And for the first couple of weeks I was high on hope. This is going to work! This is awesome! I just know this is the right path God, I feel you leading me. And then slowly, my balloon began to deflate after just a couple of unsuccessful open houses. And by "unsuccessful" I mean people didn't show up and start a bidding war right on our very front door stoop. Listen, this needs to work out THIS EXACT WAY, I said to God. I figured out the plan and I know the school districts better than you. You are up there figuring out war and famine and Cancer and stuff. I got this covered- but I need you to have my back.
And then before even a month was up- it all worked exactly according to plan. We even made just enough money from the sale of our home to buy a pool here at our new house. How perfect is that?! If you've read THIS POST you know that Greyson doesn't just like the pool- he needs it. It's sensory therapy that he needs to feel comfortable in his skin. It calms him like a drug.
So today my friend said, I still can't believe how lucky you guys got. You found this house and your house sold right away. And now you have this huge, perfect house with a huge back yard and a pool! And I remembered how grateful I was when it all worked out. And then I remembered that it really had nothing to do with me or my grand plan. I just followed the signs that were leading me. You know, it wasn't luck I said. It was God. For real- it was ALL God. Not me, not my plan, not luck. Not even our awesome realtors. It was God. It was all so complicated and perfect and easy and so clearly EXACTLY what was supposed to happen. I'm not that talented- or lucky to be honest. And I remembered how scary that in-between part of not knowing felt, and how a tsunami of grateful flooded in and erased any trace of fear the day we accepted the offer on the sale of our home.
I imagine God and I having a great conversation about it one day. God- way to go on that big life change we went through- I think it was in 2015? I don't know how you pulled that complicated maneuver off, choreographed quickly and so completely just so. My gratitude is beyond words, but I know you felt it when we were at the Title company making it all official. Or when I was walking out my front door for the last time. Or how about when I got to watch the boys roam free in their very own back yard.
Like tonight when Parker swang into the sunset.
Or the first time the boys got into the pool this past weekend. That was incredible.Thank you.
And I would glow with a happy you could almost hear, and listen to him explain how happy he is when we are happy. He would tell me that sometimes he ached because of all the times I felt so overwhelmed because I felt like I had to do things all on my own. Chrissy, I was there the whole time, he would tell me and I would feel at peace because I knew he was right.
And today I remembered how grateful I was when all this went down in December.Yes, I said- was. Because you see I kind of forgot all about how amazing that was a few weeks after it happened. And then I started the blur of life again and found the -next big thing that I can't wait to happen- for things to be right. I kind of feel like God's fair weather friend sometimes. I pray for things. I am grateful for things. Grateful for how much love I feel when I look at Parker's perfect chubby rectangle feet or the sunkissed highlights in Greyson's soft hair. Or grateful for the fact that I can buy bananas whenever we run out. I rejoice when provided to and I feel down and scared and disappointed when things don't work out right according to my version of right. Have you ever had a friend who only called you when they needed help with something like moving or needing a drive to the airport? We've all had a friend like that- but hopefully not for that long because they aren't that much fun to be around.
Today I remembered not to be her. I'm working on being more of a consistent friend, instead of a fair weather one. Remembering to let go more. Remembering to be grateful even when things are smack dab in the middle of uncertainty and even when things don't feel like they are going the way they are supposed to be at all. I'm not so good at it- but I want to try.
I went to hot yoga again this evening. Grown up me made adolescent me do it.
But I don't want to go I whined. I'm still sore from last week.
That's ok, it will help those sore muscles stretch out, grown up me said in a tone that meant no nonsense.
But I'm too tired, I pleaded.
That's ok- it will energize you.
But it will be too
And as soon as class started I thought- WHAT WAS I THINKING?! I can't believe I came here on purpose. And I went through the grief stages of yoga; this isn't too bad, this is getting hard, this is awful, this sucks, this hurts, it will be so embarrassing if I pass out, maybe I can sneak out, this isn't so bad, this is amazing, I am strong, I am brave, I am present. I realized I read and watch movies to escape my life. But I go to Church and yoga to be more present in my life. And in a world full of mostly busy blur days (dry cleaning, work, groceries, pay bills, wash the car, call the doctor, pick up a prescription, fill out paperwork, mail a package, check your phone a million times, get your hair cut, pick up milk) whirling by - present and escape are both needed.
And I remembered why I love yoga so very much (in addition to hating it)- because it is so much like life. And I sat in my car afterwards while the golden setting sun filled up my car and with gratitude, I wrote out how I felt. I wrote it out just for me- because sometimes- when you write it to share it -it becomes diluted. Here are the ways I found yoga to be like life:
1. You can't pay attention to what anyone else is doing. Some people are way more limber- they are not there to intimidate you. Just focus on you. Some people have hairy legs. Some people breath really loud. Some people sweat buckets. Some people barely sweat at all. It doesn't matter- none of it. Just focus on what you CAN do and work on the things you want to do better. Everyone is good at some of the parts and not so good at some of the other parts. Even the instructors.
2. The hard and awful poses feel like forever. I swear during one tonight I thought I was going to pass out. (WHY DID I PICK THE SPOT RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE HEATER??) And then I thought- If I pass out I hope they don't call an ambulance. That will be so embarrassing. And my tight and aching muscles would start to scream and wobble and I would think- I CAN'T DO THIS ONE MORE SECOND. But I could. And I did. Every single time.
3. Each hard and awful pose always ends. Always. Each moment felt like a lifetime and then suddenly we were moving on to something else. Easy, hard, easy, hard, hard, easy. Yoga. Life.
4. The harder the pose the more you grow and stretch and strengthen. You can feel the stretch of your muscles and you actually create more room inside your body. You lengthen and open up places that have been closed for much too long. We aren't meant to carry the stress of the world in our muscles but we do. We must find ways to get that out.
5. You don't have to do it perfectly- you just have to show up, be present and try the best you can today. It's funny- during one pose I thought- before my knee went bad I could totally do this. And 30 year old me would have rocked it. But then I realized one day 60 year old me could also say, Wow- when I was 40 I was so strong and I didn't even realize it. I'm trying to stay present and just realize it NOW. I'm trying to practice gratitude now.
I'm so glad grown up me made me go. I needed it. I told you so.