Thursday, December 6, 2012

shut up gary

Expect is a verb...and it means to look forward...

It sounds so innocent- right?... I picture a person looking frontward with a gleam in their eye... Hopeful.

I've always expected the worst... It helps you be prepared, says that little voice inside that lies to me... I'm starting to realize - that little voice is so mean... I really can't think of anything it says that is nice to me...I don't know why I entertain the little bugger... Am I the only broken one? Does anyone have a nice and friendly voice inside?

When you look in the mirror does your friendly voice says Damn Gurrrlll. You still got it...Don't even look at those gray hairs coming in...You can't even notice them.

When you work out it says, Great job, gal! Way to shake that cute booty. It's worth the time you invest in yourself..and when you don't work out it says, Take a day off! Who cares? Put that energy elsewhere...

When you do a good job at work it says- You are a shining example of brilliant. Your wit and work ethic is unwavering.

We are taught to downplay our success. To be humble... If the voice inside was kind - we may even say it is narcissistic... How did this mean voice even come to be in the first place? How young does it start? Most importantly, is it possible to make it go away?

It's funny... I've always been an obsesser... Scared of change, yet craving it daily.But taking risks is so much easier- when the voice inside is nice. I want to be someone who takes risks.  Setting goals and accomplishing them is so much more obtainable- when you have an internal cheerleader.

I'm starting to realize that the voice inside- the one that helps me be prepared...isn't helping me... at all... It's hurts me... I spend too much time listening to it... debating it... trying to prove it wrong... and then agreeing that it's right...

What I really need to do is ask it to leave...turn my back on it... Give it a hug and say- it's not me... it's YOU...and YOU need to go...and if it tries to argue with me I'll just tell it, Shut up, Gary... Leave me alone... Because now that I've given it a name...and I know his name is Gary...suddenly he's not so powerful at all...

Yes, saying Shut up, Gary when I first hear his voice...that's my first step in getting rid of him. It will help me realize how often he's around... Name your little voice...if you have one... A good solid name like Frank. And then tell him off.

It's so easy to label myself as an over thinker...a worse case scenario gal...because then I don't have to change...It's just who I am- I say without apology...Many of us blame traits and habits on our genes or our past...we say it's just how we are or how we were raised because then we don't have to challenge our self in a way that feels too scary. Than we don't have to change.

It's the little things sometimes... Don't have them over to dinner...what will you cook? What if it's gross? What if the house isn't clean enough? What if the kids are terrible? 

It's the voice during my OBGYN appointment that says, What if you have breast cancer? What will happen to the kids? How will I deal with my hair falling out?

A few weeks ago I went to my endocrinologist appointment...I have nodules on my thyroid and I asked my doctor to do an ultrasound to see if they had the few days before my appointment I had myself convinced that I had thyroid cancer and my cancerous nodules are the culprit of my nerve pain... and yes, I shared this hypothesis with my Doctor and her surprised look was my first indication that I worry much too much.

It's a voice that says- Be prepared for the worst with Parker... He's got too many red flags... just accept that he has Super Powers now so that when you find out he does- you won't be crushed and you won't look stupid...

If I knew then...what I know now... I would do it all over again...Of course I would.  How can you begin to measure the impact of your baby on your Life? Having a Baby means you make a pact with the World...It says I am now more vulnerable than I ever thought possible...I can now hurt greater than I could have ever imagined in the past...and I accept all of this because the love...the love that hurts so good...It is bigger than the moon and the World and it says- I'll take the bad and the scary and the pain... that's nothing... nothing compared to the love.

But guess what? I will still be crushed- no matter how many times I think it through in my mind...Try to plan and prepare for it... It's not like lifting weights- the more you do it the better you get... And if I go through an Autism diagnosis again- I won't care if I look stupid... I won't care that people may think- What did she smoke when she was pregnant? What did she do in a past life to be dealt such a crappy hand? Like I worry they will think now.

None of us know what is ahead as we look forward...


I know from past experiences- (I think we ALL know from past experience because no one has a perfect life)... That we can go through hard things... and learn to be OK again... We don't have a choice but to be OK... I still believe that there is unfathomable greatness in my future...It's gonna blow my mind...Things I couldn't even expect because I'm limited by my own mind...But it's out there..

Shut up, Gary...It is out there and I don't want to hear it.

Everyone else? Have a great weekend.

1 comment:

  1. Hi. I just found your blog and I've been reading through your posts and just wanted to say that this one was particularly awesome. Well, they are all awesome, but I really needed to read this one tonight. Best to you and your family.