Wednesday, August 20, 2014

who cares?

August has me feeling hot and tired and like a big fat ball of lazy. I don't feel like taking pictures or writing or even adventuring.

Go to the park with the boys or just sit here and watch Cars for the 17th time this week? 
Yes, let's just sit here so I can get flaming mad at you for dumping out an entire bag of pretzels on the ground (for the second day in a row). Wow, I had no idea just how much salt was in each bag until I saw it scattered like prisms all over my living room floor.

Parker is a tornado that is sometimes easier contained at home. Here's an example from a ten minute period earlier this evening.

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This time I caught him before he turned on the sink. 


We are going stir crazy and coming up with new games as we go along.

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Take all the cushions off the couch game. 

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Lining things up game. Grey and I are real good at that.

I'm cranky. I have a big fat cold sore on my lip and I have the energy of a gnat and the positivity of Oscar the Grouch. So there's that. All of that. I don't write fake happy crap. And I'm also not writing stuff as pathetic as the two paragraphs above. (opps, too late.) But now I sit with a scary yet inviting blank white screen in front of me. Who cares if I'm crabby or annoying or rude. Who cares if I've been the laziest mom in the universe? I mean really, feeling terribly guilty or perseverating over it is actually so self serving. I'll save myself a step and just be lazy without the guilt. What difference does it really make? Who cares?

Have you ever met people perfectly and constantly even keel at all times? On one hand I envy them. I mean truly envy them. And then on the other hand they bore the pretzel salt out of me. For the love of Pete, do you ever get bored or angry or self-loathing for no good reason? Do you try to leave the house but just mentally can't?  Do you ever obsess over crazy stuff and then analyze and over analyze the hell out of it? No? Then sorry, you are too sane for me to be friends with you. But good job being so normal.

Today I forced myself to rip off the lazy band aid. Instead of watching Cars for the18th time  we went to this really big park that the boys love. I seriously felt like I deserved a trophy. GOOD JOB LEAVING THE HOUSE. GOOD JOB SWEATING BUT DOING IT ANYWAY. I deserved a trophy and a massage.

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I met my friend Annie for lunch afterwards. Greyson was standing up and eating ice behind a chair in front of me and I didn't have a good view of him. I stood up to take a look and he was eating some ice that had fallen on the floor until I stopped him. I sit back down and tell Annie, (who has a better view)- "If you see him go to eat ice off the floor again, will you let me know?" 

A couple of minutes later I see Annie's face transform into shock. "GREY is" I hear in alarm. Alarm bigger than eating ice off the floor. "GREY IS NAKED" I hear her mouth say. NO! It's not true. It can't be true. He gets naked at home ALL THE TIME, but he never has in public. I quickly stand up and see Greyson standing with there happiest grin and nothing else on. I sit down and laugh until I can't breathe. I'm waiting for an adult or a parent to fix this. Annie and I run to him and grab his clothes off the floor. He runs to the front of the Deli laughing, doing everything he can to avoid his clothes.

I look up to see this grumpy middle-aged man in a suit SCOWLING at the scene unfolding in front of him. I wanted to say, WHO CARES?! It's just a little naked. You should try it sometime.

I went to a super fun evening couple's baby shower for a dear capital F Friend of mine a few weeks back. I picked out a sweet little summer dress that was perfect to wear in the 100 degree plus weather. I usually prefer dresses that have a high neck line because I hate the sun speckled 82 year old woman skin on my chest. Apparently laying out on ALUMINUM FOIL while I was covered with baby oil and CRISCO in my teens actually was a bad idea like everyone said. Hmmm. 

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(actual picture of me).

So this particular dress did not have a high neckline but I got it anyway. I tried it on the day before the party and all that stood out was my splotchy chest. I had the perfect solution- I went out and bought a navy blue cardigan to cover up. (yes, Michael makes fun of me for the fact that I have a cardigan sweater in every color of the rainbow.) On the evening of the shower I got ready and went to the party donned my new cardigan. 

I was sweating my rainbow jimmies off. It was unbearably hot- like 105 degrees hot. But there was no way I was taking off that cardigan. 

Are you SERIOUSLY wearing a sweater? Why do you have a sweater on? Are you actually cold? YOU ARE COLD? I had NO GOOD ANSWER. I simply looked like an idiot in a sweater. I tell my friend- I hate my skin so I'm trying to cover up. And after I said it out loud I realized how ridiculous I sounded (and looked).  And finally I just started laughing and I took off my sweater and balled it up and put it in my purse. SHEW....it was SUCH a relief. Physical and mental. So I have some sun spots on my chest. WHO CARES? I can either stop caring- or care WAY TOO MUCH and look like a complete fool. By desperately trying to cover up my spots, I was making myself stand out even MORE. 

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I look at this picture and all I see is happy. Screw you sun spots. (and love you Wynema, Andrea, Heather and Liz!!!)


I remembered back to a friend I had in my single days. She hated her butt. She thought it was too big. As much as I told her it was perfect- she didn't believe me. It didn't matter what I thought. She used to wear these big swingy pants to cover up her butt and thighs and these pants actually made her (not big) ass look HUGE. It called way more attention to it. Why do we do that? Sometimes we try so hard to cover up our "flaws" that in actuality we are pointing a big fat arrow at them. 

Friend, I love you just the sun-spotted, big butted, wonky teeth or squishy stomached imperfect way you are. And I'm working dang hard at loving myself in that exact same way. Because really- who cares? It's incredible just how little our outside machine means in the scheme of the universe. I care about what's inside.

And Parker, my amazing sweet Parker makes me laugh SO much more than he makes me rip my hair out. Tonight we were flipping through a magazine. "What's that?" I would ask him- pointing things out. I pointed to a cat.
"Cat" he says.
"Yes!!! It is a cat".

I pointed to all sorts of things. And then I point to Gwenth Paltrow. 
"Who's that?" I ask him. (We have been working on girl/boy in Speech Therapy.)

"Momma" he says. 
"YES!!!!!" I scream and DIE laughing. 

He did the same thing when I pointed to Jennifer Anniston. NICE Parker!!!! But then I tried something...
"Who's that?" I ask pointing to Beyonce. 
"Momma" he says laughing with me... 
Same with Marge Simpson. So I guess every girl is Momma. (Brad Paisley was Dad. Seriously.)
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WHO CARES?! I'm making it my mantra the rest of the week.

Love,
Chrissy

12 comments:

  1. So many good things in one post. First of all, the picture of you jumping on the cushions- the look on Greyson's face is the best! I love when you see kids looking at their parents with admiration. They think you are the coolest.

    Also, the story of Greyson getting naked at the deli is the funniest thing ever! Glad it could be funny to you now and you didn't need any looking back to appreciate it.

    And yes, this month has felt hot and lazy and endless. Good news- September is coming which brings on all kind of wonderful Fall things.

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  2. Lisa from TennesseeAugust 21, 2014 at 5:41 AM

    Okay, first of all I'm saying this with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek, so please please don't take it the wrong way!
    Chrissy, I'm shaking my head here. Day after day I come to your blog and get that little moment of sadness when there is no new post. But then I tell myself, it's okay, she is just detaching and living life in the moment and out with the boys and she doesn't have to write something every damn day just to make you happy. And here I find, in your own admission no less, that noooooo, she is just being lazy and hot and tired and cranky and... and... and! No fair! You're too much Super Momgger to have those kinds of feelings! (like the word I just made up? Mom + Blogger = Momgger)
    In all honesty, I know how you feel. Here in Tennessee, it's actually been a mild summer, from what I've been told. But the humidity! OMG So we still have boxes and boxes and boxes sitting around our house. And we don't know if we are going to be staying in this house for more than another month or so, so why bother doing anything with the boxes? It's too hot anyhow. Let's just sit and veg, or run around and spend money we don't have to spend.
    So, I officially forgive you for being human, and living in California. Do you even care??? LOL

    Much love and hugs, albeit from a distance since we are all so hot and sweaty, and who want to hug basically a stranger when you are hot and sweaty and they are hot and sweaty? :-)

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  3. I have lied and told people that we have company until school starts (on Monday) to get some peace. I even unhooked the xbox so the kids don't let out the truth on xbox live. You are the only person I have admitted this to:). Love this post! I am pregnant and in Texas. I find myself layering like a bastard because god forbid someone see the dimples that are starting to form on my arms! I have an event tonight and I'm leaving the cardigan at home!! Thanks!:)

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  4. I totally did the baby oil/crisco thing as a teenager and on the roof of the house no less! The crazy things we did to get a tan. I try to hide my flaws too and have lost 53 lbs over the past almost year because of Dr orders, and a diabetes diagnosis. Thanks for the comment on your friend and her opinion of her big butt and the way she dressed making it look bigger. I find myself wearing big baggy clothes trying to cover my flaws, as I did at 277 lbs. I still have a ways to go and focus on that instead of getting clothes that fit properly to show the new and improving me. I have lots of days of not leaving the house too by the way, Summers in Texas...100+ with heat/humidity indexes is far from enjoyable. I am also ready for fall and come Sept 1st I am breaking out the Fall decorations at home and office. :) I always take something away from your posts and these are some of what today's were. Have a blessed day!

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  5. this was such a great post. the smile on Greyson's face when you're jumping on the couch cushions is HUGE! And, I love the pic of Doodle on his tippy toes at the fountain. your posts have a way of making me feel better about myself and my struggles. thanks for being normal.

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  6. I see no sun spots! Laughed out loud at naked Greyson and smarty Parker. Thank you!

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  7. Chrissy, I love YOU! Laughing my head off. As I struggled to walk out to the mailbox (rural delivery) yesterday in the hot sun, I thought, "How on earth did I stand just lying there all those hours, greased up, trying to get a tan? How dopey!" I have floppy upper arms, so I usually avoid sleeveless tops or skinny straps, but now, when the thermometer hovers at 100°, I too say "Who cares?" Seriously—that isn't really you in that photo?! I hope it was a set-up shot because you are far prettier and cuter now!
    I honestly thought that was a little girl—like maybe a neighbor or baby sitter—jumping on the couch cushions. Hurray for you!
    The boys are just so darned cute.

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  8. Parker on his tippy toes in the pantry is the cutest darn picture I have ever seen, although I have a special fondness for Baby Boy toes!
    About your sweater, I have weighed 145 lbs. most of my adult life. Through serious illness, I dropped down to 82. I am on my way back to a normal weight, but your story about your sweater reminded me how I used to wear extra "baggy" clothes to hide myself. Now I wear extra clothes to hide my bony body. That helped me in my struggle to learn to accept myself ! Warts and all! :-) Chrissy ~ you are just the GREATEST!!!

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    1. cheers to you and your improving health. I love you just the way you are.

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  9. All I see is your lovely smile- reckon we all need to go easier on ourselves hey?!:) I never go round micro analyzing my friends so why again do I do it so meanly to myself?! Good on you for just having fun.
    Xx

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  10. One of the BEST, beautiful friend.
    xxoo

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