Sometimes I have days, even weeks that time goes by so very slow. For some reason- the past few days have been a blur of fast. Moments of time. I can almost see a flash as one moment passes to the next. Each one necessary to bring us to the right now. The person we are today.
Trash Truck Wednesday of this week went to a whole new level.
It started out regular...
And then went to absolute WOW. We met Frankie at the yard after he was done for the day.
Trucks as far as you could see. He was so happy he was literally shaking with delight. I was holding him as we walked up and I could feel him gleefully shuddering. His whole body- and his face- it looked like awe. He was jumping and flapping delight. Almost on the verge of too much- but not quite. Abundance. Who needs words when you can show how you feel? Show doesn't lie.
And if the past year of amazing and excruciating Life was a movie, this shot would be our closing credits. And he reminds me of just how pure the beauty is in his uncluttered world. Sometimes I honestly want to go to there. Autism. I want to beg God to let me feel what he feels and see the beauty and chaos that fills his mind. I want it to be tangible. Even if it's just a moment, God- I must know so I can understand my boy as fully as any human being can understand another. I think that's one of the worlds greatest gifts- the understanding of each other. I understand how you feel, words that make my soul sigh sometimes. Please God- if you could find a way to take me inside his mind...And since that hasn't happened yet, I must believe I am doing it as right as I can for him. We all must believe in things we can't always feel or see. It's an act in Life.
Our Thanksgiving Holiday was good but for unexpected reasons. It was far from perfect, and possibly because of that- its beauty more evident.
Unfortunately, this was my Thanksgiving feast. I stayed in bed all day long. Isn't it funny when your body knows that it's vacation and you are allowed to get sick. And except for feeling wonky, it was amazing to rest and watch deep old philosophical movies (Legally Blond and Somethings Gotta Give-wink face) for a whole entire day.
Which brings me to tonight... Evenings are a special ritual in my house. I know they are in yours too- even if it is just you. Even if it is just you and you feel unbearably lonely. You set your glasses on the nightstand after reading. You turn to your nightstand to turn off your light. Even if you have no idea of its beauty. It's breathtaking. Even if it is your children asking for one more drink or one more story or I'm hot, I'm cold-- and you are out of your mind annoyed and are just about to hot tea kettle scream all over the place. These things are a gift bestowed on us, the quiet rituals of unwind. The soft cool of our pillow. One day they will be fuzzy memories stored in a chest of painfully good but over and grown. I wish I could come to your house and photograph your nightly ritual to remind you of how much beauty it already contains.
Tonight we watched the movie, Life of Pi which undoes me every time....
Even the quotes wreck me, stopping my breath for a moment...
When you've suffered a great deal in life, each additional pain is both unbearable and trifling.
I read that and want to fall to my knees and ask, How did you know how to say that just so perfectly right? And I want to cry until I can't anymore, and I want those words to wrap around me until their goodness soaks in.
To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.
I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unnerving ease. It begins in your mind, always ... so you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you.
(all three quotes, Yann Martel, Life of Pi)
Every night during our ritual, Greyson stays in the bath...
While Parker gets out first and joins me on the bed as I write. He rolls under the covers with absolute squeals and glee. He climbs all over me and I pretend to be annoyed as I try to edit photos and type- but I love his attention. His skin, still naked...and so soft it is almost unbearable in its beauty. I breathe in that smell of him and pheromones flood my mind and for a moment- the endless and sometimes unbearable thinking stops...and all I do is feel.
And the next thing I know- like it's happening right now- the day is over, they are in bed, and I sit chatting with you. And suddenly everything went by so fast. Much, much too fast. But I can still detect the smell of baby Parker on my sheets, and the world is just right for a moment.
Time for bed. Have a wonderful weekend. Look for the beauty in your rituals. Make them your prayer.