He even arranged a Baby Sitter all on his own. Best gift ever. (Thank you Olivia! You got to love a babysitter that texts you pictures of your kids!!!)

We got mani-pedi's....


The nail people were funny and loved asking Michael if he wanted "Design" or pink toes like me. 
By the way, cám ơn is Thank you in Viet Namese!

And we went out for sushi. Perfect date night by me. I was about to order some more sushi when I noticed who was swimming in the tank at the sushi bar.

And then I felt really bad...as if I was eating some friends, so I didn't get any more.

Sorry Nemo...Sorry Dory...I will carry your legacy on with my constant Mom-amnesia.

And Happy Anniversary Michael. I love you.



I hope your Monday doesn't suck friend.
You can help make mine better by signing up to be a Member of this blog--you have to click on that blue bar on the right that says, join this site from a computer (not your phone).
Pretty please? I'll be your best friend.


Have a good week. Sometimes it's hard to always have to drive the bus.


It's easier if you make it a fun one...