And some of it works, some of the time...But I still have that hole sometimes...I feel it most at night, like I'm forgetting something important but don't know what it is. Like I need something-or I'm hungry for something- but I don't know what. Writing makes the hole smaller... Maybe that hole isn't bad. Maybe I should make friends with it...Maybe it's a hole to allow room for things to settle and not overflow...to keep me open to trying new things... I don't know, but I'd like to find out.
We deserve good things...just because we are... Say it with me... I deserve good things... It's hard- right?!!! I giggle when I say it out loud...try it- see if you can do it.
I used to think my brain was a studio apartment...It was perfect- I could see everything at once...it was easy to clean and I knew where everything was...
The older I got- I realized my mind was actually a big mansion... I couldn't keep track of all the rooms at once...and there were doors everywhere that opened to places I didn't know was possible...
And now my mind expanded tremendously. I can't believe how much I still don't know, but now- at this part in my Life- my brain is more like a Universe and I think it has been the whole time- I just didn't know. There are so many things I never even thought of thinking before...so many new doors opened and things to love and believe... it's a lot more challenging to keep track of...but it is beautiful and eye opening and vast and sometimes takes my breath away. It is much harder to clean- I'm constantly finding new corners and nooks I didn't know existed-- and I certainly can't see everything at once...But I am learning I don't have to... I just have to believe...
It gives me more opportunities to be Brave....
Greyson is so brave. Learning is a challenge for him. He has to work so hard to grasp simple concepts...and when I think about that for a second too long I feel like my heart will pound it's way out of my chest. I want to do it for him...but I can't.
So I challenge him when I can- because I'm his Mom and I know better than anyone what he is capable of... But on the flip- there are times when I baby him more than I should- because I'm his Mom and I hate to see him struggle... I am working to trust my gut that I am giving him the right amount of safety and challenge.
When we went to the Pumpkin Patch over the weekend- we bought tickets to go on the rides...and as we approached a spinnng wheel ride- Grey was in awe. As I approached the cart to get on, the worker told me that I wasn't allowed to ride with him...
My jaw dropped....not allowed to ride with him?! Are you serious? Greyson really wanted to ride this ride....And he was doing the Greyson jumping for joy thing... Dude- I will not deprive my child of this freaking ride- so you better take note -- I'm only 5'2" and you best turn your head while I belt myself in. I tried pleading...I tried humor. The big burly dude didn't budge and Grey was already belted in. Big Burly Dude said- If he doesn't like it- just have him tell me he wants to get off and I'll stop the ride...
He doesn't talk. He is Autistic. He can't tell you to stop, I told him with...Man- this better work, I thought...I just threw out the Autistim card and completely overshared with this big burly dude...
But something told me to let him try...knowing full well that the second the motor started Greyson would panic and want off...And then I didn't have to be the bad guy.
But yet again, he reminded me just how Brave he is with each turn around the wheel...
I know Autism is confusing- once you become a Spectrum Parent you get your PhD in Autism from reading and reading and reading. I'm a visual learner...so let's have an impromptu lesson...
Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) describes a range of conditions of individuals with social deficits, communication difficulties, stereotyped or repetitive behaviors and interests and sometimes cognitive delays. ASD is represented by the entire ride... Each cart is a specific disorder that is considered to be On the Spectrum- or an ASD... I put Attention Deficit Disorder in Green because some physicians now consider it to be On the Spectrum but it is not a Universally accepted concept. Classic Autism (what Greyson has) is considered to be the most common ASD.
And that big burly guy? He was actually a teddy bear in disguise...and every time Greyson would roll back around he would smile and yell to Greyson in a loud, clear voice- DO YOU LIKE IT? DO YOU WANT TO GO AGAIN? And smile and shake his head up and down...And Greyson would just stare at him blankly.
And I was laughing and jumping and clapping just like Greyson does when he is happy... You would have thought Greyson just graduated college from my reaction... When you have a kid with Super Powers and they surprise you like this... the tough times fall away into the shadows.
And he rode all the rides and played the games himself... because apparently he's a big grown up guy and I just didn't know it.
This picture makes me laugh because of the pumpkin head that works there... It was funny...we kept buying more balls because Greyson loved throwing them toward the targets... and the guy felt so bad for us because Grey kept missing- and so he would frequently hand us extra balls for free- and he even gave us a small prize at the end...But that's just the thing... Greyson wasn't disappointed---he wasn't doing it to win...he was doing it for the sheer joy of throwing the balls...
Friend- that is so HUGE!!! Playing---Not to win- but just for the joy of playing... HE TEACHES ME!!!!!
No, no, no- not scary, crappy times- although they often feel like it...
Opportunites to be Brave... that's what we will call them...
Thank you for reading and for sharing....
Love.
Chrissy
No comments:
Post a Comment