Wednesday, January 2, 2013

just the way you are

Sometimes it hits me... As if I am just finding out this very instant...

There's part of me that is in complete disbelief...that all my hopes and dreams can't be the way I pictured them. 


June 7th, 2009... It was just yesterday... My contractions were steady...and after 40 long weeks I was going to finally see his face...I could see the baby warmer shaking in anticipation of it's newest miracle...receiving blanket, golden heart sticker and a hat --ready for one Greyson Michael Kelly...

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The greatest instant of my Life...Greyson- thank you for making me a Mom...



And the moments following...scary, happy, crazy self- doubt, crazy mad love-- all around....



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And now, 3 years, 6 months and 26 days later...Oh my God...My son has Autism... Both of my boys might... 

It hit me today while in the waiting room of my physician's office... It's unbearable... The effort it takes to breath in that moment... Like all the pain that didn't have anywhere to go over the past couple of years came out and exploded all at once... And I want to lay on the ground and cry and pound my fists into the floor...which is really inconvenient to do in a public place and so instead I just sit there flipping through a magazine...



And I find my breath... In...Out...In... Out...And I remember... I'm OK... He's OK.... We're OK... 

This is the story we were meant to live and I must do it justice because it's brilliant. I must remember how much I really do love it. 

My poor Bitty G is sick... The past couple of days there's been a lot of this...

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It's hard to jump for joy when you can't stop coughing...
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Disney Cars Microdrifters... Can't. get. enough... (And the jammies- THANKS Aunt Lisa! LOVE YOU!)

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20 month old Parker took Grey's Speech Therapy slot... I put him in his Harvard Sweatshirt to up his learning game --hoping it will get him talking sooner...




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I laugh when I hear Attachment Parents debate Ferber Method parents... Like most things in life- I find myself somewhere swirling in the middle... For the first 9 months of life Greyson slept in my bed. I had a few Mothers tell me I was creating a Monster... He was my first so I believed them... Greyson woke up constantly - every 2 to 3 hours... The tortured memory of sleepless nights is non-existent now though... But the memory of him waking and searching for me..and me being there for him...It's forever... He would look at me... .

His eyes locked into mine... 

The eye contact that is no longer.. His fascination of me...that will stay with me forever. I ration it out daily and I move on...


Whether its Ferber or Sears or Fockerize... Be the parent that feels like you. Never criticize anyone else's choice. You never know what their future holds.

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Telling someone bad news is really hard. I lost my job...My Dad died...I have cancer... My husband cheated on me...My son is Autistic. 

I know it's hard to hear that kind of news too...you may have fears...you may have questions...You may have opinions or suggesstions or doubts... It may make you sad and want to cry. 

Please- don't... 

That can all happen in time...It's really hard for the bad news teller to then have to console you...The only right words... I'm so sorry. I love you... You can do this hard thing. How can I help?


I told my mom my fears about Parker possibly following in his brother Greyson's foot steps a few months ago...

That's OK..she said...We love him just the same...

I think that's what we all want...to be loved...just the same...no matter what...


And she was right by the way... Whatever happens...  

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I couldn't love him more... He's so stinking worth it...

A big fat HUGE thank you to every single one of you that visited the Momastery Page to share this blog... Under the STATS section of my Blog I can see how many people come to visit- and I check it eleventy hundred times a day because it makes my inner 3rd grader feel so worthy... I usually have around 300-400 visitors a day... So far in the past 5 hours alone-- I've had 1,200... WELCOME NEW FRIENDS!!!  I love you just the way you are! And 10 new MEMBERS!!!!! Happy Shiny Swirly Dance all over the kitchen floor!!! My inner 3rd grader is a FRICKING ROCK STAR!!!!!! 

If you haven't stopped by Momastery for a visit- What are you still doing here?! Check it out immediately... She would totally be my new best friend if I was just a little bit cooler...But we share the same vision... A World where you get to be EXACTLY who you are and be LOVED just the same... 



So much crazy Love,
Chrissy



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3 comments:

  1. Greyson and Parker are two beautiful boys! And no matter what, you are right, we love them just the same!

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  2. I feel so many of these emotions up and down and all around with our two special boys- thanks for being real!

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