Tonight's post is short. It's a sacred lesson to myself about showing up, even when it feels mucky. Especially when it feels mucky. Maybe it's just for you- the friend who doesn't think they can do it, but has to do it anyway. I laugh when people tell me they would write-- but they just can't find the time. I fit a little writing in between my daily massage and tennis lesson- while I'm eating bon bons. They thing about writing- if it's really important to you, you have to choose it, especially when it's inconvenient. You don't have to do it daily and you don't always have to share it, but you must commit to it. It's kind of that easy.
Although I still feel the pains of growing, I am starting to breathe again. I have an 18 inch scar on my back, and metal rods on either side of my spine. I had scoliosis growing up and I wore a back brace.
Yes, it was almost this bad. And yes, when everyone laughed at her in the movie Sixteen Candles I wanted to throw up.
Sometimes I still wake up from a dream and check to feel if my brace is still on in a panic. I was Judy Blume's Deenie and I constantly felt out of place... Different in a bad way.
Sometimes different is good. It took me a long, long time to realize that.
I wish I would have just spoken up then. I feel like a loser. Just one me too could have changed my entire trajectory. I thought you were supposed to hide your different. Sometimes I still forget and think that's true. I went to a Catholic all girls school. I would arrive early, first thing in the morning so I could remove my brace and hide it in my locker all day. And then I would wait until the bulk of kids left before I would put it back on again. It was supposed to be worn 23 hours a day. I didn't give it enough time to work so I ended up needing surgery. I don't regret it.
The surgery blew my fricking mind. When I woke up I wanted a gun so I could shoot myself, I couldn't bear the pain. They used metal and rods and hooks and screws to best pull and push and straighten my back. They took extra bone from my hip to be placed on my vertebrae, so it could fuse and grow together as straight as possible. They couldn't place the bone graph on healthy bone, it would never take. So they had to scrape the bones of my vertebrae raw until it bled. Only then could it bond with the bone graph and then grow stronger than it ever was in the first place. Sometimes the bloody and painful parts are needed so we can become stronger and healthier than ever before.
You are worth the journey and the wait. And so am I. This life thing? I'm pretty sure we're going to be okay. And by the way, I'm different. I sure hope you are too.