Thursday, August 16, 2012

Which did you choose?

I vaguely remember a conversation I had with God... Many many years before I was born...
We were going through my Life Plan...It's kind of a detailed process with a lot of check the boxes, fill in the blanks and multiple choice...some of it is a predetermined formula based on who you picked to be your Mom and Dad- stuff like hair color and eye color...remember recessive and dominant genes and alleles and all that stuff? 

Then we got  to a question where I could only select one of the answers...

Do you want an easy Life or a great Life?

I pursed my lips to the side and squinted my eyes in the same direction and thought for just a second before I said....That's simple...I want both!...Relieved that I didn't have to select one or the other.

And God told me that wasn't an option, I could only pick one... 
But you are God- I said, confused...Can't you make anything happen? 

And God smiled and said- I gave you only one option by design. Easy or great. 
The 2 can not coexist...

If I gave you an easy would love it for a little while...but you would quickly grow bored...You would always wonder what your purpose on Earth wouldn't be able to use any of the awesome tools you will be born Strength and Tenacity...Hope and Courage....But if you select to live a great will get to use all of those skills and many will have an endless supply of strength inside of you...There will be times that your life will still be easy...but there will also be times when it will be hard...really hard....and moments you will cry...and want to give up...and feel like not enough...and feel misunderstood and will doubt that you have that supply of strength I mentioned...But there will be times that you will also be called to greatness...times that everything makes absolute and complete sense...times you are proud of your choices and your journey...times you thank me and your lucky stars...because you understand the meaning of life in a way you had never known before... 
And my hands shook...and I was so nervous...because I didn't know which one to choose...easy kind of good to be honest...But I don't want something good...if I can instead have something great...And I went back and forth in my head for a little while.

And as my Life is unfolding...I am realizing...



Which one did you choose?

School years start...and school years end...
And beginnings are happy....and they are sad...and can even be the same time.

I see picture after picture on my Facebook timeline-  kids going back to school...Summer used to be 3 solid months long...when did it get so short?

I see these pictures...and I feel sad...because that will be me next week...and I have a beautifully decorated little room in my soul with a name plaque on the front saying, Denial.
Oh friend, Denial is such a great room to stop by and enjoy on your way to the outside big World...

My first thoughts about this milestone event...
Not ready yet... But as I've mentioned before...Sometimes I have to change my minds old plans when it comes to Autism...and if my little dude didn't have wonky neurons- we probably still would have started preschool at 3...but it would have been sweet little preschool type hours on a M-W-F type schedule...but in order to fully kick Autism in the ass...we are doing it Warrior style...Autistic Preschool Monday through Friday from 8:20am until 1:20 pm... Home for a nap...and more therapy at the house from 3:30-5:30. Extra time spent's a sacrifice we make...It's Grey's sacrifice, and although it is not up to him- that's when the role of the adult is truly felt in my mind...and I have to make decisions that sometimes don't feel good in my heart....but I know are right in my mind....He's my long-term investment and the more I water his soil- the more he has the chance to blossom...

And I was so busy focusing and worrying about what I won't have with him starting Monday...that I didn't even stop to think about the good...and I almost don't want to see the good- because I'm afraid that that will mean I am less sad about the sad...but in true to Life with Greyson form..the Life I need to live...

I will focus on the good.

Back to school means new cool new back to school clothes...
This afternoon we went to his school and just hung out -instead of him taking a nap so he can get comfortable being there before school starts... We'll go a couple more times before Monday.

We have a rule about Grey and Parker's clothes...It's gotta be something that Michael would wear if it wasn't itty bitty...

Now I will get to leave the a regular old gal...the Early Intervention time of my life will forever be branded as a frightening beautiful little bubble of a cocoon in my mind and in my life...home almost every weekday for 10 months now has changed me... and it has been hard, but it has been great... Thank you for that God...But now I'm ready to go smell some roses.

Greyson going to school will give me more time to spend with just Parker...


He was not neglected during the past year of different...because we didn't ignore him--plain and simple... I'm so glad the warning of, "Your other children will feel neglected" has not been a truth in this house so far.

If anything- Parker and I have had even more one on one time together.

You there is good...and whatever it is that scares you...there just might be some good hiding in there too. Trust me...look for it.

Preschool...I wasn't ready...but the truth is I never would have been. When Greyson was a new baby I realized I was addicted to being with him. No other word could describe it-but addiction...and it washed over me...I thought that meant something was wrong with me...I haven't spent the night away from him in the 2 years that we have lived here in Fresno...I don't want to yet... Now that I've blossomed into the Mother I am meant to be- I realize that nothings wrong with's how I love...Hugely, fully, emotionally, painfully, rawfully, hopelessly...and the only real mistake in Motherhood-is to try to Mother like someone else- the person who you think you are supposed to be.

And so starting on Monday... I will let him share his amazingness with other people in the World....Touch more lives like he does mine...And although it will hurt, I will tap into that supply of strength that God told me about.



  1. This gave me the goosebumps. I'm glad I chose great too ;)

  2. Choosing great was a great thing!!! :)

  3. Oh goodness! Monday is a big day!! I will surely be thinking of you. Gavin starts "autism" preschool one week from Monday so I am right there with you. You couldn't have been more right on when you said this is what you need to do to kick autism in it's ass. We are on that mission too. Good luck to you guys!!

  4. I love the denial room! I have one here! Of course I love all of your posts but this one is extra special as we are letting go at about the same time. It HARD but wonderful. He will rock it because he has you to guide and help him grow! I'll be thinking of you Monday.