Thursday, October 16, 2014

gracefully letting go

I think all day long. All damn day in fact.

Sometimes I think out loud. I have fake conversations going off on people that I'm angry with- and that I'll never really get to go off on. I perfect my response like it's a script and I can't mess up. Sometimes I think out loud so I don't forget things. I realized I was doing that at the grocery store the other day. I just needed a few things and I was repeating them over and over again so I wouldn't forget. Flour, corn starch, chocolate chips. Flour, corn starch, chocolate chips. I pick up the natural peanut butter and double check the ingredients while repeating flour, corn starch, chocolate chips. An older mind gives me a curious look, probably because I was not holding any of those ingredients but I didn't care.

And thinking is good because it helps me place perspective on so many things in the world. It helps me work through problems or situations. It helps me remember things. And it sometimes it brings up happy loose memories- like going to get a cheapo massage with my friends Annie and Wynema after a couple of cocktails a few weeks ago. I asked the guy up front with the spotty English if they gave "happy endings"- while I smiled and nodded my head. He smiled so big right back at me while nodding his head and saying, "Yes". We will take three, I told him- much to my mortified friends surprise. To be honest- I don't know exactly specifically what happy ending means except that it's sexual and illegal and absolutely nothing I would really ask for ever in my life. I just wanted to make my friends laugh.

But much more often than not- my constant thinking is a burden. It's heavy. The constant thinking part of me convinces me that it's necessary simply to preserve itself. THINKING is the exact opposite of living in the present. It can ruin a moment or sometimes even a whole day. I don't want to be her anymore- the overthinking worrier. She's absolutely no fun and completely self-limiting. Now I know I'll never be laid back- but I'm hoping that I can find a comfortable place in between.

Today we met friends at the pumpkin patch. I tried to recreate our yearly wheel barrel picture.

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Try #1

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Try #3,450 Grey: fascinated by the wheel. Parker: SICK OF THE DAMN POSED PICTURES

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Parker: I'm outta here lady.

We had fun exploring and playing.

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Can you believe Sawyer is only $3? I want three.

Driving home I started to think about how sad I was that my boys are no longer babies. I can no longer pose them in gourds or force them stay in wheel barrels. I thought about how sad I was that my time in babydom is over. No more little teeny outfits. No more sweet- my baby smell. No more first holidays and a million other things I was mourning all at once. I got angry that I can't have any more children. Angry that I will never have #3. I ached for that baby that will never exist. I got angry and felt like life was so unfair. And it really is sometimes. IT ISN'T FAIR. But the thinking in circles just makes me feel awful. And it CERTAINLY doesn't make a baby. (I think that's maybe where the happy finish comes into play.) And now I ask myself- what can I do with this pain? Sometimes I just don't know. Sometimes I don't want to look for the good. I just want what I want. One thing I CAN do is stop with the constant thinking. Work to be more present in my body and just simply be. Focus and refocus on the right now- which is usually really really good.

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I found this picture on my camera hiding. And you know what? It's perfect. It's not what I set out to do. It's not perfect- but I love it. It's mine.

It's funny- when they were younger I ached for them to be just a little more independent. To just feed themselves or walk instead of crawl so I didn't constantly have to be nursing or holding them. And now- they are...and I spent time today wishing they would just be babies and need me again. I was so busy thinking about that I didn't realize how lucky I really am. For the first time in SO LONG- they are getting so much EASIER!!! More independent. Big enough to go out and create happy of their very own.

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  1. So honest.. so raw... so many other moms can say... "Yeah, me too"

  2. wow, I could have written this post myself (not as good as you, of course) I am an over thinker and will NEVER be laid back. I also come up with awesome come backs in my head to mean people, but rarely get to use them. They never sound as good aloud anyhow LOL... And I too ache for a third baby, but I just can't. But maybe we want it more just because we can't have it?? My boys are pretty much the same age as yours, and I agree things are now getting easier which is great. I need to try to remember all the good as well, its just hard sometimes. You are not alone. -K

    1. SO good to hear. I bet we want it a million times more because we can't.

  3. After reading this I feel like you were completely in my head last night...or watching me lol! I was crying at pictures of my two when they were from summer vacations at the before an autism diagnosis and remembering faintly what it was like not to have that kind of worry in my life...wondering if autism hadn't come if we would have had a third child. Feels like a lifetime ago. So yea me too. I honestly think I can say I know exactly how you feel! Thanks for putting this out there so beautifully. Hugs Mama.


    1. Hugs to you! Damn those walks down memory lane! Here's to you and I creating our new lifetimes right now. xoxo

  4. First time commenter, frequent visitor (love, love, love your blog). I'm also aching for number 3. Number one is our flappy girl, number two came to us a bit older and has some attachment troubles. So number three is not gonna happen. The weird thing is, on any given day, I don't think I'm doing that great a job (some days, I know I'm sucking at the mommy gig), so it makes no sense to take on another baby. But really the needs of my two has me flat on my ass by the end of the day.

    1. Welcome. So glad you have been here. You bring up GREAT points!!! I don't have the energy, strength or money as it is!!! But still we long. But also remember that maybe- just maybe the design of right now is actually perfect.