Thursday, January 24, 2013

band aids for bruises

They are perfect and precious...

When he hurts-- I hurt ... I have to remind myself- Be the adult. Be strong. Be loving and soft and feel real things and express them-- but be strong like bull. 

That can all exist at once-- It's one of the few recipes I can do- a big batch of Strong.... Strong is a choice.

I want my to wrap my boys in bubble wrap and put a helmet and helmet cam on them and sit in a room and monitor them 24 hours a day. Sometimes I want to put them back inside my womb. {Gross- I know.} Despite horrific heart burn and a fat ass- it was easier then. Sometimes I think I save up all my tears only to cash them in all at once. I cashed in quite a few when I saw this face come home early from school...

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He fell in the cafeteria... Everytime he gets hurt at school I tell him- If you get hurt- Mommy will always come get you. Just tell Teacher- "Mom"... I pray if he doesn't understand my words- he feels my heart...

Being madly, ridiculously, crazy in love is a risk. A risk of hurt. A risk of vulnerability. A risk that if anything happened-- I would not be OK...but I would have to find a way to act like I was...

If you have lost a baby...either a new plus line on a stick baby or a baby in your arms... I am hugging you right now...I am so sorry for your pain... Every day that you get up and do human stuff is an awesome miracle... you inspire people and you don't even know it...Your little will never be forgotten... 

I remember the first time I felt that fear of loving so damned much right after we got Jack the dog. I would bury my nose deep in his neck and it felt like love. 

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To this day even when he smells like stinky dog I think he smells good. He smells like my stinky dog and I love that. The usually totally laid- back, not super affectionate Jack knew I was pregnant with Greyson before I did. He followed me everywhere for days... He'd push the bathroom door open so he could be by me...He could tell my chemistry had changed and he made sure to help me protect the greatest miracle I've ever experienced... 

I remember one night I looked up the life expectancy of a Puggle... It's up to 15 years... And I realized that if I live a happy long Life-that I will outlive Jack... And I didn't want to be in a World without Jack...And suddenly I was crushed. My chest tightened... it hurt to breath...Typing about this still makes my eyes well up... 

Love...why do you hurt so damned good?  Life is a see saw. Up and down...up and down...up and down... If you are down- hang will be up soon.


Today started with an early am epidural injection for neck pain and headaches I've had since June. 

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It's way easier to get up if you leave yourself a nice message. It only took me 3 snoozes today... If you have an iphone- try it tomorrow. Say nice things to you...or leave ones on your sweetie's phone for any random time.

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My Spine Doctor tends to come across a little mean... And by mean I mean he's not the overly emotional, expressive, gushing, huggy type... He's an analytical- by the book- all business type-- which are probably preferred qualities for a know- versus being all gushy?

Today the clouds parted and I saw the sweetest little glimpse of hope from his heart..

Are you back again? He asks. I hate repeat customers - it makes me feel bad because I haven't be able to help you... But you're pleasant enough to have around so I think I'll let you stay

He marked my neck with a sharpie for weird legal reasons and was gone in a flash.  Wide-eyed I turned towards the Nurse. OhmyGOSH!!! I just saw HIS HEART!!! I knew he had one in there!!! 

And we laughed... and I was happy? Yes, happy... And I just have this feeling this epidural isn't going to work because so far absolutely nada (it can take up to 5 days blah blah blah I was told)... So I decided to look for gifts other than pain relief from the day... That certainly was one- a glimpse of hope warming humanity... If I realize in a day or two that it really didn't work- I will freak out at first-- because that's what I do. And at any random time I will walk downstairs to Michael with GIANT tears in my eyes...and for a few moments I will feel like I will never find pain relief for the rest of my Life and I will be crushed and it will be unbearable... and then I will keep repeating in my head- I'm one step closer to finding the thing that finally works...until my bad thoughts go away...and then poof...they will vacate the building and I will be just fine... Talking to your bad thoughts is the first step in evicting them...

After the Epidural and the Black eye'd G- I received some serious Awards... And thanks to a comment a friend left on the Life with Greyson Facebook Page- I also received rounds of applause when I received my Mental Awards... The whole process is so much more legit and official now.

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Thanks for the idea, Jeremy! This is a Free app... I can also do crickets and Boo sounds... This is gonna be a GAME CHANGER next time I fight with Michael.

After the stress of the day, I needed some retail therapy... I know it doesn't solve the big problems- but works wonders on the small...when used in moderation... 

And all Greyson needed after his tough day was balloon therapy... waayyyy cheaper.

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Tonight as I held a crying Parker I felt the flush of fever... 102... Suddenly his grumpness from the past two days makes sense... 

Up and down...

Up and down...

Up and down... Grab my hand and let's hold on... Life creates its own momentum so the downs never last...

Life with Greyson + Parker is on FACEBOOK...Share us with your friends! There's plenty to go around.


  1. Ooohhh! That is quite a shiner! Hang in there, Momma! He is still so stinking cute!!

  2. Maxwell blacked the same eye today when I was picking him up from school!! I so feel the same I wanted to wrap him in bubble wrap and protect him think I was in more pain then he was!!!

  3. Good always. Hope you get some pain relief soon!