Thursday, May 2, 2013

o captain my captain

Today during a short break between dropping the boys off for therapy and my physical therapy appointment I went walking... New streets and new smells of summer greeted me...honeysuckle and roses filled the air and it felt like full blown- drink from the faucet- Summer..and I was happy. 

I walked by a Starbucks and a bagel place- both scattered with tables of white haired men gathered to solve the problems of the world.  They talked and laughed and fiddled with coffee cups emptied long before ...

That's because he's a Republican one said and the whole table exploded into laughter...and I walked by smiling and looking on... I knew they could teach me a lot. Time gives us so much perspective and perspective gives us the meaning of Life. Those men seemed to have nothing but time- and it reminded me--One day I too will have long periods of time to fill...and I will miss- honest to goodness genuinely miss the crazed, hurried, hectic pace of the life I know today.

In Physical therapy I am working to strengthen my core. New muscles are coming alive with soreness with each session. I relish that sore because that means I am activating parts the parts that need to be to make me better...The parts that have been feeling purposeless and unused for too long. Crazy little tiny stomach and back muscles. 

I'm surprised at the sheer number of people I meet who have unused emotional muscles...people who lack the ability to say how they feel. How they really really feel. They are always I'm fine while the real part lies still inside...and sometimes that real part is actually far from fine. They rarely say what they really think and feel and hope. They rarely say I screwed up. They rarely say a real I'm so sorry. They just ignore it and hope it floats away...they rarely say I need you or you are important to me or that hurt my feelings. Their emotion muscles are unused... 

I believe saying is so much better than not saying. I believe people deserve to hear the truth- not just what they want to hear. For some that will mean going outside of your comfort zone and getting some unused muscles sore.


This morning my phone died... Not the battery- the whole darn phone... I was without a phone for most of the day... Panic...And part of it is because I can't not have a phone when I'm away from the boys... I was so afraid I almost drove back to the ABA place and sat outside waiting for them... Luckily I talked myself off that ledge... They will be OK- I kept telling myself... And they were... 


Tonight we went to the mall with the water thingies outside- to replace my phone...May it rest in peace...

And it was like Christmas was cancelled... Sorry folks, Parks closed...

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No water tonight... And Grey just stayed there forever... waiting...I tried to explain but he's not so big on words...

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Apparently going to bed early is not synonymous with getting more sleep. Sunday night it sounded like Michael stepped on a plastic fork and it snapped... 

What was that? I asked. 


A board in our bed just cracked, he said... 


And just of few minutes later when I was downstairs I heard a sound as loud as a tree falling in our bedroom... Michael's half of the bed had fallen to the ground...I quickly ran upstairs and Michael and I were gasping for air it was so hilarious...


And that is one of those random- who has time to buy a new bead frame on the fly? So we took the mattress off the remaining board on my side and laid it on the floor to even it out... So we are sleeping on our mattress on the floor... and it's kind of cool and platform and different... It reminds me of the scene in one of the greatest of movies- Dead Poet's Society...Set in 1959, A Life changing English teacher, John Keating (played by Robin Williams) stands on his desk and asks his students...


Why do I stand up here? Anybody? I stand upon my desk to remind myself that we must constantly look at things in a different way.



And honestly... My bed on the floor reminds me to look at Life in a different way... 



The nightstands are suddenly up high...I have to stand up to get out of bed instead of step down...the whole room looks different... Sometimes our Life needs that same perspective.

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But Jack the dog doesn't know what to do with himself and the change...At night he gets up to get a drink of water- and can't remember how to get back in the bed because it's 2 feet lower....so he just sits there and growls until I wake up and pick up his 40 lb body and lift him into bed...Oh Jack...

Jack reminds me that sometimes Change actually makes life easier- but I am so caught up on focusing on the fact that it's a change that I don't realize it's better...



And last night that happened twice with Jack...and before that Belle the dog decided that she needed to go outside...it's in the 80's at night here- and it's already too hot for Belle- so she pants so loudly and gets in and out of the bed, and drinks a ton of water and annoys the hell out of me...

So, this is my last night of making it in bed by 10pm... I miss my alone time at night...and besides I'm still tired during the day anyway... 


I've got a date to finish the Great Gatsby now...

Have a good great weekend...


XOXO

Chrissy





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