Today...
The crying. I don't even know what to say about the crying. Today was Grey's first day of therapy with his new entire ABA team... They seem pretty awesome...But the crying?
I fricking hate it.
Sometimes we get a little break for snuggles...
I couldn't even get any pictures of Parker because every time he even saw me he went nuts... and not being able to help him hurts so much...
It feels like a kick in the gut and I'm in a bad dream where my babies are hurting but I am frozen in slow motion and I can't move to help them. It will get worse before it gets better. Very soon- all of this will make them better...
They will survive... I will survive. As long as I know how to love I know I'm still alive...- oh wait...that's a song...I'm talking to you. Sorry. I don't know how I am not yet immune to the crying. Not the irritating- You will be fine and please stop crying already- crying...
The- Break your heart, when you cry like that it makes me want to grab you and run away to the nearest dessert island cry. Why can't I make it all better? Screw you, Autism...
Beginnings are hard... Even when they shouldn't be. I moved to Los Angeles in August of 1999. I fell madly in love with a boy that already lived there- and after a short while of long distance dating from my hometown in St. Louis, Missouri- we decided we needed to be in the same city. Everyone moves to LA for a boy or acting I soon found out. Moving to Los Angeles should have been amazing...palm trees, 70 degrees, shopping...Amazing-right?! ... Living in a place called Brentwood meant celebrities on every street corner and every Starbucks...but I was so scared... I didn't enjoy it at all... I didn't have a job...and although the boy said I never had to work a day in my Life again if I didn't want to- I wanted... I wanted to continue the career I had started in Entertainment Marketing that led me to meet the boy in the first place...I wanted to be the girl I always knew I could be... After less than a month I found a job in Marketing- and worked constantly...I remember wishing I would have enjoyed my free time more when I had it...
After a year and a half of dating the boy and I just didn't work out. He was just too Jew-y and I was too Christ-y. The things that at first he adored- I wasn't materialistic or anything like the other girls he dated, I had an authentic Love for Life, I was direct and determined --were ironically all the things he tried to change about me after time. But his life had become my life...his friends were my friends...and I had to start over from scratch in Los Angeles.
I decided I would move into my own place for 6 months- and if I hated it- I would move back to St. Louis knowing I had least tried to make it on my own. I moved to a small studio apartment in Brentwood.
For the bargain price of $985 a month...
The spacious kitchen...That's a 2-burner stove AND a microwave...Shocking- I never used the stove once...
And the rest of the entire apartment... This wasn't my actual place- I googled the address...
My first week there was miserable- and I would have cried myself to sleep every night but I couldn't sleep due to a heater that sounded like it was filled with angry zig-zagging marbles... Every third night I was so exhausted- I fell asleep. It was February- and a rainy season for LA... Late in the evening after work I would lace up my sneakers and run to the beach in the pouring rain. The downpour was a blessing- hiding the angry path of tears running down my face. Each pounding on the pavement helping me to ever so slowly heal. I'd come home and peel off my sopping wet clothes. Shivering, I'd physically place my open hand over my aching heart and whisper- It's OK, you can do this. You are going to be OK.
That was the deepest most painful heartbreak I've ever experienced. It felt like a death. Now it's a faint memory on my canvas...painted a million times over with a million different vibrant oil colors since then... And well before my 6-month lease was up- I was OK. I lived. I supported myself completely. I showed myself that I could do whatever I put my mind to. I saw things I never thought I would...I had the time of my Life... I went to amazing movie premiers...Met amazing people and ate in amazing restaurants...I worked hard and made great money and moved into a bigger apartment...one with a 4 burner stove that I also never used... I went on a weekend get-away with MYSELF to Palm Dessert... I regret nothing...
And all of it led me to right here, right now...
My sweet Greyson fast asleep beside me... And one day, the crying will be painted over too... I will have to squint my eyes and think really hard to even remember it... That's how Life works Friend...Aren't we lucky?
It's funny...On Facebook I will see some picture of some guy who will shave his mustache if he gets 1 million likes...or take his kids to Disneyland... and I think- Isn't changing the World so much more important than Ted shaving his fricking mustache?
So, if you think it is too... I'd like to ask you to share a link to this blog or our Facebook page today... It's not just me asking...
So much Love,
Chrissy
"He was just too Jew-y and I was too Christ-y."
ReplyDeleteYou my friend are hilarious.
I TOTALLY thought you were talking about Michael at first!
ReplyDeletehere's the thing: you are right where you are supposed to be. i'm not very christ-y, but i do believe that we are all right where we are supposed to be. and if we decide we need to change where we are, then that new place is right where we are supposed to be.
ReplyDelete(take that with a grain of salt: i moved to pennsyl-frickin-vania...but i'm trying to embrace the concept nonetheless.)
think of the crying not as crying, but as growing. easy to say, i know, when you aren't the mom and its not your kid crying. but maybe it will make it a little bit less horrible? i hope?
susan
Good Grief! the pictures broke my heart, so I don't blame you for having a hard time with the crying. It is hard, Mama! And "screw you, Autism!"
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. Sending you love & wishing you happiness. Jennifer