Not the whole rest of my Life for forever....
That's what I think in the moment...that the unhappy is my new Life sentence...The fear that things will always feel this hard...That feeling where you know you're failing as a parent...you know you are screaming too much...you know you are making the wrong choices and saying the wrong things in the wrong way- but you're so far committed to the crazy that you just go with it. Tonight I yelled...a lot... I threw an airplane of Grey's on the ground and broke it I was so mad... I ran and hid from Parker because all he wanted was for me to hold him, and I yelled at Grey so much that I even scared Parker...
And at 7pm when the doorbell rang- I swear I thought- Ohmygosh...the neighbors called the police on me for yelling so much...
Shew... Only UPS...
But that gives you an indication of the guilt I must have been feeling... And I was going to go through the details of what made Greyson so impossible... but really- the details aren't important...not to mention they always sound comical in retrospect...
The details are never important... And chances are the thing that makes us CRA-CRA Crazy is the same thing the same child has done 100 other times when you were in a good mood- and it was fine... It was bearable...You correct the behavior and keep your cool...
Have you ever noticed that?- sometimes when a Friend is telling you about their stressful day-- although you are nodding and interjecting with the appropriate Oh mys... Oh no's...It sounds kind of comical...
Really? She threw gummy bears at her and one got stuck in her hair? Oh my...
The rice burned? Oh no! What did you end up doing?
He spilled an entire glass of juice on the clean floor and wouldn't put his toys away and talked back? That's terrible- Oh no...
PMS'ing and Mom'ing don't mesh well.
I just needed 15 minutes to not be needed today... It would have made all the difference... I laid down in my bed at 5pm and turned on Yo Gabba Gabba... I just needed to lay there... But Parker kept climbing on my head to bounce up and down...He thinks it's hysterical... And so I put a pillow on my head to block him- hoping he would forget I was even under there.... so then he kept knocking on the pillow... Which stands for Open in speech therapy... Good generalization Parker... But please...
LEAVE ME ALONE... I announce...
All the while Greyson was on my back.... PLEASE GET OFF ME... OFF!!!! OFF!!!! GET OFF!!! And he would walk back and forth... and they both thought it was hysterical as they bounced and walked on me...and now that I type that- I think it is hilarious too...But at the time I was near tears...
Only today was hard... Not forever... And the tough was mostly just in the afternoon and evening... oh-- and some of the morning... OK-so besides the morning, afternoon and evening- today was fine...psshhhhhh...
Today Greyson and Parker had ABA therapy at the ABA place... Once a month each boy has an hour long status meeting-and both meetings were today... I ended up staying the whole morning so I could watch them in action too...
Grey during his meeting...So surfer boardroom ...
These meetings are a good opportunity to see big picture what the boys have been able to accomplish and where they need more work.
I am happy that a lot of ABA is fun for the boys... Not all of it- but a good sized portion...
We went into the reading room and while I was in there I picked up this book...
Can you believe I've never read it before?
I did for the first time today...and I cried...I cried for everything that is and was and will be... I cried for how good I love my boys and I cried for how much they will accomplish in the World... I cried for how much they already have.... They are the greatest story I've ever written... I cried....tears falling down my face... in front of Greyson and his 20-something male Teacher...Me-sitting on the floor, reading and crying...
Apparently Dr. Suess and PMS'ing don't mesh well either...
We rushed back home for the afternoon ABA shift, and things just started to cascade down from there...
So in summary...This evening I was a shitty Mom... I am sometimes...
Instead of feeling guilty- I'm honestly just going to do better tomorrow...
Your mountain is waiting too...
Love,
Chrissy
Not a shifty mom you are a human being with feelings. Feelings that allow you to be sad mad angry etc. But most of all To LOVE LOVE LOVE. and to be loved by those who care and love you. We have all been shifty moms at some point just ask my kids!
ReplyDeleteI've lived this very same day all too many times. Sometimes I think I'll rip my hair out if I hear, "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy..." one more time. And when it is finally silent and the last one is finally asleep, I peak in and think, "they are so sweet. It wasn't all that bad, right?"
ReplyDeleteWhen I have those days, and at the end of the night I'm crying and thinking about what a monster I am, I try to remember a time from my own childhood that my mom lost it. I know she did sometimes, by her own admission, but I can't remember. Not one single time she screeched uncontrollably over something crazy. So I figure as long as I keep trying, my son will remember my sweet moments more than my crazy ones too.
ReplyDeleteOh, man...I totally know days like this. My kids like to walk on me too. :) And our little apartment is so small I can't get away from them, and then they'll all want me at the exact same time, and I just have to hide in the bathroom from them, or start screaming. My 20-month old shrieks in this awful, high-pitched way if she doesn't get what she wants. So there's been a lot of screeching going on...:) But we hang in there, and tomorrow is a new day, right?
ReplyDeleteOh, Mama :( I hate those days. I hate when the crazy Mom takes over. I worry that he is truly going to think, "My Mom is seriously crazy". Like this morning, I am literally peeling him off of me at daycare drop off. Saying things like "Knock it off". I thought -WOW! What a Witch I must seem. But, my logical mind knew I had to be tough because I knew he was playing me. But I thought, why couldn't I have snugged him & said something soothing. Yuck! what a crummy way to start the day!
ReplyDeleteYou, sweet mama, are the perfect mom for those boys. You know how I know? Because God chose you, as their mother. He knows about that stuff and wouldn't trust his angles to anyone else.
Love & happiness to you & your beautiful boys (all 3 of em) - Mrs. Miracle ;)
Of course I meant angels, not angles :( C'mon spellcheck!
Deletei do it too: i over-react about something stupid (but that has happened a zillion times already and i can't take it one more second) and act crazy-- at some point pretty much every day. and i feel bad about it every day. and i'm sick of telling my husband about it at the end of the day and him just looking at me like "uh huh" and thinking i'm crazy too. its the hardest job in the world, it really is. susan from pa
ReplyDeleteI am sorry but i just cracked up about Parker wanting to sit on your head! My toddler does it too....and it is sometimes hard to breathe and i make her get off..only for her to scamble on top of me :D. You are NOT a shitty mom...i think we mothers set our standards too high. We are humans and have a range of emotions. It is okay to get angry at your kids....i know hard on us, but sometimes they need to respect and understand boundaries.
ReplyDelete