Monday, June 3, 2013

I love yelling

I love that instant after you're in the unbearably ice cold grocery store or movie theater- you know- when you first step outside into the welcoming hot sun. You suddenly get feeling back into your limbs...The tips of your fingers are alive and grateful...The warm blacktop under foot reminds you everything is gonna be alright. 

I hope you have that same feeling of comfort here. I'm glad you're around.

I made it through Yell Free Monday with a total of 3 1/2 outbursts. At first I labeled that Failure- but then realized 3 1/2 is loads better then 4,332. Greyson knew what I was doing today. He must have. He was ready to break me. 

Parker has Behavior Therapy until noon and Speech Therapy at 2:30. I have a very tiny window to feed him lunch and get him to nap before we have to leave at 2:15. I always end up waking Parker from his nap as it is- which breaks my heart... This afternoon in the 5 minutes I spent rocking Parker, chaos occurred in the kitchen. 

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Greyson had stripped naked, pooped on the carpet and broken a carton of eggs...


Deep breathing... Deep breathing... No yelling.... Deep breathing... 

I pick Greyson up, set him outside and calmly say, You are a bad boy. You need to go outside

So anti climatic... Boy did I need a stiff yell right then... Greyson has no idea what a boy is, nor does he know what bad means. My words meant nothing...I see Grey outside through the window, overjoyed and playing in the water table... I quickly realized making him stay outside naked while I cleaned up the mess is the greatest reward- there is... 

Not my smartest move... He's winning- I whisper under my breath.

Throughout the day he would pick up items- my phone, games, drinks- and then throw them- making eye contact and smirking the entire time... 

Does he secretly read my blog? I wondered... I swear he's trying to get me to yell. I breathed deeply... again and again...making sure to keep lips clenched tight.

I had to bring Greyson with me to Parker's speech session this afternoon. 

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At first I kept the door open so I could watch Parker but Greyson wouldn't stop screaming. Then I just cracked the door because Parker was getting distracted by the noise we were making. Greyson screamed and yelled a total of 472 times. OK- maybe it wasn't that many. I couldn't count and not yell all at the same time. It's very difficult to do anything else while not yelling.  Greyson kept looking at me with a smirk- waiting for my reaction. I kept it cool...

No yelling... deep breathing...

My last yell occurred at approximately 7:28 pm. I can't leave Greyson alone in a room with Parker. I can do it for a minute or two here and there. This evening I was putting laundry away upstairs- 2 minutes at a time... I hear Parker's scared/hurt cry and I literally throw the laundry in my arms and run. Greyson had pushed Parker over on the ground. I grabbed Greyson and got all You can't handle the truth Jack Nicholson on him. From 2 centimeters away from his face I growl,


Nobody lays a hand on my Doodle. That yell was justified and necessary.

So at the end of this long day, like Doogie Howser MD, I stop to ponder the lessons I learned and type... I think I need to yell. Not the constant crazy woman yell- just a good yell here and there... Right now I'm tense, on edge, frustrated and exasperated- with 100 unyelled yells clinging to my bones... 

I also realize Greyson's constant checking in for my reaction after doing wrong means that he is positively reinforced when I yell at him. He has grown accustomed to it in fact. And the more I didn't yell today- the more he acted out. I need to break that so he won't act out as much.

The good part of trying to refrain from yelling- meant that I stopped, paused and questioned before yelling...and many, many of my yells can be replaced with a calm request instead- which keeps me happier and calmer too. 

Just not when he messes with Doodle.

And in between Life came more Life...with a little less stress...

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The bubble machine gets their attention every time...

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He tries to eat the bubbles as they come out...I'm pretty sure he thinks thats the whole point of a bubble machine.

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Sometimes I feel weird about praying to God for stuff. No- I don't mean stuff stuff- like Tory Burch shoes or anything- but if that's allowed- God, how cute would I look in these?

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I mean stuff like Please make Greyson talk...or my old prayer- Please make Parker not have super powers... I mean isn't God already going to do or not do what he's going to do or not do already? So mostly I just try and pray for strength and hope and patience and faith and understanding in any situation. That way I don't feel like He let me down when something bad happens-like Parker actually having super powers-  it means I just need to dig deep to find those gifts I pray for.

And when it comes to Parker, this quote by Heraclitus feels like home to me...

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.”

Although they both have Super Powers- they are still unique and different...When Parker was a year old- I kept saying, I can't do this again- over and over again...But I am realizing I am not doing this... I am just living my Life... I'm raising my boys... Although not easy- so far it is easier to digest the second time around. Everything tough is easier the second time around- even if you think it will kill you...

OK- Time to go watch mindless Bravo TV... HAVE A GREAT NIGHT!!!! 

(Sorry- I'm yelling again)...

Much Love,


1 comment:

  1. Sometimes I think you are narrating my life....the eggs, the poop, the yelling...I had my first ever trip away from my kids (same ages) Memorial Day weekend. I get it.