Monday, April 29, 2013

spots

I woke up today with my head heavy and foggy...Pressure in my chest and head and ears...

Allergies...a cold...I don't know what it is but it feels yucky... And I couldn't call in sick so I Mom'ed anyway... And this morning I told myself, Today your best can be 48%...No need for 100... and 110% is certainly out of the question...


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Today while Parker was napping-- Grey and I layed by the pool and relaxed...It certainly helped the funk...


This weekend we went to the greatest Birthday party ever... It was at a magical place called Play Land and it was shut down just for the party... Parties can be tricky-- overwhelming, overstimulating experiences for Grey...and getting out the door with Gluten free foods and special cupcakes for the boys always turns into an undertaking--and when they end up hating it- it's so disappointing... But we have to keep trying- so we do...

And parties like this made it all so worth it...

Greyson enjoyed all the rides...

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Unlimited rides on the train was Grey's favorite thing in the Universe...


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And therefore mine too...

And they just happend to have lots of food that was already Gluten/Dairy/Soy free...

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Doodle was in heaven...


The weekend also brought goodness in the form of Parker's first hair cut...

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He was thirsty...so resourceful...

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I love it...And him...

Afterwards we went mattress shopping... The gal working at the store didn't know what hit her...

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I am a big believer in dessert for dinner sometimes, for staying in your jammies late on the weekend and jumping on the bed... It's too fun not too... I would have Grey jump on the beds we liked to see if he approved.

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This one was apparently exceptional...


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And our weekend ended with a brand new bubble machine... Bubble Machine number 2,365....We burn through them pretty fast...



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I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles... from Knocked up the movie...



The funk + Zyrtec has zapped me of adjectives... Which is OK because what's left is clear and honest.
And perhaps it's because of the funk that I can tell you about the spots... The spots I dare not mention because what a weird thing to write about and even more so- to think about. The spots I do not allude to- because I thought Autism gave me new perspective and made me not care about little unimportant things...the things that I know don't matter in my soul's heart...

But I don't need you to think of me as anyone but me... And sometimes me focuses on things that I know are stupid...but feel very important at times.

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Sometimes I get spots of Vitiligo...Vitiligo is a condition where pigment in your skin is lost...there's no apparent reason for it but some connect it to stress... In the past year I went from having a couple of spots to many... And a couple even started to show up on my face...I go to the dermatologist to treat them in the hopes that the pigment will come back... So far- I've had pretty great success... But I was selecting pictures to submit for an article that Central California's Family First Magazine is doing on our Family, and I could see the white spots on my hand in this one and that bothered me... So I tried to erase them in editing--and my hand ended up looking a little like an Alien... So I said screw it and picked another picture.

And today I decided to really say Screw it... The spots aren't my boss anymore...and I knew if I wrote about it- then a light would shine on it...and I won't be scared and in the dark anymore...

And truuuuuusssst me sister...I've been around long enough to know it has nothing to do with the spots... It's a sense of worthiness we need to continue to groom and grow despite our imperfections. It's learning how to love our entire package self...

And I know that you have your spots too... Things that take so much energy to hate... Things that you would be so embarrassed if other people knew how often thoughts of it occupied your mind...

I think that we all work so hard to hide the things we are ashamed from others, but the truth is we desperately want to show people our flaws- get it all out in the open and say- Here is the real me...a Me who isn't perfect... Will you please still love me anyway?

We are desperate to tell the truth and still be loved...

And I don't want you to tell me my spots aren't bad or ugly or terrible... I just want you to understand and to get it because you have a wonky tooth, toe, ear or cousin...

The details are different for all of us... But we are so much the same....

Thanks for reading... I'm so glad you are here...

Love,
Chrissy




4 comments:

  1. Mark has "viti" as we call it too. It has spread to most of his body that sees the sun. Fortunately he is so fair it doesn't impact him too much other than making him more at risk of sun damage. What does the dermatologist do for it? We didn't know there was much that could be done. Also, it's true about the flaws. I love your blog. Come visit me at the ocean in pismo sometime!!

    Xoxo Jeffra

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  2. We are desperate to tell the truth and still be loved...
    You nailed it. We don't want to hear - "Nuh-uh, that's not true" We want to hear - "Yep, that is exactly who you are and it doesn't make you unlovable". Growing up we so deperately want to fit in that being different, looking different, thinking differently is horrible & certainly not to be embraced. Then we get that those are the things that make us who we are, but we are scared those are so different that no one could possibly love or even like us if they knew. Then we figure out that we aren't really so different - but we only get there by sharing our differences. Boy - that is a good place to be. I'm just sorry it took so long to get there. I wonder what the next step is...
    Love & happiness to you Mama! Jennifer
    PS - couldn't LOVE today's pictures more. thank you for sharing.

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  3. we are all learning to love our entire package self. sometimes its easier than others. trust me, i have wonky ears. susan from pa

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  4. Love it. I, apparently, have really strange eyes. My allergies were acting up this evening, and when I showed my husband that my left eye was almost swollen shut, his reply was "I don't see what's different". Ummm... nice. Ha! I also love Parker's new haircut - so cute! Hugs to you.

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