I accept my boys for who they are.
I love them with every fiber of my being.
I am a Mom--that's what Moms do.
I focus on the good...
When I get sad, I find places to put it--the sad that hides behind the corners. I know myself well enough to know I absolutely must actively get it out. I can't just sweep it under the bed to deal with later. When I don't get it out, I get head aches, my jaw hurts at night from clenching and it finds its own way to escape.
I can't afford to be sad, so I run it out, I talk it out, I write it out, I think it out, I shop it out, I laugh it out and I cry it out.
As I type these words, I am not sad, so it's OK with me if I write about sad. If I were sad, writing about it would give it more air time in my mind, it would then become bigger than it is. I would then be watering the sad in my garden and that would make it grow.
Don't water your sad.
I am going to write about sad, because I am real...and I want people to know just how real my real goes. I also want other Spectrum Moms to know they aren't alone- so they don't think- How does this woman have it all wrapped up pretty and never feel sad...am I doing it wrong?
Things that you would expect make me sad. It's hard for me to write about them and say them out loud because then I feel like I am saying I am disappointed in my son, and I am not. I also hesitate to write them out because I don't want someone to judge me- or to comment on how I shouldn't be sad about this stuff..or to tell me that God has a plan for me or something... I know there are people in much worse situations than me.
I know God has a plan...sometimes I just wish he would show me a copy in advance. He could just stamp "DRAFT" on it or something.... Just a thought God, let me know...
But I have sad that needs to get out, so please just let me open this door and let a little out.
I am sad for Greyson's struggles, and for mine- if I am being honest. If you are a Typical Mom you can guess what these things are and you would be right. Things like seeing Greyson with other kids his age...having conversations with other 3 year olds and seeing them evolve and unfold... Feeling like I don't understand my son makes me sad, hearing other parents talk about development- their kids talking and learning things so easily, hearing Mom's complain about their life -a life that I think sounds so easy makes me sad ...I am sad when Greyson is sad. And I am sad when he is happy doing something that I wish didn't make him happy....like being alone.
Unexpected things make me sad, things you wouldn't guess... Seeing Parker in most of Greyson's old clothes makes me very sad... At first because they were the clothes that Greyson wore before I knew... Now we are wearing the something might have been going on- but it was too soon to tell clothes.. Soon we will be wearing the clothes Greyson wore when we knew for sure something was wrong and I was scared as hell...and then The clothes Greyson wore when I realized he was Autistic...
I feel like then I won't be sad about the clothes going forward after that...
I was looking for envelopes to mail stickers the other evening and I saw this guy and unexpected sadness washed over me....
I ordered these Thank You cards for my baby shower for Greyson... On them I had printed the name of a boy I loved, yet had never met... I loved him in my belly but I needed to see his eyes and I needed time in order to feel that true and deep bonding thing that people talked about... Thinking about the baby shower me...and everything in her future leading up to an Autism diagnosis...that makes me sad.
Feeling a sickness in the pit of my stomach as I call Parker's name way too many times each day makes me sad...checking to see how long of a response time he has...feeling a fear I can taste when he is engrossed in the TV or with a toy and doesn't look up. Constantly assessing.
Siblings of an Autistic child are 100 times more likely to be Autistic...That makes me sad.
I can handle the physical part...but the sad part...oh the sad part is dark and hollow, causing deep pressure in my chest, a knot in my stomach, a tightness in my jaw and thumping pain in my heart.
It's the small things that can tip me over into sad...
And it's always the small things that make me feel real joy...
My life often boils down to small things...
So I guess these small things aren't so small after all.
This weekend we watered the Happy plants in our Garden and we made that grow.
The sky looked like this all weekend.
Remember a little while ago I told you I wanted this Summer to contain kid-friendly happy hours, Navy blue and Pinot Grigio? This past Friday night I got all of those things..
Friday night from 4-7, I hosted a Kid-friendly Mom Happy Hour with White Sangria. I wish you would have been here. We decided we should start doing this every single day.
I meant to get more pictures, but I was pretty busy living in the moment. I will have to certainly recreate the scene and take pictures then. I highly suggest you have one where you live.
This weekend was good. We spent some time at the bookstore, a few different parks the pool and did some shopping...A few of my favorite things.
Parker is starting to think about walking....He doesn't seem to be in a hurry but he has a mean surfer stance.
This weekend was the 1st time I looked at Parker and felt like he had grown over night. Thank goodness he's still all sorts of little though.
On June 24th, 2006 it was a cool and Grey day in Hermosa Beach California. It was the day that I went from a Chrissy Pratt to a Chrissy Kelly.
And tonight on June 24th, 2012 Michael and I celebrated 6 years of marriage.
He even arranged a Baby Sitter all on his own. Best gift ever. (Thank you Olivia! You got to love a babysitter that texts you pictures of your kids!!!)
We got mani-pedi's....
The nail people were funny and loved asking Michael if he wanted "Design" or pink toes like me.
By the way, cám ơn is Thank you in Viet Namese!
And we went out for sushi. Perfect date night by me. I was about to order some more sushi when I noticed who was swimming in the tank at the sushi bar.
And then I felt really bad...as if I was eating some friends, so I didn't get any more.
Sorry Nemo...Sorry Dory...I will carry your legacy on with my constant Mom-amnesia.
And Happy Anniversary Michael. I love you.
I hope your Monday doesn't suck friend.
You can help make mine better by signing up to be a Member of this blog--you have to click on that blue bar on the right that says, join this site from a computer (not your phone).
Pretty please? I'll be your best friend.
Have a good week. Sometimes it's hard to always have to drive the bus.
It's easier if you make it a fun one...
Amen sister...on every single word you said. I know that sadness all too well. Hugs to you.ReplyDelete
I want to hug you through the computer right now. For reals.ReplyDelete
....and another virtual hug from me.ReplyDelete
Ride that Funbus, Chrissy, Grey, and Parker!! :-)
Ahhhh, the feeling of "sad". Its been a tough day for us here. Glad I have almost a month's worth of words to read! I suspect I'll feel better. :)ReplyDelete