Having children that view the world differently, causes me to view my children differently. To expect differently. To process differently. To perceive myself, the world, God, people---pretty much every single thing-differently.
Easter started out feeling normal. Two little ones too young to get the traditions anyway. Too young to scream, "Get this damn bunny costume off me!"
I knew one day they would get it- and that is when the real fun would begin!
But they never did end up getting it, and that has left me in tears in the past. This one was a doozy. Tears because my boys didn't know or care about an Easter Bunny. They didn't search for eggs excitedly. I guided them to one egg. I made them pick it up. I made them open it while they cried. They didn't even care there was candy inside. WHAT NOW PINTEREST?!
What are holidays without a child to enjoy them with? I wondered.
A few years later, now I can say I figured it out. Oh my friend, they are so so so much than that. Yes, more than my hopes or expectations. More than a fricking bunny, or a fat man with a red suit or a jack o lantern.
They are love, and goodness and time spent together. They are not dying eggs because your kids don't give a rat's ass- which is actually- just easier. It's focusing and what and who matters the most to your one precious, gorgeous, different life. It's -How can I ask the world to accept my sons as different- if I myself can not accept my life as different?
He smiles while he rides his bike. This kid does life like no other. He brings it inside with him, and rides from room to room. Like-duh. So much easier than walking. I don't even stop him because I just can't. He's just so happy while he does it. I can always buy new floors.
I say yes. To this life. To its details, some unexpected. To the process.
This weekend we prepare for Easter on Sunday. Easter is the oldest Christian holiday and considered the most important day of the church year. It is the celebration The resurrection of Jesus is the Christian religious belief that, after being put to death, Jesus rose again from the dead;"On the third day he rose again in accordance with the Scriptures".
Can you imagine the pain everyone felt when Jesus died? Oh man, especially his mother? Now that I am a mom I can not fathom that pain. And then the shock they must have felt when they realized the unbelievable had happened. It's a message, an important one that never expires and one that we simply must apply to our own life.
Be patient. Believe in the impossible. An impossible bigger than any expectations you could ever even dream of. It will take time. Be patient.
I am an extremely skilled patience practicer. I am not perfect at it. In fact, I am usually, mostly awful at it. But it's God's will that I be put in situations that test my patience over and over again. I simply had to wait with a willingness to not expect.
Man, that's hard. The waiting part AND the not expecting part. It first really happened when I moved to Los Angeles. For a boy. Sheesh. It's always a boy or acting. We didn't work out, but I got myself a six month lease and decided to wait it out. If I could do LA on my own, I would stay. And if I couldn't- well, I would move back to Missouri. I wished that life was a Choose Your Own Adventure book, and that I could see how the story unfolded.
And the next stark period of patience was with my 18 month old son, Greyson. Why isn't he talking? Why do I have to call his name 100 times? What is going on and why can't anyone tell me? I spoke with doctors and had hearing and language tests. He passed them all. I just had to wait. Wait and wait for an appointment with the very entity that tells you how important Early Intervention is. Really? Then why is my important not for three more months?
And then again, Greyson was 26 months old. The realization after one particular Google search gutted me inside out. Autism. Autism. Autism. Over and over it echo'ed in my brain. My skin and bones knew it before my head did. I sobbed out loud as I then searched for any potential increased likelihood of autism in siblings. Surely this lighting didn't strike the same family twice, right? RIGHT?!!!!
Parker, one day old
Parker was only 4 months old. The percentages sucked- Parents who have a child with autism have about a 1 in 5 chance of having a second child with autism. I knew either way I wouldn't know anything until Parker was at least 14 months old.... And I'll be damned if I was going to miss out on soaking up his babyness being worried every single day. So I made a decision- I will wait, and I will deal with the situation when enough tomorrows have occurred.
And now, in little and big ways we all are waiting a million little outcomes. We are practicing patience. We will never perfect it, and that's ok.
Wait... You never know what your Risen may look like.
So glad you are here, sharing this space. I honor every one of your comments, prayers and well wishes. Happy Easter or whatever the heck you celebrate.
Chrissy and the whole Kelly family