crazy

I was six months pregnant Parker... patiently waiting for our pizza to be delivered. A promise of 30 minutes left us still empty handed 45 minutes later.

Call them...I brusquely demand to Michael.

Find out where in the Hell our pizza is. Are they going to Italy? I could have walked there and back- IN HIGH HEELS by now. 

I was serious about food....

Michael: Hello- My name is Michael Kelly and I was supposed to

Me: Tell them we ordered over 30 minutes ago.

Michael: I'm sorry- I couldn't hear you- my wife was talking. What was that?

Me: Tell them I'm PREGNANT. Let them know I'm pregnant. TELL THEM.

Michael (while covering mouthpiece on phone)- I can't hear them. Please stop talking. Why didn't you just call them since you have so much to say?

Finally, 15 minutes later our pizza arrived...

I urgently pull back the lid of the piping hot box and recoil in disgust.

OOOOOOOO!!!!! They put CANNED mushrooms on our pizza...CANNED!!!! We just ordered from them last week and the mushrooms were fresh. Canned mushrooms are so fricking DISGUSTING. I can't eat this. Ughh- even looking at them makes me SICK. I'm going to pass out I'm so hungry. Who uses CANNED MUSHROOMS?!!! 

Michael hesitantly suggests I try taking off the mushrooms ... which I attempt- but then all the cheese came off too...in big heaps... and I start to cry- REAL TEARS... and then just start ripping all the toppings of of the pizza- throwing fist fulls of cheese back in the box...full on weeping...


Yes, that's how crazy I felt today.

Crazy, crazy, crazy...Crazy and just plain off....Off my game and off my rocker.

It started out badly. At 3:30am I woke up in a panic. I had a dream that Greyson went to school. I was dropping off his lunch which he had forgotten at home. I walked into his classroom and I see Greyson far in the distance. There were two boys on either side of him and they were attacking him. I repeatedly yell out his name... GREYSON!!! but he doesn't look up. He can't yell for help. He can't tell anyone. I scream to his Teachers for help...but they are far away and they weren't watching him like I do.

And I realized I was in a dream- and I worked like mad to pry my eyes open again and again until it finally worked... And I am left awake and sick to my stomach...thick with fear- because that dream felt so very real to me...and there is a part of me that I stuff so far down inside- that worried every day I dropped him off when he went to school- because if anything were to ever happen to him- he could not tell me... Scary, horrible, terrible things...and he could not tell me...

And I wasn't allowed in his real classroom without advance notice and an escort- and that always made me feel incredibly unsettled. And I realized then that school policies are non-negotiable and you just have to take it...or leave... And I think rules are made to be fixed- if they are already broken.

Michael left early this morning for a 6am flight to Florida. Hearing him leave had me up again- thinking about my dream which at the time felt like my whole life....As did Parker's cries at 6:30am. My poor, sweet Doodle was covered in hot dog barf- which clearly happened hours and hours before.



Unexpected project #1... De-barfing Parker's sheets, bed and room...



Later in the morning I hear a loud crash in the bathroom. A floating shelf crashed onto our toilet- shattering the porcelain lid. Shards of sharp glass covering the toilet and floor.







Unexpected project #2...Sweeping, vacuuming, mopping.


Finally I am ready to deposit a barf covered Parker into the tub... I run the water and put Doodle in- then I go to get Greyson so he can take a bath at the same time- and as I walk back into the bathroom- I see strange toys all over the tub...and on closer inspection realize- those aren't toys...it's poop... Parker pooped the tub...




Unexpected Project #3... Scrubbing and bleaching the tub and toys that were in the tub.



Greyson in the newly cleaned tub.


And today I felt so alone... sometimes the silence is loud and lonely... Sometimes it's all just too much.

And the Angels shined down from the Heavens because Olivia the babysitter came home from college and came over the watch the boys later this afternoon...I didn't care if I went and sat in the car with the air conditioning on alone...I had to leave... And there is a part of me that feels like such a fraud Mom sometimes- because I can't handle my kids on my own too long without a break. Even just having someone here to help me makes such a huge difference.


I'm going to set a goal... Tomorrow I will not yell all day long. It will be hard. I was going to try for the whole week at first... HAHAHAHAHHAHA. Man- sometimes it scares me how boiled my blood gets with Greyson. All I want to do is scream. So here are the rules: I am allowed to scream by myself in the bathroom or in the backyard- but not at the boys... Would you like to join me for yell-free Monday?

Unexpected blessing #1 today...Parker playing with the dogs... He made me so happy...







Every time Jack the dog- only Jack- got his food he would laugh his head off. Greatest thing ever.



With a Sunday like today- I'm not even worried about Monday. Hope the World treats you kind.


Love,
Chrissy