Thursday, September 1, 2016

the return to innocence

Growing up, by the end of the week mom was usually done cooking. By Thursday or Friday night- our dinner was a compilation of left-overs from the week. What's for dinner? I would ask expectantly, knowing that 92% of her responses made me groan in disgust.  But "left overs" would garner the BIGGEST of groans. First of all- Sorry Mom. Second of all-I'm sorry to you, dear friend reading, in advance. Left over brain particles is all I got in me tonight. They are right next to some chimichangas. But it's been too long, and I miss you.

The past three weeks have been a blur. I'm busy all day long, doing I have no idea what for 3-60 minutes at a time, with not really much to show for it at the end of the day. We are just starting to- (dare I say)- get kinda, sorta adjusted to school. The feelings are coming back into our limbs. I've hinted at it before, and without saying too much- last school year was extremely distressing for both Greyson and our whole family. I believe the proper term is it "sucked monkey balls." There's a lot of pain and fear I still carry in my neck and shoulders that can only disappear with time and with trust and with lots of exhales. (Big ones). Try it now- exhale the monkey ball stuff in your life out. Whhhhheeeeeeewwwwww. I love it when you play along.

The Law of Conservation of Energy states, "Energy can neither be created nor destroyed; rather, it transforms from one form to another. For instance, chemical energy can be converted to kinetic energy in the explosion of a stick of dynamite. A consequence of the law of conservation of energy is that a perpetual motion machine of the first kind cannot exist."

It's so true with our hearts and our precious and finite human energy too. When we were in the thick of it last year- I just couldn't write. I couldn't write about what was going on, and it's all I thought about. How could I write about anything else? I felt like a fraud and the well where I dip into for creativity- it was empty. All that energy went into fighting and tears and pleading to God at night for help. I would wake up numerous times a week at 3am with my hands shaking in fear or in rage. I think there is a permanent indention from the corner of my eye down the side of my face where my tears dropped onto my pillow. I took on so many roles that ripped me from any zone of comfort, and it was hard. I can say I was true to myself and my character the entire time. To me- nothing is more important than my word, and that's still the case. I can say I fought with love. I can say, without a doubt- I did what was right for Grey. I can also say- in the process- we met so many good humans with gorgeous character who tell the truth and do the right thing too. I like to say, if a cloud doesn't have a silver lining- then sew one in baby.

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But it's over. We are all ok now. I'm letting go of last year's pain because it is no longer meant for me to carry. And the landscape has changed. We gotta gem of a new Teacher, and we began the year with the full intention of embracing it as a brand new beginning. Because it is. And all that monkey ballness has made me stronger. I don't feel it yet- I still feel a little timid and shell-shocked. But I know I'm stronger in my bones. Strong doesn't mean fearless. It doesn't mean you know everything. It doesn't mean you aren't scared. It just means- I've been through some shit and I'm still alive. And tomorrow I'm willing to wake up and take on whatever comes my way too. I'm ready to let go. I'm ready to hope.

Today I was driving and and old song from 1994 came on. Enigma- The Return of Innocence. And I realized I felt like me for the first time in a real long time. I rolled down the windows for the first time in a long time too- and while the wind whipped at my hair I just felt.

Don't be afraid to be weak
Don't be too proud to be strong
Just look into your heart my friend
That will be the return to yourself
The return to innocence.

And I listen to it now as I type. And I'm certain the lyrics were supposed to find me today. Maybe they are supposed to find you too...

If you want, then start to laugh
If you must, then start to cry
Be yourself don't hide
Just believe in destiny.

And when the chanting started, I started to cry. Because it made me feel soooo much. Soooooo soooo much. Because my boys have a severe language delay- and the chanting reminded me that you don't even have to say words to make people feel so much that they can hardly breathe it's so good.

I'll leave you with our 'Back to School' picture, and some words...

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Our pic doesn't look like anyone else's because our life doesn't look like anyone else's. Some days that's hard, but most days, it makes me really grateful. This has been our ritual for the past year. We get to school early so we can get one of the Special Ed parking spots, and it gives us both time to unwind and start school off feeling calm. Grey grabs his delicious homemade and organic breakfast (fine- it's actually a frozen waffle or cereal in a red solo cup(!)), juice, and his favorite cars of the day, and we tailgate. A beerless, footballess version of course. We just sit and watch the cars drive through, and watch the kids on the playground play. I drink coffee and get in trouble when I try to smooth down his wonky bed head hair. It makes me think of the quote in the movie, Up. Russell, the tiny mailman says, "That might sound boring, but I think the boring stuff is the stuff I remember the most.”
And for us, this is absolutely true. The boring stuff is our favorite.



  1. Thank you for this. Often we forget to recognize those "new" days we are so caught up in the old. I too know those 3 am hours.

  2. if i knew how to attach emoticons here this comment would be full of hearts. beautiful brave post. love your blog so much. sending love to you and your beautiful/brutiful family chrissy.

  3. I have a confession. Sometimes I come to your blog for confirmation. If I see that you haven't blogged in awhile either then I think it's okay for me too. Because it's so hard and my back to school pics don't look like anyone else's and I'm all out of words fit for public reading.

  4. Chrissy, sorry you had such a rough year! Praying for smooth sailing this year!
    Our picture doesn't look like anyone else's and there are days it makes me really sad. Focusing on my blessings always helps but sometimes I'd love a boring first day back to school! :)

  5. You carry a heavy load - love & determination.
    God bless you with what you do for your lovely boys.
    I've had school "issues" with one of my children - different issues than you face, but still "issues". That time in my life has passed. You're still in the throws of it all. I just want you to know that I know you can do this. You are remarkable, even when you don't feel like you are.

  6. Hoping your year rocks this time! Ours has started off better than the last.

  7. We each live in our moments. That's all we have. I hate it when people talk about NORMAL. What is normal? The setting on the dryer? We all have our own normal and we must remember that it doesn't have to look like the next person's normal.

  8. I just found your blog today and reading it is bringing me a lot of peace. My son is 6 and in the first grade. He was diagnosed with Autism this summer though I should have had him diagnosed earlier. Thank you for writing and sharing.

  9. Hey Chrissy, I love that you shared the Enigma song! Thanks for that and here's another you may know, or like just the same... this one my son and I cruzed to with windows down, wind blowing, and the light of the truthfulness that the most beautiful things are said... "Without Words". Please listen if you get a chance. My Guy is 4 with autism, and I've got one on the way. Best wishes! And thank you for Blogging!