Tuesday, September 11, 2012

reality bites

Today I wanted to call in sick...but I'm not allotted any sick days in my Mom'ing contract.

Today I sweated the small stuff...and didn't enjoy the simple things...

Today I tried to be a sponge...and soak up the lessons that this life is teaching me...

My soul chose this journey...and I am figuring out why...

Whether it's a lost phone or a broken heart...an empty bank account or the loss of a friendship...
What is the lesson you are being asked to learn?

This past weekend I took a trip back home for my youngest sister's wedding... Part of my heart will always be in St. Louis, Missouri...the place I lived until I was 25 years old.

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The day we left...He likes planes as much as trucks I think...

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Greyson loved the airport as soon as we got there...Two big suitcases...4 carry ons/personal bags...2 car seats...and two kids...for only 4 nights away...There is no such thing as light traveling at this stage in the game.

A trip home...and with it- sticky sweet feelings of nostalgia that almost make my stomach hurt they are so sweet. My parallel life that no longer exists.  Places I've been and highways I've driven on a million times in the past that I no longer remember-yet I know I should....And even when you choose to move away- it doesn't mean it's easy to walk away from everything you once had.

We had such an incredible time...and it was so nice to be with my family...


The view from hotel number 1. Greyson probably could have stood on the ledge the entire time.
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And as soon as he woke up in the morning- he (of course) put on his shoes- he would sleep in them if we let him...and just watched in awe...and so did I...You could see cars and horse drawn cabs...It looked like a video game from up that high...

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I'd so love for this post to be all happy and glowy... but right now I am emotionally hung over and exhausted...and I'm not feeling happy and glowy...I will be all rainbows and butterflies tomorrow...and today I will just be the me that I am right now... As time goes by my beautiful selective memory will kick in...and I will mostly only remember the warm glow of happy and love and sunshine from the trip...

Today I woke up...puffy and exhausted. Greyson didn't fall asleep until 11pm last night...completely off-kilter from our trip. Michael left after we got home last night for a meeting in LA. We are all just off.

There are some things I might be quick to initially blame on Autism that really is more of a product of having a 3 year old. Traveling with a 3 year old and a one year old would be tough for anyone...but I think I can say with confidence that traveling with a Spectrum Kid is 4 million times harder than traveling with a Typical toddler.

Greyson's life is built on strict routine...When he goes more than a few days without Applied Behavior Analysis Therapy he starts to regress...He won't attempt talking as much...It increasingly becomes harder and harder to get him to focus on me- and to get him to listen and process what I am saying... He's not ignoring me- it's like his ears can hear me but they can't tell his brain. When he can't focus on me- he does things like run into the street and can't "hear" us yelling for him to STOP! (Like in the Car Rental parking lot...Heart attack... ) Each day he got a little worse...he starting flapping his hands more and more...frequently screaming and yelling out- like Tourette's Syndrome- but not words- just sounds...Add to that a lack of naps and it was really tough... The wedding was an hour away from St. Louis- so we ended up staying at 3 different places in 4 nights and there wasn't the consistency that Greyson is used to....And my sweet Parker did not find the paper thin mattress of the pack and play to be to his liking...so he woke up numerous times every night....

It was so incredibly worth it...but no one better have babies or get married for at least 15 years... (yes, I am kidding...kind of...)

And today I just couldn't stop crying...absolutely exhausted and home sick for my family...I was even laughing at how ridiculous I was for crying- all at the same time... And today while I was on a walk with Parker- I got a call from the school nurse to tell me that they had Greyson because he was bitten on his arm in class....and after she said those words my silence was punctuated only by my gulping for air in between sobs... She said- He's OK- they didn't break the skin...he isn't crying - he's just holding a car and wants to play with that...and I started to cry harder....The poor gal on the phone must have thought that I mistakenly heard that Grey's entire arm was actually bitten off from the intensity of my reaction... I said- Are you sure he's OK.... It's just that...well...he can't talk...so he can't tell you anything... And she told me that when she gets a child that can't communicate that she pays extra special attention to them to make sure they are OK...and it was what my ears needed to hear...But today I prayed extra hard to God...please let him learn to talk...Please...my heart is breaking...I am trying to be patient...but at least let him talk to protect himself...or to tell me if he is hurt or sad or scared...and every time I thought about Greyson needing me to be his voice...and me not being there...I started to cry again.... And he is completely fine...there aren't even marks on his arm...and I know this is something that has the potential to happen in every preschool classroom... and that makes me feel a little better...

So tonight when I rocked Grey to sleep I told him- If someone tries to bite you- tell them --No No Bite! He said, No no! Good Grey! Perfect...

And you can tell Teacher, Help me...and he said, Help....Perfect!!!

And if you need to - tell Teacher, I want Mom...and Teacher will call Mom...OK? And he said...Mom... And I felt a tiny bit better...

So, tomorrow I will tell you about the numerous precious gems about our trip...our hellish adventurous flights...and the amazing time we had exploring...
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Spending time with Family...

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Parker loves his Grandma

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My sister and Baby Maggie...


My sister Katie's beautiful backyard Country wedding...

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We are finally home...

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We owe the Fresno Airport some windex... Sorry...


Have a great day! (I'm talking to myself....sorry- but you have a great one too).

Love,
Chrissy

1 comment:

  1. Hugs to you my dear. I completely agree that traveling with a toddler is hard - traveling with a toddler on the spectrum is a whole new ball game. I just did it ALONE (I know, I'm crazy) and I swear I will never do so again. As for the bite at school...oh my eyes filled with tears hearing that part. I get emotional with his teacher all the time in regards to his lack of being able to communicate. "Please make sure he knows where his water cup is...otherwise he will just go thirsty." "If he cries, please really see what's going on because he can't tell you." Etc, etc. Those are the hardest times. Knowing that I am his voice and I am not there 24/7. I hope that being home and getting back into your routine brings you back some sanity. :)

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