Meh kind of day

Today was a meh kind of day...

Something was off that I couldn't put my finger on...

All my life I've believed that as long as you work really hard....you can get whatever you want....And this belief has been reinforced with life experiences time and time again...

And the harder I work at something...the more rewarding the outcome.

I'm not used to working really really really hard at something...and still not have the situation exactly as I hope...and him having Autism isn't my bad time...it's not something I want to complain about...because none of it is about me...it's about him...and I just want to be here to support him...and during all these thoughts of conflict and sad...I still believe he is my perfection...he is the best thing I have ever done.



Today I realized that we have been going to speech therapy twice a week...for over a year now...and Grey still isn't talking much at all...and for some reason today...it broke my heart...and I needed to find some strength - strength that I had possibly hidden somewhere for a rainy day.

Sometimes we have to wait a really long time in between milestones...
A really...really...really long time...

And usually about 5 minutes after the moment I feel like I'm gonna break...I'm gonna throw my cards in...God gives me a sign...and it holds me over until the next time I feel like I'm about to overflow...and right now it's been 10 minutes after that moment of tough...and I'm sick and tired of waiting...

And so I went looking to Him for a sign...because maybe he tried to call me on my broken phone today and couldn't get through...so I went to His House during a ten minute window before Speech.



We stopped by our Church...because we haven't been in awhile...and I wanted to go there in the hopes of finding strength...






Hearing the clock strike 2 reminded me it was time for us to leave...and although I saw no signs...when I left...I felt different...better...it was where I was supposed to go. Grey absolutely loves it there.


Seeing my family also gives me strength ... I got to talk with my sister, Lisa, and my nephews Tristin the Turtle Head and Levi...and I got to peak in on baby Maggie who was sleeping.


Levi is 2 and hearing his tiny little voice sounds like a melody. 

It was so funny...Lisa and I aren't used to seeing each other when we talk...so like a couple of girls we would stop mid-sentence...Ohhhhh! I look terrible!!!  Ugghhhh! Look at my hair...Is my nose really that big!? One of us would exclaim...(unfortunately you can see yourself in the bottom corner of the phone)...and the camera made me look like an exhausted, distorted 90 year old scary clown lady...unless I really look like that- and if I do- please don't tell me.

When I am really really really lucky, in the afternoon sometimes both boys are set to nap at the same time...and when that happens I put Parker down first...and then I rock Greyson until he falls asleep, and then I get into bed with him...and we take a nap together...and it is one of my favorite things in the World to do... because during the day I want to feel close to him...I want him to look at me...to need me...to talk to me...and I want to connect to him so badly... and I am left feeling like an invisable ghost...but when we are napping together- it fills that empty completely...


Bumper pads...Kids get them at the bowling alley and I think it's a pretty incredible invention.


There are little kid-railings on each side that keeps the ball in the lane at all times..



It's always nice when we can make their life easier...


Help them but still let them try it on their own...


He just liked to feel the air blowing out of the ball returner thingy.


So today...I searched for places I could put bumper pads on my life to make it so I am less likely to fail too...I asked for ABA to start at 8:45 instead of 8am for the rest of the week so we could take our time in the morning...and I asked for our evening session to start a little later so I don't have to wake Greyson up early... 2 things that cause me stress each day that I just...poof...eliminated... I put Bumper railings up...

What little things can you do to make your life easier? Even if it's just for a day or two...

Tonight my 2 nap skippers and I went to frolic at the River Park Farmer's Market...




We basked under all the colors of the rainbow...and I realize again just how incredibly important senses are to me...how connected I feel to the World through my senses...the smell of Kettle corn and funnel cake in the air...hearing music and laughter and the hum from the generator of a bounce house smack in the middle of it all...the feel of sweat, dripping down the back of my legs in a way so organic- it feels like Summer...and the taste of sugar sweet grapes and orange juice so fresh it tastes like summer and swimming and a light breeze.

It was a good evening to a Meh kind of day...