As I've mentioned at least eleventy-million-trillion other times here on this blog- I mostly rarely never (hardly ever) feel like a grown up. I often feel inadequate, wildly immature and like a kid being forced into these crazy adult sized settings.
Like y'all shop for furniture at Ethan Allen and we shop at IKEA. And your holiday decorations are nice and fancy and ours are like garage sale outcasts found in the dollar bin at Target. And you make fancy dinners like Coq Au Vin- and I make hot dogs...and laugh when you say "coq". Sometimes it feels like I'm waiting for the REAL adults to get here to figure out what we are supposed to do.
And I think about my childhood and laugh because I never really felt like I was doing childhood the right way either. I felt too anxious for a kid. I worried a lot about money and if my family had enough. We always had food and a roof- but we were not rich. I thought big and hard about things kids don't usually think about- like death and cancer and if God is real and how do I really know that the earth is real and what if none of this is real and I don't even exist? I didn't talk to anyone about any of this, so I created this thinking place inside my head. I felt like everyone else was normal, and I most certainly was absolutely NOT. As I grew up I often focused on the places I didn't feel like I fit in and I guess it became a pattern. I wished I didn't think so much. In college I didn't like to go out drinking every night. I didn't want to be around big groups. Yet I still was in a sorority and felt like I was missing out when I didn't go out. I didn't know who the hell I was because I was trying so hard to be someone I decidedly wasn't.
And I'm frequently still a mixed up ball of confusion and contradiction- but I am finally connecting with who I really am. I am assessing myself with love- and attempting to make less room for judgement and more room for understanding. I'm editing things, people and ideals that no longer have room in my life.
I am working on me. Not in a -boy are you broken and screwed up- way but in a kind and growing way.
I've talked a few times about coming up with new words each year to help guide me. Here are some words from a post from January 2014...
I refuse to wait to be happy. The answer is not finally getting organized or losing 5 pounds or joining a gym, or landing my dream job. There are no questions that must be answered before you find your happiness. Happiness is already inside you, waiting to be uncovered and nurtured. Name three adjectives that bring you joy- grow those bigger. Mine are adventure, learning and giving.
I don't do resolutions but I am good with intentions. Written intentions that help me remember what is important to me. They help me remember who I want to be. Today I had some precious friends over and we worked on our word intentions together.
Here were the instructions I gave- pick three words you want to guide you in 2015. Words that are important to you. Words whose pillows may need a little fluffing to make a happier you. They must be affirming. There is no room for "lose weight", "get organized" or anything of the like. It's not that I think those things aren't important- but I think those things get so much of our attention that they end up distracting us from what really matters in life.
At the end of it ALL we won't care about our weight or our perfectly labeled boxes- but we will care out this one precious gift of life that we have been given. We want to say yes if asked- did I love enough? Did I play enough? Did I take time to figure out what is important to me? Did I contribute to THOSE things- the things that really matter in my heart?
I'm certain God WON'T be asking- Was your house always clean? Did you always do everything perfectly? Did you make a ton of money? Did you always look totally put together? Did you beat yourself up plenty to keep things in check?
If you want to be happy...really and truly happy- please answer no to most of the above.
And it was so hard for all of us to decide on the words we would choose. We took turns talking about our possible choices. "Yes! Me too", and "Yes- I love that" and "I want that too" was said over and over again. It was quite soul-affirming. And finally after some thought and discussion we chose our words. It was hard! You would have thought I was tattooing them on my forehead. And then we took our words and made them pretty.
My words- Marriage, Versatility, and Friendship. (I totally reserve the right to change them at any time.) Things I need to strengthen and focus on. We had so much fun playing and doing kid art. Which I realized can also be adult art too. Who says you must stop exploring the things that made you happy as a child? Not me. No siree.
And I still want to add a few more things- but when I'm done-it's going up in my closet. That way I will see it every morning as I get ready for the day.
Tonight as I was organizing my pictures for this post I started to look back at old pictures from January of 2012 and I was of course blown away by how quickly the past few years have passed...
And it hit me... We can't control time- but we can control HOW we spend it and WHAT we focus on.
Let's make them good things.