Tuesday, August 6, 2013

the little things

I want to do little things in this world. Many, many, many tiny little things. Every single day I want to remember to do little things. The little things that will accumulate and after time they will do the big things all on their own. The little things are like a practice, a daily prayer, a lifelong investment in what matters. A willingness to be disagreed with, irrelevant or ignored.
Because doing big things first, is like walking into a convenience store and saying-I'd like a winning lottery ticket, please. 

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Parker likes the little things too

This morning was dripping with thick and murky Mondayness. The tears were continuously right there at the surface. Exhausted from the lack of sleep in the hotel room with Parker, stressed about problems with the boy's therapy schedule, just sad about everything. I had a terrible kink in my neck making it hard to move my neck.

And I was trying so hard to be a big girl at my physical therapy appointment this morning. Doing my exercises, sniffling and hoping people just thought I had allergies. Deep breaths in weren't even working. And do you know that instant that someone does something kind --like give you a hug - and you just lose it? My therapist handed my a tissue, and after that the tears wouldn't stop. Like sneezing or blinking or breathing- they weren't a choice, I just did. And I'm so lucky to have passionate therapists that honestly care about me. I can feel it. 

And after the rain, the skies were so much prettier. Life made a lot more sense. I focused on today because the week and forever are just too far in advance. After-crying is my favorite.

On the way home from Los Angeles we stopped at an outdoor shopping experience called The Grove

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Doodle loved the 50,000 gallon water fountain the best

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It felt just like home to me. It also reminded me about something I don't like about LA. But it's really what I don't like about me that LA brings out- so it's really more me than LA. One thing in life that is important to me- I gotta own my stuff. Even my ugly stuff. I certainly don't want to blame my ugly stuff on anything or anyone else- because then I will never truly know myself or be able to change anything I don't like. 

I think one of the most important and divine things we are called to do in this World, is to truly get to know our real self. 

In Los Angeles, there is so much to do and so much to be. I get so distracted by what's important. I go out to a place like The Grove and I want everything and I want to do everything. I see people dressed up, They look so cute,I think. I should shower every day- heck, maybe even put on makeup more. I need those flip flops! And I walk by a yoga studio. No, I should NOT dress up more. I should be more natural. I should eat healthier, drink less coffee and soda, maybe even eat organic. I should totally buy a new pair of pants at Lulu for the new totally yoga me. No! I should eat amazing and delicious foods and not worry about being so healthy- life is short! 

Sometimes I think I need less distractions, less choices in order to make a good decisions.

But I loved it there too. I was retail buzzing and didn't even buy a thing. Except for candy. Which is everything.

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And cupcakes

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Grey's favorite part

I felt so connected with this diverse group of humans walking around.  Two tall and beautiful men were walking down the street, holding hands -and it made me so happy that they get to love out loud like that. I've never seen anything even close to that in Fresno. It breaks my heart to think of anyone that isn't accepted or loved for exactly who they are. And I know there are people that are gay in Fresno- and I hope they feel comfortable walking down the street holding hands. 

I've seen similarities with Gay and autism. And although I've always been open minded- this autism gig has bust my heart wide open for anyone that has felt the possible pain of different. Both are not a choice- they just are. Both have individuals that have felt like they were on the outside of the group at least once in their life. Both are misunderstood by some. Both may have mothers that when they realized what was- had to potentially picture a different future for their child- than from what they expected. I love people. I love all people. I want everyone to feel safe to be exactly who they are. I will not say I love gay people and straight people and black people and white people because they are all covered under that term of people. I think we all desperately need each other. We are desperate to be exactly who we are and loved.

The only struggle I have with love is mean people. It's hard for me to love mean people- but I'm working on it because it feels like the right thing for me to do.

I love Los Angeles too though. There's no small town people talking about you ruckus. I remember after we moved here, my birthday was coming up. I was down the street at the country club by my house taking a spin class. The instructor mentioned my upcoming "30th birthday". 

She isn't 30- she was born in 1973, one of the guys in class said. 

How do you know what year I was born? I asked laughing. 

Brooke, the woman who runs the fitness center looked on your application and told me. 

WHAT?! Why would anyone care what year I was born?! I asked Michael later that evening. Because its a small town, Chrissy. We are new blood. That's what happens

Check the Dollar store, they'll have it- Says EVERYONE. All the time. 

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And me and the dollar store is like a germ phobe is with germs. I am irrationally scared of it there. I never find anything I want. Or I find something that is almost what I wanted, but actually not even a little bit at all, but I buy it because I will NOT go to the Dollar store in vain. And their food and candy is all poisoned and moldy I think- that must be why it's there. And from the second I enter I can't wait to get out of there. And I walk out having no idea how I just spent $33 on almost not quite what I wanted.

So keep it in mind for your Tuesday. Get out there, you don't have to grab the world all at once. Just tiny little bits at a time.

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  1. The whole entire paragraph of you flip-flopping between who you "should" be had me cracking up laughing and saying, "Oh my god that is so totally me!!!!" I have fingernail envy a lot...when I see beautifully manicured nails I think, "I need to get my nails done!" and then when I see tan hands with short fingernails I think, "man I love those practical and strong, fit looking hands!" Too funny...happy Tuesday!

  2. There are so many things I want to say after reading this! First of all, your posts usually show up on FB after I've gone to bed, so reading your blog has become part of my morning routine and it never disappoints. What a great way to frame my day...reading your words! Secondly, I LOVE the colors in the photo of the candy store (and I would also have gone to town on some candy). Third, I absolutely love the paragraph about being gay and having autism. Some of the dearest people in the world to me are gay, and I am totally sharing this with them. Fourth, I identify with the feeling of wanting to be so many different things and having to shut out the distractions (definitely familiar with the LA vibe, but it exists up here in the Bay Area, too). And lastly, thanks for just putting yourself out there and being so honest. I've commented before, but I have a 3 (almost 4) year old with super powers, and I just relate to so much of what you say. Have a great day. XOXO

  3. I also hate dollar stores. I always *think* the dollar store is going to have exactly what I need. "I'm making spice rub for Christmas presents. Surely the dollar store will have cute little glass jars for my home made gifts!" No, all they have are tacky plastic containers and now I've run out of time for shopping and so I will buy those even though they look exactly like something that came from the dollar store. I am defeated.