Monday, August 26, 2019

one more step

Today is just one step on your million mile journey. In the moment it can feel like your forever, but it's all so temporary and tiny. Even the big stuff. Endings crash into beginnings at a rapid pace at this time of the year. All an imbalanced mixture of excitement and pain and fear of loss and the unknown.

Man is being a human hard sometimes. Constant transitions and the reminder that we must (we must we must, please Chrissy- YOU must) learn how to let go. "You are in control of nothing," I remind myself by the day. Sometimes by the hour. Sometimes it's so concrete. But more often, it's hard for me to see the line between what I can control and what I can’t. It is SUCH a blurred line that overlaps in many places.

At the end of last school year, I wrote myself a SMART IEP goal. Something along the lines of: By September 2019, Chrissy will make an appointment with the following medical providers: OBGYN, Mammogram, Dentist, Ortho, Podiatrist, Primary Care with 100% accuracy, as measured by calendar data.

While Greyson was in a home school program, I seriously neglected this aspect of my life. Don't feel sorry for me- I found a way to work out and on occasion, stop by TJ MAXX way too often for retail therapy. But when I have "me time" I'd prefer not spend it getting my teeth cleaned or my boobs squished. But alas, I am old people, and old people are like old cars that you can not trade in for younger models. You just must find the problem and the missing part and then wait for it to come in as you also wait for the next thing to break down. You just hope it isn't your heart or your air conditioning or- I don't even remember what I'm talking about anymore. It's 8:30pm and all my brain is fit for is BRAVO TV. So forgive me.

I've been chipping away at making those appointments. (Atta girl, proud of you.) Today while at the Dentist (on a MONDAY no less. Warrior I say. Someone give me a trophy), the woman cleaning my teeth said- I see a spot. Not sure if it's a cavity or just a dark spot. Also, this part here feels a little sticky. We'll have the Dentist look at it. I don't mind going to the dentist, and I can totally handle dental work. But I can NOT handle waiting while the Dentist reviews my xrays to see if anything is wrong. I won't to yell out like I do when watching crime shows on TV.  "WHAT IS HAPPENING?! WHAT DOES 'STICKY' MEAN?! I BRUSHED MY TEETH BEFORE I CAME HERE AND DIDN'T FEEL ANYTHING STICKY.

So, the Dentist came in and said a spot under the crown I have is "sticky". But since I had a root canal on that tooth, the root could be decaying and I wouldn't feel it until it was too late. "This pocket here, could be decaying but we can't tell", he says, pointing at an xray where everything looks the same to me. (Me,  imagining a pocket of rotting funk in my mouth that takes over my face like a zombie unexpectedly.) I start swallowing rapidly while my eyes grow big as dinner plates- "Can we do something about it now?!" I ask. Attempting to control the situation to avoid the horrible and unexpected. But nope, I just have to use this tiny Christmas tree looking floss pic and make sure I keep the underside of my crown root clean. (Also, I'm eating chocolate as I type and I'm not a small bit regretting that.) Also- I have TWO cavities- in between two teeth and I have to go back to get them filled.

I left the office feeling like all of this was a 9-1-1. That's the thing about Generalized Anxiety- it can't usually categorize big from small with any regularity. But I brush my teeth! I floss. I can control that- so why can’t I control cavities? I asked the Universe, who then laughed at me for STILL not learning how to let go. We can't completely control our physical and mental health, but there are many aspects within them that we CAN CONTROL. THIS IS TOO CONFUSING.

Ugh. Maybe my next IEP goal will be to understand the difference between things I can and can't control. My baseline is pretty inconsistent, and boy would that knowledge take a load off.


So, Grey is back at school after a break of almost two years. Doing home school was always meant to be temporary. He needs and deserves peers and community and the group routine that only a school environment can provide. His time in his home program was so valuable. You guys- he can read (not decode, not yet) but can read HUNDREDS of words and do basic comprehension of the text he reads. He can use his device to say SO MUCH. SO SO MUCH. He can write things- with a pencil- in correct form!  These are things I KNEW he could and should learn but wasn’t in the school environment. I had the privilege to keep him home and come up with the skills I knew he needed, and then work with professionals to make it happen. (Don't ask me advice on how to Home school. I am lost without subject matter experts, and I seek out everything I don't know how to do- which is A LOT.)





Every year I make an "About Me" for the boys. It's hard to hand over a little piece of your soul, especially if they can't verbally express themselves like a General Ed student can. So I do my best to give staff- all staff, from the cafeteria to the nurse to the Speech Therapist- a little glimpse into my boys.


But what about everyone else who deserve to be presumed competent and given the supports they need to learn ? (A thought that keeps me up at night.)

Today marked the beginning of week three of school, and he's handled it like a CHAMP. Both boys are, but they are already ready for next Summer. Grey tells me, "Greyson all done school", eleventy hundred times a day, but he goes and he tries every darn day. I am proud of them.

I don't talk about specifics with regards to the boys and school. I have to respect the process, and respect the privacy of the many people who work hard (often with limited resources) and do the right thing. I will however continue to discuss the advocacy I do to change the system and the World.

"You can only advocate for your own child" many seasoned Special Education Parents of older children have told me. But that wasn't God's plan. I know that so much of what my boys need and are legally entitled to- everyone needs. I believe if you see something that isn't right- it is your job to speak up if you can. The outcome I can't control, but the speaking up- I most certainly can and will.

Baby steps my friend. The end of the million miles will be here before we know it.

24 comments:

  1. <3 <3 <3 Proud of you for taking care of you, even if it is a struggle to do so. I feel ya sister!! I'm doing a raging lousy job of it by some standards, but I'm putting one foot in front of the other, so there.

    SO glad to hear of Greyson's victories! Keep on Greyson! You're doing great! :-)

    And Parker is enthusiasm personified. Love it.

    And I can't leave Michael, Oliver or Lucy out, so... Hi-5's to them too, 'cuz I'm sure they are being the best them they can be, and that's worth celebrating, too!

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  2. I get it. Transitions are so hard this time of year. So happy the boys are adjusting. Greyson is too funny (all done school, eleventy hundred cracks me up!) Glad you are taking care of taking care of YOU too!

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  10. Testimony By Lizzy Desler. How to get your ex back fast!

    I was hurt and heart broken when a very big problem occurred in my marriage seven months ago, between me and my husband . so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce. he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore. So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too. So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the Email address of the spell caster whom he visited. Pristbacasim2000@gmail.com. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day. What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me, and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past 7 months, gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back. So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there if you have any problem contact Pristbacasim, i give you 100% guarantee that he will help you.. Email him at: Pristbacasim2000@gmail.com



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  11. Testimony By Lizzy Desler. How to get your ex back fast!

    I was hurt and heart broken when a very big problem occurred in my marriage seven months ago, between me and my husband . so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce. he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore. So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too. So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the Email address of the spell caster whom he visited. Pristbacasim2000@gmail.com. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day. What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me, and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past 7 months, gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back. So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there if you have any problem contact Pristbacasim, i give you 100% guarantee that he will help you.. Email him at: Pristbacasim2000@gmail.com



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  13. Testimony By Lizzy Desler. How to get your ex back fast!

    I was hurt and heart broken when a very big problem occurred in my marriage seven months ago, between me and my husband . so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce. he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore. So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too. So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the Email address of the spell caster whom he visited. Pristbacasim2000@gmail.com. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day. What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me, and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past 7 months, gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back. So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there if you have any problem contact Pristbacasim, i give you 100% guarantee that he will help you.. Email him at: Pristbacasim2000@gmail.com



    ReplyDelete
  14. Testemunho de Lizzy Desler. Como recuperar seu ex rapidamente!

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  15. Testemunho de Lizzy Desler. Como recuperar seu ex rapidamente!

    Fiquei magoado e com o coração partido quando um grande problema ocorreu em meu casamento, sete meses atrás, entre eu e meu marido. tão terrível que ele levou o caso a tribunal por um divórcio. ele disse que nunca mais queria ficar comigo e que não me amava mais. Então ele saiu da casa e fez eu e meus filhos passar por uma dor intensa. Tentei todos os meus meios possíveis para recuperá-lo, depois de muito implorar, mas sem sucesso. E ele confirmou que tomou sua decisão e nunca mais quis me ver. Então, em uma noite, quando eu voltava do trabalho, conheci um velho amigo meu que perguntou ao meu marido. Então eu expliquei tudo para ele, então ele me disse que a única maneira de recuperar meu marido é visitar um lançador de feitiços, porque realmente funcionou para ele também. Então, nunca acreditei em feitiço, mas não tive outra escolha senão seguir o conselho dele. Então ele me deu o endereço de e-mail do lançador de feitiços que ele visitou. Pristbacasim2000@gmail.com. Então, na manhã seguinte, enviei um e-mail para o endereço que ele me deu, e o lançador de feitiços me garantiu que recuperarei meu marido no dia seguinte. Que declaração incrível !! Eu nunca acreditei, então ele falou comigo e me disse tudo o que eu precisava fazer. Então, na manhã seguinte, surpreendentemente, meu marido, que não me ligou nos últimos sete meses, me telefonou para me informar que estava voltando. Tão incrível !! Foi assim que ele voltou naquele mesmo dia, com muito amor e alegria, e pediu desculpas por seu erro e pela dor que causou a mim e aos meus filhos. Então, a partir daquele dia, nosso relacionamento agora estava mais forte do que era antes, com a ajuda de um lançador de feitiços. Então, eu o aconselho por aí, se você tiver algum problema, entre em contato com Pristbacasim, eu lhe garanto 100% de que ele o ajudará. Envie um e-mail para: Pristbacasim2000@gmail.com

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  16. I have been playing lottery since i was 15years and now i am 40 meaning i have been playing the lottery for 25years. The biggest amount i have ever won in my life was 1200 bucks. But one day my story turns to history after i find this man name on the Internet that he is the best when it comes to winning lottery. This man is a very strong voodoo doc who gives out the numbers that can never fail. After all my years of laboring and struggling to win the lottery i finally won ( $12,000,000) Dr Winner, is the name,EMAIL him now: Winnersspellcast@gmail.com or via his  website: https://winnersspellcast.blogspot.com this is the only way to win the lottery spell and he is the best way

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  17. I have been playing lottery since i was 15years and now i am 40 meaning i have been playing the lottery for 25years. The biggest amount i have ever won in my life was 1200 bucks. But one day my story turns to history after i find this man name on the Internet that he is the best when it comes to winning lottery. This man is a very strong voodoo doc who gives out the numbers that can never fail. After all my years of laboring and struggling to win the lottery i finally won ( $12,000,000) Dr Winner, is the name,EMAIL him now: Winnersspellcast@gmail.com or via his  website: https://winnersspellcast.blogspot.com this is the only way to win the lottery spell and he is the best way

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  18. i am very grateful sharing this great testimonies with you, The best thing that has ever happened in my life is how i win the lottery. I am a woman who believe that one day i will win the lottery.finally my dreams came through when i email PRIEST WISDOM  . and tell him i need the lottery numbers. i have come a long way spending money on ticket just to make sure i win. But i never know that winning was so easy until the day i meant the spell caster online which so many people has talked about that he is very great in casting lottery spell, so i decide to give it a try.I contacted this man and he did a spell and he gave me the winning lottery numbers. But believe me when the draws were out i was among winners. i won $1,000,000  Dollar. PRIEST WISDOM truly you are the best, with these man you can win millions of money through lottery. i am so very happy to meet these man, i will forever be grateful Email him Supernaturalspell1@gmail.com or WHATSAPP  or Call Via +2348124644470   BLOGSPOT : https://lotteryspellcaster1.blogspot.com/

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  19. i am very grateful sharing this great testimonies with you, The best thing that has ever happened in my life is how i win the lottery. I am a woman who believe that one day i will win the lottery.finally my dreams came through when i email PRIEST WISDOM  . and tell him i need the lottery numbers. i have come a long way spending money on ticket just to make sure i win. But i never know that winning was so easy until the day i meant the spell caster online which so many people has talked about that he is very great in casting lottery spell, so i decide to give it a try.I contacted this man and he did a spell and he gave me the winning lottery numbers. But believe me when the draws were out i was among winners. i won $1,000,000  Dollar. PRIEST WISDOM truly you are the best, with these man you can win millions of money through lottery. i am so very happy to meet these man, i will forever be grateful Email him Supernaturalspell1@gmail.com or WHATSAPP  or Call Via +2348124644470   BLOGSPOT : https://lotteryspellcaster1.blogspot.com/ ..........

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  20. Joy and happiness is all i see around ever since i came in contact with this great man. i complained bitterly to him about me having herpes only for him to tell me it’s a minor stuff. He told me he has cured thousands of people but i did not believe until he sent me the herbal medicine and i took it as instructed by this great man, only to go to the hospital after two weeks for another test and i was confirmed negative. For the first time in four years i was getting that result. i want to use this medium to thank this great man. His name is Dr aziegbe, i came in contact with his email through a friend in UK and ever since then my live has been full with laughter and great peace of mind. i urge you all with herpes or HSV to contact him if you willing to give him a chance. you can contact him through this email DRAZIEGBE1SPELLHOME@GMAIL .COM or you can also WhatsApp him +2349035465208
    He also cured my friend with HIV and ever since then i strongly believe he can do all things. Don't be deceived thinking he does not work, i believe if you can get in contact with this man all your troubles will be over. i have done my part in spreading the good news. Contact him through his email and you will be the next to testify of his great work.

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  21. HELLO EVERYONE.. FEW MUNINETS TO REDY THIS INFOR ON HERPES CURE 2018..
    2017 MY MOTHER WAS DIAGNOSED OF HERPES/ KNOWN AS GENITAL WARTS ,I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON HER MEDICATION TILL A POINT I EVEN LOST HOPE,BECAUSE MY MOTHER WAS GRADUALLY DYING AND LOST HER MEMORY TOO, I WAS SO DESPERATE TO GET MY MOTHER BACK TO NORMAL, ONE DAY MY UNCLE WHO LIVES IN LONDON UNITED KINGDOM TOLD ME ABOUT DR OLIHA ,WHO HELPED HIM GET RID OF HERPES /GENITAL WART WITH HERBAL MEDICINE AND HIS HERBAL SOAP ,I WAS SO SHOCKED WHEN HE TOLD ME ABOUT THIS ,ALTHOUGH I NEVER BELIEVE IN HERB BUT, I KEEP TO BELIEVE BECAUSE MY UNCLE CAN'T TELL ME LIES WHEN IT COMES TO HEALTH CONDITION I CONTACTED DR OLIHA VIA HIS EMAIL; OLIHA.MIRACLEMEDICINE@GMAIL.COM , YOU CAN TALK TO HIM VIA CALL OR WHATSAPP MESSENGER ON +2349038382931 , HE REPLIED AND ASK ME TO SEND MY HOME ADDRESS AND MY MOTHER'S DETAIL AND THEN I PURCHASED THE HERBAL MEDICINE,SENT ME THE HERBAL MEDICINE THROUGH COURIER SERVICE, WHEN I RECEIVED THIS HERBAL MEDICINE USED IT FOR 2 WEEKS, AND 4 DAYS OF USAGE THE WARTS FELL OFF, MY MOTHER I NOW TOTALLY CURED AND MY MOTHER IS LIVING FREE AND HAPPY AGAIN. YOU CAN TALK TO DR VIA HIS MOBILE NUMBER OR WHATS APP HIM ON +2349038382931.ALL THANKS TO DOCTOR DR OLIHA  

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