Sunday, August 4, 2013

weekend away

Some days are really difficult. And some days are a string of difficult days all in a row. Exhaustion and frustration builds up so we must make a conscience effort to bring beauty and happy and everyday awesome into our lives.

Sometimes you write me and say reading my words makes you feel more normal, and at first I thought- Oh no! Why? Because I'm SO CRAZY that in comparison you feel really sane? Because sometimes that happens to me- I'll see someone REALLY insane on TV and think- WOW! Maybe I'm not crazy because that girl is CRAZY-CRAZY. Maybe I'm normal.

Oh this weekend. 

{deep, exhausted, happy everyday awesome sigh} 

This weekend we went to visit my dearest friend Wendy, who is moving to Hermosa Beach.

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I love sign. Greyson's favorite part of the drive every time we go. This sign. He just stands and watches it and flaps. Happy.

Yep, Hermosa Beach is where we used to live up until 3 years ago. Ironic. I realized hanging out with Wendy makes me feel normal, and I don't know why. Since we've moved to Fresno, she's just always been here. I can always count on her. I remember crying over mani pedis with her the day after Greyson was diagnosed with autism. Despite a hectic schedule and 4 kids she came over the day Parker failed his MCHAT. And I'm so glad because I needed her to-- despite the fact that it's so hard for me to say I need you to be with me. I need you to care. I need you to know to show up without me having to ask.  

She is my heart Friend, my wine night partner. She even reads the paper, so she's smart about the world and stuff. 

A few months ago Grey was sick, and I couldn't do anything for his sick and warm little body, but I could keep watch over him. I could be near him. I could breathe in and out with him. I couldn't take it away, but I could be there for the little things that mean the most, the gestures of love that make us feel loved and hoped for and prayed for and okay. More normal. Wendy has kept watch for me a million times, and I for her. It's not the grand gestures. It's the tiny little huge things that when added up equate to love.

And suddenly I realized what you meant about me helping you feel more normal. Grounded. Less alone. Connected. Human. Thank you for feeling human with me.

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Our time soaking up the sun and the beach, spending time with friends that feels like family and hanging in our old stomping grounds refueled my mind and the happy creative part of my soul.

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The only bad part about the beach, the calm, the sandy butt cracks and clean Jacuzzi tub that I didn't even have to scrub-- is that it made me realize how insanely stressful and busy my real life feels sometimes. I was scared to drive back because the beach me is sooo much more fun than the Monday through Friday me. 

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Uh oh, he got rolled, but he loved it.

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Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream

Which me is real? I wonder. The weekend me or the weekday one. I always have to be scheduled and on time and assertive and needed and constantly doing or getting or fixing or buying something. I have to deal with frequent Behavior Therapy changes and cancellations and meetings and a million other things and I often turn into a stressed out crabby witch sometimes. I am the project manager of Greyson and Parker, and like any job there are parts that are amazing, and parts that I hate. It's important that I keep it all in check.

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Three years ago little baby Greyson in a jogging stroller and I would run down to the beach on most nights. And just like it did this weekend, the funk from day to day life was washed away with each wave of the ocean striking the sand.

Our hotel was amazing. (minus the Doodle not sleeping part).

Grey's favorite part? 

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Up and down and up and down.

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Parker's favorite part

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The view overlooking the Pier where Michael and I first met.

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Grey's hotel ritual. He picks up the phone as soon as we walk in and I swear he is saying the same thing every time. All I can understand is Woah for hello.

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And for the first time in his whole entire life he poo'ed in the potty. It was a festivus miracle!!!! I was in the bath tub or I would have taken a picture of the amazing turd just for you! You would have thought we won the lottery with our reaction.

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It was so relaxing.

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...For three minutes until I had company. 

I thought of something on the drive home. God is all doing, all knowing all everything- right? He could make everything perfect even, right? How would that even work? Everyone would have the same house, same kind of kids? Would we all have to look the same and drive the same car? Would our houses be huge or tiny? Well- maybe in a perfect world we wouldn't care about the size of our house so they would all be small? I don't know.  

And suddenly the simple concept of a perfect world sounds very confusing and very lame. Which clearly God already figured out, so he instead decided to make life exactly like it is. He's so smart.

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But don't you sometimes kind of wish He would make life more like road signs? Concrete, no ambiguity. Do not enter. Go, stop, slow down. Walk this way.

Hope you have a Monday, Friend. And if you are lucky, I hope it is a good one.



PS- I am looking to hire a new friend named Wendy that must live in Fresno with no plans of relocation. Please find me on Facebook to inquire about the position- or just stop by to tell me I'm crazy.


  1. Your posts are amazing. I love the weekend me better...I wish I could bring some of the weekend me to Monday-Friday me. Then I wonder why I can't? I can...and am going to try to do that this week.

    I LOVED your bath tub shot with your boys...visitors...I always seem to have visitors as well. Two little girls find their way to mommy's 5 minutes of peace every time! That's just fine...

  2. You said it perfectly. You and your writing make me feel connected and less alone. Thank you for that. I also moved 3 years ago when jake was 10 months. I left a couple of heart friends and felt like I was on an island when we got the diagnosis and were in a new state all alone. I think posting about looking to fill the heart friend position is a great idea! :) we all need a "sister from another mister" friend. Praying your Monday goes more like a weekend and is full of smiles.

  3. YAY for the festivus miracle!!
    I work in the schools, so my "summer" me is definitely more fun than my "school year" me. :-)

  4. Hooray for pooping in the potty. My house had a pooping in the potty song & dance - admittedly mostly preformed by this happy momma & not so much the toddler & never by the husband (which is ok because I've seen him dance & it is painful).
    I could really use some signs right now myself, I've been feeling a little off path on my journey. I'm trying to keep faith that my path will be revealed. Life is good & He is good - I'm just a little less than right now.
    Oh friend! I would love to apply for the Wendy job (I just changed my last name, I could get used to a new first name). If it is still open in 14 years when I can relocate, I'm your Wendy ;) Til then I'll be Jen, your online friend :)
    Love & happiness to you, sweet momma. Jennifer

  5. do you reimburse for moving expenses? if so, i'd like to apply for the position. i even have experience living and friending in CA. susan from PA

  6. YOU are a breath of fresh air. Thank you for writing.

  7. Is Parker ever NOT smiling? I am his #1 fan. I could eat him up with a spoon!!