We turn Summer over to shake out the very last, most precious golden drops of it. The circle of life makes us dizzy at times. We are born and we die. We Summer and we 'Back to School'. We "it's so fricking hot," and, "I'm over the cold." And each season and milestone and moment shocks us; we can't believe it's already here. This ride goes so fast, sometimes it's hard to pay attention to the view.
So we are left somewhere in the middle. The center of annoyance and obligation and purpose and carpe dieming. Hello World, so glad to meet you.
We took a trip back to our old home of Hermosa Beach in Southern California. Because it is Summer and we could, so we needed to. My heart truly aches to say goodbye to Summer. Goodbye to our boys' therapy aids and our routine. Goodbye to Grey eating lunch at home with me every single day. Goodbye to pool baths and staying up too late. Last school year was just awful, like a bad Lifetime made for TV movie, and I just wasn't ready to even begin to think about sending him back again. I hoped the ocean's tide could infuse me with the strength I would need to make it through this year.
There were only three things on our agenda:
1. Visit with my friend Wendy
2. Go to the beach and Pier
3. Swim in the hotel pool.
The boys would be ok if we never left the hotel. Between the hot tub and pool, the elevator, and a big machines that only makes ice- what more is there to want from the world?
We are finally at a place where we can travel and stay a couple of nights in a hotel with the boys. For so long it was impossible. Not impossible- hard- literally not possible. And the few times we've done it, I'm pretty sure we've had hotel management called on us every time.
This time was a dream. Perfection. Pinch me.
Grey was most comfortable keeping his distance from the water. He loves the sand, but he's been scared of the water ever since last year when we took him to Surfer's Healing- and just kind of threw him on a surf board without giving him any warning.
I wanted him to love the ocean again so SO bad. I wanted to yell at him, "LOVE THE WATER DAMNIT!!!!! RIGHT NOW!!! " My heart ached for us to love the same thing at the same time.
Instead, I made him put his toes in every so often while he screamed at me, and I would then let him go back to solitude and sand.
Parker, on the other hand, could live outside. Anywhere and everywhere outside all the time. And if water is involved? Yes please!
And he and the Ocean are the very best of friends. He would squeal and roll in the waves and cover every centimeter of himself in sand.
Grey enjoyed the Ocean from afar.
And we all enjoyed walking around the pier until the sun set deep, deep, deep into the Ocean and it was night.
The pier walkway sparkled like diamonds with white twinkle lights overhead. Holy cow beautiful.
By day two, my ache had gone away. So what he didn't like the Ocean? Maybe one day he will again. And he's so happy in the sand- I will just be happy that he's happy, I decided, and this time- I actually meant it. Not to mention- feeling sad that Grey didn't like the Ocean did not allow me to focus on how happy I was that Parker did.
And that truly makes me happy. I played my heart out with Parker. The water was warm and we were sandy and soaking wet, and most of all happy. And while Michael was taking a couple of pictures of Parker and me, I suddenly saw something out of the corner of my eye...
I was in shock. I couldn't believe it. I was dying laughing when I saw this picture and my expression.
Here was my Grey, playing tag with the Ocean. All on his own. Squealing and flapping in delight.
As time went on, he got braver and bolder.
And then he just got on in there. It was the best day ever. It still kind of feels like a dream. Little Lights bulbs, that's what I call these moments. Those tiny little moments when something small just finally clicks. When I learned it was autism, I wanted that one big fix, one big switch I could flip on- to cure them, or fix it or make it stop. But there is no such thing.
Instead what we have is Little Light Bulbs. And although they are not the biggest or brightest of all lights, together, they will light our way.
And on the way home I realized- together we will make it through this back to school transition and the upcoming school year. We can and we will make it through anything life has to offer us. Grey is invincible. And maybe, just maybe- so am I. And something tells me if these words have found you-