Today I am tired...
Tired of seeing Donald Trump on my television every 8 minutes.
I'm tired of growing bangs I never wanted but bleach gave me out. It's been six months now, and they still only reach the bottom of my eyes. Yep, they were that short to begin with. I've felt ugly pretty much every day since then.
Tired of being so damned introspective in a world where the majority of people just so totally ARE NOT. Most people just do what they do and don't know why, don't analyze why, don't care why. It makes me feel like I speak a foreign language in my homeland and I'm desperate.
I'm tired of my husband traveling for work.
I'm tired of my dogs barking like we are being attacked every damn time there is a dog on TV. Or walking by our house.
I'm tired of going to the grocery store without a list, or even a plan for meals...but I have to be in the mood to write that out and think that up. That's just more grown up than I'm feeling at this moment. I really think someone should just read this and bring me some dinner. I'll take your left overs. I'm not picky.
I'm tired of waking up at night, numerous times, afraid of some struggles we've had with Grey's schooling. I can manage those feelings during the day, but at night they grow big and have scary teeth and they wake me up. I'm tired of feeling so damned much. Sometimes I wish I could trade in my Type A tightly wound for super laid back.
And the good thing is, I'm fickle. And all these feelings will probably turn upside down and look different tomorrow.
Even now, I will try to rewrite my mind...
I am glad we live in a Democracy, and super glad that not only do we have a big huge TV, we also have a REMOTE, and I can change the channel any time.
I am grateful that I have any hair. There are people suffering from alopecia. Women who are undergoing chemotherapy and have no hair, and on top of that, are scared and sick.
I am grateful that I am so damned introspective. It makes me so empathetic. It makes me love people and life and all the meaning woven throughout our existence. It means I know myself well enough to know what brings me passion and what brings me pain, and I can tailor my life to that knowledge.
I am grateful that my husband has a well paying job that affords me to stay home with the best little boys on earth.
I am so happy I can go to the grocery store and buy food for my family. I can buy the boys their favorite snacks. I can make healthier meals instead of always getting take out. I can buy fresh fruit which is better than flowers because they are pretty and you can eat them.
And I'm so so so incredibly grateful, for the team each boy has to support their learning and growing and developing. Grateful for a teacher who took the time to fill out a form about Grey today. Thanks to her I know that he ate his lunch and worked on feelings. Thankful for our awesome, amazing ABA team of life changers. Grateful for the clinical director of our Home Behavior therapy. She goes to IEP's and even comes over on a Friday afternoon if we are putting a fire out. She gives the best no nonsense advice. Grateful for Teacher Amy our Speech Therapists. Not only does she teach my boys, she helps me when I'm confused. Which is a lot. We are so blessed with the services we have. We are even more blessed with the extra love they provide our family with.
As you can see, I have so much to be grateful for. Even the things I can trick myself into thinking are problems.
How would you rewrite your problems as blessings? Try it right now. You will be amazed by what you discover.
April is autism awareness month. And as usual, I have weird feelings about that. It feels like it's supposed to be a holiday, or celebration- for a disorder. And the people that get into it- and share about it --and read about it- are usually the people already affected by autism and already know this stuff. Sure, I could tell you that autism affects 1 in 68. I could tell you that autism is a social, communication and behavioral disorder neurological in form. So what? These facts won't change the world. So I want to reach the people who don't know anyone with autism. People who are not affected by it. What do I want to say to you?
I guess I just want to remind you that you are loved. Exactly the way you are, and you should be because you are awesome and somebody can't live without you in the world. There are things about you that make your life harder. Maybe you can't hear. Maybe you were abused growing up. Maybe you suffer from depression. Maybe your spouse is having an affair. Maybe you lost your job. Your hard life circumstances makes your life unique- but your painful story isn't your defining feature. It's not the most interesting thing about you. Hopefully you used your pain and grew and stretched and learned more about the world than you even knew was possible. If you are really lucky, you used your story to connect to others. The greatest gift we can give to others is to remind them- Me too. I feel that way too. I understand you.
We all deserve to be loved, exactly for who we are right this very moment in time. Not once we are skinny, or less crazy, or more patient or perfect. We deserve to exist in judgment free zones. We deserve to be understood. Being misunderstood is the root of so much pain. We deserve to have our story heard, listened to, appreciated. We simply deserve understanding, because when people understand our own story, they are often more accepting of their own.
To me, Autism awareness means learning to love and accept what is different about ourselves, so we can understand and love what is different about others. My sons level of different may be greater than yours or mine, but still they are just simply different. We all are.
Believe me when I tell you that autism is the least interesting thing about my two precious boys. They are the same as many other kids. They love to swing, and play with trains, and are happiest outside. They love to get dirty and go swimming and cuddle with me in the morning.
They are also different. Communicating is so hard for them! When they can't explain themselves, they can get really frustrated. Sometimes they just find life easier when they play by themselves. They are smart and brave and shine like the golden sunlight right before the sun sets. They make me believe in God and magic. They don't talk much, but when they do, it feels like my own personal rainbow. And like you, and we all deserve to be loved, exactly the way we are.
Greyson and Parker, thank you for showing me the meaning of life.