fishing

Yesterday was excruciating... 


No sugar or sprinkles on top of that one... And it was chained on top of a few exhausting and difficult days in a row...And on top of being terrible- yesterday I had copious amounts of guilt that I was so incapable of happy on Parker's birthday.

My mind knows how unproductive guilt is- but my heart doesn't- and I often think with my heart. I had forgotten all about the- Oh I had two good days in a row girl and Life. I looked for what was wrong with my Life... And if you look for bad you will always find it... I have to remember to look for good. Sometimes it's hard... 

And I seriously couldn't get happy, and I thought I would never find happy again... And I am so horrible at unhappy...but yesterday I was fantastic at it... And I looked in every nook and cranny within- looking for my happy. And today reminded me that my happy is rarely within... It's on the outside- and I have to go out there and find it. Like Thoreau said, Many go fishing without knowing it is fish they are after.


Today I guess I went fishing...I did school pictures for Greyson's once a week preschool, Part one. Oh Friend there is nothing like being around a bunch of 2, 3, 4 and 5 year olds to pull you out of your head.

Taking their pictures was an honor...each one as unique as tonight's setting sun. Some talkative, some shy, some scared. I adored asking them questions...How old are you? What's your favorite color? What do you like on your pizza? whie I took pictures.....

I am not a turn your head this way put your shoulders back, let's sit up straight kind of photographer... I prefer to let you be you and then I capture what I see...Some people like everything perfect and clean and lined up perfectly in its place... With me, you may get a picture with a hair out of place or a shirt collar bent imperfectly- but if you like my style of Life and of photography- you won't even notice those parts. It's not for everyone...

The kiddos... They made me laugh...they made me happy...they made me hopeful about the future. They still have so much white canvas waiting for brightly colored paint... They made me realize they are a lot like Greyson and different too...And more the same than different in many ways... I took Greyson's little Guardian Angel's picture today too... We will call her Sissy... I was overwhelmed with the response I had to her kindness and heart from you- my blog friends... She struck a chord. I think we all know the importance of that one person who can make all the difference in the World...no voice is too small... I shared the story with her Momma because I knew she would be so proud and she deserved to hear Good job...Two words infrequently heard by most Mom and Dads... 

Sissy saw me today and her eyes lit up... Is Greyson here today?! She asks immediately... No- He will be here tomorrow though, I say... Can I call him on his birthday? She asks me.. Of course you can. It's June 7th I tell her... Oh- OK... she says and it's obvious she is concerned... Do you have my Mom's number? Can you call her and tell her? 
I will make sure I tell her, I say.

Tomorrow when Greyson is here if he wants I can draw him another car... She said smiling...

I think Greyson would love that, Sissy, You have no idea how happy you make me...I tell her. Because it's the truth...

And there are Sissys all over the World...Children who make Momma's hearts like mine happy...and maybe you don't have a child with Super Powers...but you can raise a little Sissy... Children learn not to judge- by watching us not judge...Children learn it's alright to not be perfect- by watching us be OK with not being perfect...Children learn to shake it off-by watching us shake it off...Children learn to help others by watching us help others...The key is in our hands...

Sometimes I don't know how much to share about Greyson...I'm a firm believer that mold can't grow where the light shines...So I shine a light on it. And for me personally- keeping something a secret feels shameful- and I am not ashamed of our story... But sometimes I don't know when it's appropriate to say something and when it isn't- until after I say it... Like the Lifeguard in Hermosa probably didn't need to know... awkward... me- laughing right now...



Greyson loves little houses and bird houses... and the Life Guard stand was his little slice of Heaven... He ran up the walkway and the Lifeguard asked him if he wanted to come inside. 






The Lifeguard started asking him questions and Greyson just explored and didn't respond... 

He can't talk...He's Autistic...He often doesn't make eye contact either...

Why did you just say that? Why did you mention that about eye contact? That was weird... JUST STOP TALKING NOW.... The 23 year old Life Guard DOES NOT need to know all of this, Chrissy... So then I start babbling to compensate... He sure does love the ocean though... Boy is it cold out...

Teachers, Doctors, Babysitters... Yes- need to knows...

Lifeguards... Probably not... 

Still learning...

But that same oversharing part of me wanted to write a letter to go home with all the kids in Greyson's Typical school classroom... Thank goodness I'm not... But I still thought it... I just have so much to say to the people raising the Future...

And I'd write,

Dear Mother and Father,

Parenthood... It's a wild and crazy ride so far, right? It's so much better and so much harder than I could have ever imagined... My son Greyson goes to school with your child one day a week. Greyson doesn't go to school to learn his colors or letters or numbers. Greyson goes to school to learn how to learn and to learn how interact with the other kids... Greyson has Autism- which makes it hard for him to be around other children. Every interaction he has with your child teaches him immeasurable lessons. Please feel free to talk to your child about Greyson... Greyson is different from his peers and children notice that even at this young age... Greyson can't talk, he has a Special Education Shadow with him in class, he sometimes lays on the floor and screams when he is frustrated from being unable to communicate, he has trouble sharing and interacting- those are some ways Greyson is different.  ...and Greyson taught me that different can be beautiful...I hope he is able to teach your child that too. Greyson loves to run and paint, he loves playing with cars and trains, he loves playing in the sand and in the water..he loves to be hugged and tickled... Those are some ways he he is the same. 



Greyson's light is so bright it sometimes hurts my eyes...


If you choose to discuss Greyson with your child, use terms appropriate for their age...Using a word like Autism may be too heavy right now... Greyson can't talk, so every time he hears your child talk, it's a sweet little lesson in learning for my son. I am so grateful that Grey has this opportunity for learning... Your child teaches my son things he can't learn from a book- things he must see it in action... Teachers can look like so many different things... I am humbled, grateful and honored for the opportunity Greyson has to learn from your sweet little one. If you have any questions at all- please feel free to contact me.

Sincerely,

Chrissy Kelly

________________________


Presents in the mail today meant we got to continue to celebrate Doodle's birthday...





Thanks for the shirt Aunt Katie and Uncle Eric! It goes perfectly with my Super Powers...



And his reaction to this truck that spins and goes on it's own- blaring music and blinking lights- was awesome... First tears- then quiet and still fascination...









Thanks Mom and Dad! 

Time to go edit some pictures of my new little preschool Friends... Can't wait for part 2 tomorrow...


Love Chrissy