Thursday, April 4, 2013

be like tree

Many days are hard. I'm counting down the minutes until bed time. I feel like I'm tired and I'm just doing it all wrong because it should be so easy...but it's so...not.... Not because of Autism- heck no- just because I'm a Mom. I don't soak up the details- I'm not in Mothering bliss...I make it out alive. Some days that's how I define a job well done... Keeping us alive... Being a parent is a honor and a gift -yes- but that doesn't mean it isn't hard. Mentally and physically...really, really hard...

Today was one of those days...Not bad- just off...

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Random rain threw me off and I was going from place to place in a whirl...At one point I was looking for my sunglasses and couldn't find them- so I grabbed my backup pair- and then caught this view reflected in my car window... Look on my head...

Today I let Grey out of his car seat in our neighborhood to watch the construction.

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He is so fascinated by it all... 

I just watch him- fascinated...and I want to tell him just how much he means to me...but words aren't his primary language...but I need him to know in words because it's mine.. Today I told him- make Mommy so happy...You make Mommy jumping... Because he loves jumping so much and I hope he could understand that the way he feels about jumping is the way I feel about him...Times a million infinity..

After the rain cleared we played in the backyard with Rice Flour. Many children with Autism have what specialists call sensory integration issues. They can range from hypo to hyper and are often a mixture of the two. Greyson HATES the light touch of brushing his hair but loves the heavy pressure of strong hugs and squeezes...He hates walking barefoot in grass but he LOVES playing with flour. 

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We haven't noticed any sensory issue in Parker, however most Autism behaviors don't peak  until 2 1/2 or 3 years of age.

My most sacred of Parenting moments often come right before they go to bed...Clean and jammied and smelling like clean perfect cotton linen home. And since bedtime is our last interaction of the day I somehow trick myself into thinking that the whole day was this much bliss... Tonight I was sitting and staring at Parker... Soaking in the perfection of him.  The fact that his eye brows wound up in exactly the right place with brilliant flecks of varying shades of white and gold amazed me. The fact that his pupils know when to dilate and when to constrict. Brilliant... The human body and the way it all works together is amazing...It's a miracle that right now as you read this your lungs know to breath in and out and your heart knows to beat and all these processes like cell renewal and brain function is occurring without you having to control a single thing.

It's a great reminder to this control freak...Psssst...Hey you- you are not responsible for the everything... It's all gonna be alright.

God is amazing... He made babies and the World and the trees and animals and Starbucks. He made you...and I thought a lot about the post I wrote the other day about accepting our imperfections in the mirror and I thought- God even made me, complete with my sometimes short circuits and imperfections...It's funny- we would never alter the physical appearance of a tree... We would never say- That tree would look so much more amazing if I painted the trunk blue- or threw glitter in it...Dyed the leaves silver instead of green...put bows on top of the flowers... We just say- There is a tree, and God made it and it is perfect just as it is.

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Let's be like trees, Friends...because we already are...perfect the way God made us.

I saw this picture on Facebook...

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And I thought- Huh? And I must admit I don't understand most of the Autism pictures I see.  

Autism is not the tragedy? It's not? Tragedy is defined as an event causing great suffering, destruction, and distress. In my opinion, Autism most certainly is a tragedy. It doesn't mean our Life can't be amazing and it doesn't mean that it hasn't opened my eyes to so many beautiful and wonderful things...But I would pick for it to be gone in an instant... And ignorance is simply a lack of knowledge about a particular subject, but in our World it's turned into a bad word- or a name calling. There is an implication that people who don't know things about Autism are stupid or bad people...that people who turn to look at a child screaming their lungs out like they are on fire are bad...  Before Greyson- I knew Autism existed but that was about it...I was ignorant about Autism but not because I didn't care about the World and about the people in it. 

Why learn about something that doesn't directly affect you? I prefer to share real honest awareness about Autism here...What it looks like and feels like for us. And the fact that you are here reading makes you pretty amazing in my book...and in my blog too... 

Have a great weekend...


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  1. Wow Chrissy, your writing is always wonderful but this piece is especially amazing. Keep going, Girl!

  2. So, I keep thinking about my "It's not about you" comment. I feel like it may have come off way more "w"itchy than I intended. What I meant was, maybe by framing participation in pictures to be more about your sons, it may be easier to do it, because I know there is nothing you wouldn't do for them.
    I think you rock. I admire the passion you have to create a better world for your sons to live in, by spreading knowledge and sharing your brutiful life. :)
    Love & happiness to you, Jennifer

  3. The best thing we can do for ourselves and our children is remember exactly what you said. God made us they way we are, and like trees, we are all different and the same. And we are all beautiful the way we were intended to be. Also, I do not have children with Autism, but started reading your blog about 5 months ago. In that time I have learned so much, and there is a special place in my heart for the autism cause. Because of you and your beautiful boys. My kids were dressed in head to toe blue on April 2. And even if nobody else we ran into that day noticed, or knew why, I did.