Thursday, February 7, 2013

might as well jump

I couldn't fall asleep last night...wondering who will take care of Greyson & Parker when I die...  A thousand million trillion- whys fell out of my lips and sailed around the World.  


Productive- right? It's so hard to pull yourself out when you are at your darkest place... I've decided that I'm not allowed to think about hard questions like that right now... I'm going to try to stick to easier topics like- Chinese or Mexican for dinner...and anything else I need to deal with in the next 24 hours at a time.



I've always thought of falling as weak...not in other people- but according to my own standards...The standards I apply to myself are sometimes unrealistic and unforgiving...Let me guess- sounds like you too? Let's both work on that- K?


If I don't fall- well, I label that as strong... But lately I'm getting knocked down left and right.  I fall again and again and I can't keep up... Today I didn't even want to stand back up so I can avoid the next fall for a little bit. I'm trying to change my definition of strong from not falling...to falling and getting back up...again and again and again...I'm starting to think that's how you get really strong...




I'm gonna rock this next phase of Early Intervention for Parker...if I can clone myself, hire a nanny and then clone Greyson- so he can get Speech Therapy and ABA at the same time. And yesterday my calendar started to get so cluttery - it scared me... It still scares me.


Sometimes Life just isn't easy. There are no tricks or gimmicks or verses or words I can share that have an ability to provide a quick fix. Sometimes Life takes hard work...Sometimes Life makes us cry... We just have to wake up and get out of bed and function... Today nothing sounded better than staying in my humongous I'm depressed sweatshirt with my unwashed hair... But I'm horrible at Depression because it's so damned depressing and blah... So I decided to pretend like I was OK... I went for my run this morning...And although I was sad and my hands were shaking- I even showered and changed out of my sweatshirt... If you are in a hard place in your Life- sometimes it's good to at least act as if you aren't... 


And although it sounded like a completely emotionally dangerous idea- I decided to meet a friend at a Trampoline park called 2 Xtreme...Last time we went to one of these types of joints we lasted about 15 minutes and had to leave...


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It was just too much for Grey...Kids everywhere- music blaring...He had no interest in jumping and he kept running for the front door -until finally I gave up-feeling defeated- and we left.

But today? He was Van Halen, baby...



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He reminded me- I always need to keep trying...even if it didn't work at first...never give up...


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                                      I might as well jump -JUMP! Might as well jump...
Go ahead, jump, JUMP! Go ahead, jump...

And it was pure liquid amazingness...like amazing-amazingness...Like I can't connect the right words to my feelings to appropriately convey how good it was for my soul... and It helps me remember- words aren't everything...especially for kids that can't talk like Greyson...The heart speaks too...

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He loved it...and jumped the entire time... He even jumped with me and grabbed my hand and made sure I jumped with him sometimes too... Grey and I were in the same World...He liked a typical old kid thing... It was just perfect...and everything that isn't perfect? At least for a little while I forgot about it... And I jumped too...and my hands finally stopped shaking... and I could breath deeply again... and it was exactly what I needed and I didn't even know it... Jump Therapy... 

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While we were there I lost a sock...and I gained perspective...


Life is always going to be hard...and easy and hard and easy and hard again...we just have to remember that neither one lasts forever...

There's times we'll be overwhelmed and times we'll be overjoyed....times it all makes sense and times we don't know what to do...Times we feel strong and times we feel scared and weak...Times we feel left out and times we know we belong...times we lack luster and times when we just glow... 

Just wait...it's called the in between and it's everything that happens from the moment we were born until the day we die...




There are a million reasons that I feel like I can't do this...



But two very good reason that I can and I must...

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2 comments:

  1. Thanks thanks Thankyou, Chrissy! Yes yes and yes! Through your words I hear my own heart, my own truth. Finding that connection with our children is immensely important, I bet when Grey took your hand it was better than a 100 hours of therapy (for you and for him), that connection is life sustaining, hope sustaining, love sustaining. Thanks for sharing and reminding me to have the courage to try again tomorrow. Love V

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  2. Chrissy, I love your words! Cluttery sounds like a Winnie the Pooh Bear word, so it can't be that bad? Sending you lots of hugs and uplifting prayers. Keep on keepin on sister! We are right here with you. Thank you for writing & teaching & sharing.

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