I think God wanted me to read this because it sure does feel good to my ears today... Maybe you need to hear it too...
Here's Vintage Life with Grey... Your Ness
Yesterday morning I felt like a total fraud.
I had some bigger than tiny but not big worries on my mind --and although I knew it was worry-free Wednesday, I just didn't feel like I could shake my worries. The specifics? Not important in 100 years... I will say they felt bigger than me at the time though. I pulled up my most recent post on the Power of Perception....hoping to tap back into that force that drove me to write it in the first place... and after I read it I realized with relief that I am not a fraud. I am human. Just like I said- I am not always positive. But I usually am- and that is the authentic me...and when I am not- it is temporary. Why is it so hard to realize that in the moment, I wonder?
I said it was a muscle...I said I have off days...and when I do...I feel it, just like I would with any other muscle I said, It doesn't come naturally to me at all times, but I want it to...and so I work at it.
And that's when I realized it was time to crunch and curl that muscle. And so I did. I dug down deep to get in touch with what I needed to do to feel better...for this situation? I needed to talk to people I trusted and I reached out. I called my Mom, my sister and a dear friend that always knows what to say. And after I did my positive-muscle squats, I felt much, much better.
When I write, I am confident. I write after I have figured a problem out...after I found a way to fold it neatly with squared hospital corners, and place a beautiful bow on top. I do not often write about the "in between"...the times when I don't have the answers in my soul...sometimes I don't even know yet what the question is. Although my rational mind says contrary, I subconciencely equate not having the answers with being weak...and I equate weak with vulnerable...and I do not like to be vulnerable. This is ironic because I am drawn to strong people who must also must have the ability to be authentic, to be real and to be vulnerable...because I happen to find vulnerability to be beautiful in others. And now as I write I am realizing that being vulnerable doens't mean that you loose who you are...in fact, quite the opposite... Why do we hate vulnerable in ourselves, and crave it from others?.
It reminds me of my favorite scene in the movie You, Me & Dupree. The character, Dupree is giving a Motivational Seminar at the end of the movie and he says:
Life may knock you down. Scratch that. It will knock you down.
It'll kick you in the gut and knock you to the curb.
But you can't let it rob you of your "ness." Now what's Ness? It's your name plus Ness.
Being vulnerable doens't mean I loose my Chrissy-ness. In fact, vulnerable and honest is a big part of my Chrissy-ness! And bad days don't rob us of our ness. Dealing with hard real life situations doesn't damage our ness! Mean people can not steal us of our ness! Traffic can't get near our ness! Bad moods have nothing on our ness!
We have a bad day and we think- I'm such a drag/fraud/cow/failure/tired blob...like all the good we've done in Life is suddenly not good... but day to day let downs don't have any power over your ness...
Your (amyness/jenniferness/lisaness/katieness/wendyness/kaseyness/saraness/anneness/ kristinness/ meganness/ laniness/ shaneness permeates every ounce of you. It isn't fickle...it doesn't go away with a sneeze... Why do we change our self worth on a daily basis based on the way we are received by others or tasks we complete? Our foundation is so much more concrete than that... Unwaivering Friend...that you are...But only if you believe it too...
Clearly, like me, you are motivated by words...I am so grateful to all of you because you are the ones that give those uplifting words to me. I love hearing from you. I love when you tell me how reading this blog has helped you be a better or happier Mother, Father, Person, Husband, Wife, Dog or Friend.
Jack & Belle and all their friends read the blog.
I cherish those messages. You don't have to specifically have a Spectrum kid to get what I say. I get that.
I like that.
Yesterday I heard from a few of you...you sent me happy shiny emails and messages and reached out and I needed that...I saw the blog shared and reshared....pin'ed and re'pinned. I heard kind words and I am so grateful. 5 new people became Members! I LOVE IT!
As I type, Greyson is currently alone for the first time at preschool. I thought for sure I would cry, but I didn't.
However, it does make this Momma anxious nervous sad happy and scared... (and feeling quite vulnerable).
Leaving for his first solo day at school. Michael is such an involved and incredible Dad. We are BLESSED!
22% of my worry is because he can't communicate his needs and I don't want him to go hide in the corner or line up cars alone, or feel scared or deserted or confused, so that makes me worry...and 88% of it is just like you might feel if you are a non-Spectrum Mom...just the normal- I hope they do OK, I hope they have a good time...I hope it goes well -worry.
It's hard to let our babies explore the World. Good thing our Mommas and Dads let us.
Thank you for coming by...thank you for reading...and thank you so much for sharing. I need the World to understand more about The Spectrum so my son can have the best life possible! Thank you for helping me do that.
If you want to be friends, I'd like that! You can find me on Facebook.