Sunday, March 17, 2013

Buying Silence

When I was pregnant with Parker I never once had the thought- How can I duplicate the Love I feel for Greyson? How can I love them both the same? People told me as soon as that second child popped out I would just realize I loved them both completely and exactly the same- they said my heart would just grow...I believed it would be true...

None of that was true for me... I didn't have a clue how to love two at first... I never was the type that dated more than one guy at a time- I just wasn't a Love juggler... I equated Love with a state of doing...not a state of being...and suddenly I had this brand new little wrinkly starving dude who needed all my attention...

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And so much of my doing was for Parker...But I felt like my loyalty was with Greyson- and for the first couple of weeks the more time I spent with Parker- the worse I felt for Greyson.  Greyson seemed to withdraw from me... It ate me up and it made me cry every day... I was afraid to kiss Parker too much when Greyson was in the room... afraid to go to Parker when he cried if I was doing something with Greyson. Greyson would come into my room in the morning and the first thing he did was look to see if that little person was still in the mini crib by the side of my bed...and the look of disappointment on his face would crush me...



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The day we brought Parker home...


I had known Greyson fully and utterly and completely for 22 months...All his Life... I had memorized every detail of every expression and every eyelash... He never had to compete for my attention... He is my first born child... And I didn't know how I could still give him my undivided attention and Love to another baby too... And it took me a few weeks to remember that Love is on the inside...it isn't only about what you do or what you buy...And I realized that my Love for each of them was full and complete, infinity and forever... completely different and yet somehow equal... And although I was doing more for Parker it didn't mean I was loving him more...

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When I first became a Mom I believed all those Mom-truths I was told...

There are many regarding the second child... You take less pictures of them, hold them less and let them cry more... None of those happened to be truth for me...

However- some things were true... I'm much less freaked out over every hiccup, cut or sneeze. I trust my judgement more. I let Parker get away with more. I watch him like a hawk less... I call it Buying Silence.

The other day I was meeting a friend by the play area at the outdoor shopping center, River Park during a short break in our therapy schedule... I bought both boys Jamba Juice hoping that it would help occupy them for at least a few minutes so I could participate in adult conversation. Last week was hard as heck and I needed to spend time with someone who felt like home... As I was talking with my Friend a sweet and concerned Mom stopped me and said- Excuse me. Just so you know, he is eating dirt- Pointing to Parker... Parker was in a plant bed holding his smoothie with one hand and shoveling mulch and dirt into his mouth with the other...

Oh, no! I exclaimed... Thank you so much for telling me. Parker! What are you doing?! That is yucky! No no no! 

But the truth of the matter was-- I actually knew Parker was eating dirt before she told me. I had seen him from the corner of my eye at least three times- eating dirt the entire time.. But while he was eating the dirt- there was also the presence of silence...and it was glorious... And letting Parker eat dirt is what I call Buying Silence... But of course I had to pretend like I was slightly mortified and alarmed when my incompetence was pointed out. I often hear those types of sentences in public- Excuse me, your son is (Lighting a fire, throwing knives, cutting his own hair, running around naked,getting a tatoo) and I deserve an Academy Award with my concerned response. Ohmygoodness...boys- what can you do!? Thank you so much for telling me...I had no idea...


This weekend we went to a couple of birthday parties... and although both boys are on a Gluten, dairy, soy free diet- I decided to say screw it and let them both eat the icing from the cupcakes...
Not to buy silence in this case- but just because it felt so good to say yes instead of no for once.

How much harm can a little icing with dairy do?

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Each lick came with great thought first...

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And this is the look that made it so worth it...A look I dream about until it happens again...


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We had a second birthday party to go to at 4pm...Parker cried the entire time we were there...

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And after about 30 minutes we left...Apparently a little icing can do some harm...

And maybe he was getting sick anyway- or maybe it was the dairy icing- but it actually was a very very bad idea... Sometimes I need to learn things the hard way... When we got home I took Parker into my bed, turned on the TV and we cuddled- and he finally stopped screaming...right before he threw up hot dogs and icing all over me and the bed...

He was still miserable this morning...

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After a bath...



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He was so much better...

And popsicles and sunshine were drugs that made it all better...
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My rainbow and my pot of gold...


You know you are madly in love with someone when they throw up barely chewed up hotdogs all over you and you aren't even a little annoyed with them...



Today we all enjoyed the sun...

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But I would be lieing if I didn't tell you how heavy my heart felt... No time for sugar coating...last week was terrible...by the time Friday rolled around I was spent. I took Parker to Speech Friday morning and by the time it was over I could barely stand up straight- let alone carry Parker to the car... I had 30 minutes before his Home Behavior therapy started - so I drove straight to my chiropractor- praying he would have an opening... He did (shew) and by Saturday morning I could walk OK again... Last week was so much that I could feel it in my bones...

And this weekend I forgot all about the pain from last week...I got to be a regular old Mom... But now that Monday is nearing I'm getting scared... I can do this...I keep repeating... One day soon my Life will feel normal again...There is purpose in our growing pains...

When we were at the Birthday Party this weekend- they had a car with ramp there...Greyson was in Love...

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I knew Greyson was going to be afraid to go down the ramp and I figured I would need to push him outside of his comfort zone...

He didn't even need my help- he did it all on his own...Pushing himself off and experiencing Life...

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Going...

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Going...


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Greyson reminds me that I can do hard things too... I can do this week... So can you...

Much Love,

Chrissy

Life with Greyson + Parker is on Facebook...

3 comments:

  1. Chrissy,
    You make Mondays beautiful. Hell, you make every day a little more beautiful. Thanks for the wonderful post!

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  2. Loved this post. I tend to be a lot more laid back, especially with my second being a crazy little boy! Other parents are falling over themselves to get to my kid if he falls or bumps his head. I'm usually just watching for his reaction and if its not crying bloody murder... I don't even get up! Saving energy, buying time. You can do this week!! We can all do it!

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  3. Thinking of you this week, Chrissy. Love the pics you posted today, especially the one of Parker's in the bath tub - those big blue eyes are just perfect.

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