Michael is in pharmaceutical sales and he is able to stop by the house at lunch when his schedule permits. Today he came by and as we talked- he noticed I was lacking enthusiasm. I'll even go so far to say I was a crabby cow. He asked what was wrong with me and I started to cry... I've been collecting tears for a few days and it was nice to just open the door and let them out.
Having a head ache for 2 months is wearing on me!...I told him, angrily...and I just want someone to help me. To fix me. To figure it out. I'm sick of it, and I try to be positive about it- and ignore it but today I can't. And even the Dr. said- You seem awfully happy for someone in pain- and that's just the thing- I work to be happy...because feeling shitty does nothing for me...and complaining does nothing for me either...but today it's too hard to be positive... I just want to be fixed.
Some days I want someone else to trace the line first- so I know exactly what I'm supposed to do and how to do it...Sometimes I want someone else to be the adult. And today was one of those days... Here is my problem- figure it out for me and let me know the correct answer...Guide me God- show me the way please! And I certainly didn't think I would write about any of this tonight. I don't think you want to come and hear me complain...and me thinking about it gives it extra energy- makes it bigger-and even something as simple as someone saying to me- How's your headache? Gives it more strength...
Complaining about things that you hate...people that suck--situations that are unfair- makes that negative energy a much more powerful presence in your Life. Have you been around people that constantly complain? Aren't they so incredibly boring?
Instead open yourself to the possibility of Change...what am I supposed to learn from this?
And that gives me strength...helps me sigh as I type right now...There is purpose in what is going on in my life right now. There's even purpose in this stupid fricking headache. I advertise the fact that my life isn't perfect and I certainly don't need you to think that it is. People that pretend as if their life is perfect lack Authenticity that will always leave them isolated. Something told me I should write about these feelings though- because I think there is a little possibility of purpose there too. It's real. If there's one thing I need to be- it is real...even more than I need to be positive. Authentic... If I can write, and Mom and live and love when I am hurting...Imagine what I will do when I am whole again. And although I love immediate gratification- I'm not getting it on this one. Awesome- that MUST mean it's gonna be a really, really good lesson. It's gonna help me enjoy the good that much more. It's gonna make my life that much richer. (and FYI- nothing major on my MRI- but there are a couple of nerves exiting my cervical spine that are getting pinched and are angry...I just need to get them calm and relaxed). Easier said than done for a tighly wound individual like myself. Hope...As long as I don't loose sight of hope, I'll be OK.
After my cry today, I felt better. Just like after the rain- the sky is always prettier.
After speech late this afternoon we came home and waited for Dad- and then went to the park with water.
There wasn't another soul there - I felt like we rented it out and it was Awesome.
And while we were there I remembered- I am so much more awesome than this headache....so much bigger and better than it...And until we (Yes, I said we--Michael promised her would help me...thank you, Love) get it fixed- those moments of breakdown are necessary to regroup...and they are only moments- they are not forevers...
Meet my 16 month old walker...Yes, he waited 16 months to debut this talent...and he doesn't walk like a drunken sailor baby....he walks like a 28 year old grown man...I think he was waiting until it was perfect to show us.
Keep that in mind if you are going through something tough, Friend... Look for the purpose- the lesson in it. I promise it is there...Pinky swear...and maybe you won't find the answer today- but you can live out the answer. Don't let it stop you from living. Maybe you can even use it to help other people.
Growing up is hard sometimes. No matter what your age is. That's why they call them growing pains. Even Parker is no stranger to growing pains... he is getting 2 new teeth...
He teaches me how to live good and happy in the presence of pain. He teaches me to take time to taste and embrace the last of Summer.
Greyson flaps when he is excited....Many Spectrum kids do. It's fascinating and I wish I could really understand why...and if Grey is really excited- he opens his mouth while he flaps...Water, trucks, automatic doors at the grocery store, garage doors...the list is growing... You should try it- Getting flappy when you're happy...
And then lastly- you simply must read these soulful words. Please, please, please...It's about embracing all kinds of different --and there's a lesson in it for every single one of us. It's written so amazingly...
Holy cow- I just started reading and and reading and couldn't stop. Drunk from words. I feel like I know the author and I may even love her. She helped me deal with my headache and she doesn't even know it-- or know me for that matter. She says everything I would love to say in a better, sweeter, more intelligent and awesomer way than I ever could. And at first I was intimidated- like I should stop writing now because this gal can write-write...but I don't think it's about the writing as much as it is about her ability to be raw, flawed- really flawed, real and authentic...and I just want to share her awesomeness- because I love you guys that much...
Sometimes it's so nice to get a new perspective.
Your words made me feel a little better today... thank you. :) Love you friend.ReplyDelete